But I'm struggling to figure out which texts to answer and which to ignore.
The DB'ing rule of thumb is to answer some messages right away, others after an hour or more, and others not at all (assuming they're unimportant). The idea is to make him see you've got your own life and are busy living it, you're not waiting around for him.
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I'm also not sure what to say to the marriage counsellor. I don't want my husband to know I want him back because this will push him away. Do I tell the marriage counsellor that I'm continuing therapy because I want to keep our relationship amicable?
You'll see it said around here often that you should not go to MC with a WAS because they're only doing it to cross it off their list of "things I did to try and save the M but that just proved it really is dead". If you go, my advice is not to say anything. Just let your H do all the talking.
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Our relationship was very mother/child. He had no responsibilities. I was always so angry with him. I used to shout at him in public. I wanted to know everything he was doing. I wanted to be in charge of everything. I had an opinion on everything and always had to be right. I can see now how destructive my behaviour was. I've really worked on my part in the marriage.
You're right, it's very destructive. You removed him from participating in the family and the M. Lots of resentment builds in sitches like that. It's good you're working on it, but please understand it takes months and months before the changed behavior takes root and gets noticed by the WAS. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
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I'm working on getting a life. I've joined a singing group. I'm planning to start sign language lessons, something we had always planned to do as a family. I'm training for a marathon. I'm going out with friends and trying to have fun with my kids.
Excellent! Keep it all up!
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I'm managing to stay friendly towards him every time I see him, pleasant on the phone. I look great whenever he's about, and most of the time when he's not. I don't answer all of his calls or messages, or I wait a few hours. I listen intently when he's telling me a story. I never ask where he's been or what he's doing. I don't bring up the affair our marriage or reconciliation. I never initiate a conversation and I don't contact him unless its about the kids and only then when it's urgent. I tell him not to feel bad when he shows guilt. I end all conversations before him, trying my best not to come across as rude.
Also all great stuff! But be patient, like I said above it takes a long time for the WAS to accept these changes are real and not just tricks to get them back after which you'll fall back into old habits.
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But I miss him so much now. I just want him back.
Stick to your GAL efforts. These feelings of needing to reach out to him will fade over time, you'll get more comfortable with your "new normal". Just be patient with yourself.
