I'm going to TRY and keep this short, lol! Just some basic info about my sitch, and I will fill in the blanks if anyone has questions.
H and I have been together 22 years, and have a S together, 15, and I have another S, 23, from a previous relationship. H is the only Dad he's ever known. H has always been a bit of a workaholic, and it has caused some issues in our marriage. There have been cycles of him never being home, me feeling lonely and resentful, etc. Sex life has pretty much always been strong, though - we just don't always make enough time for each other, and that has (I believe) weakened our bond.
Fast forward to July of this year, and I suspect that he's having an affair. Did some detective work, and suspicions were confirmed, though it was not someone I ever thought he'd have an affair with.It was his boss, the owner of the restaurant he currently manages, and a woman that, up until about a month before he started sleeping with her, he had zero respect for and almost left his job because he couldn't stand her. I told him I knew about the affair. He didn't come home for 3 days. When he did come home, he was, or seemed to be, completely ashamed and regretful. He said he got caught up in something he shouldn't have, that he was so sorry. and that it wasn't worth it. He wanted to stay with me and work things out. Until he didn't. A week and a half later, he tells me he's confused, doesn't know what he wants, is still attracted to OW (who I will refer to as Dishrag) and has feelings for her. He doesn't want to hurt me again, so he thinks we should separate until he can get things sorted out. To say that I was knocked for a loop would be a gross understatement. How could he sit there and say that feelings he had for someone he'd had a relationship with for a few weeks were somehow comparable to the love we'd built together for 22 years?! I cried, I tried to reason, all the things you aren't supposed to do. But off he went. He's now staying with a male friend in the town where the restaurant is located - and this much I do know to be true. He says he's not "seeing" Dishrag, but he still works with her almost everyday. Meanwhile, S and I are lucky if we see him once every couple of weeks. This [censored].
At first, I contacted him a lot. And I pressured him to spend time with us. No more. I found this place, and I have now started to detach and GAL. I'm feeling stronger every day. I've taken up yoga, and am using a Zen approach to everything. I still love him, and miss him, and I still want to fight for this marriage, but I am backing off and letting him figure things out for himself (and, hopefully, miss his family).
I am concerned about the upcoming holidays, particularly Christmas. We have always had a Christmas Eve celebration at his uncle's house, since we were dating. I have a feeling he's going to want to do that this year, too - just like normal. But things aren't normal, and I don't want everyone walking on eggshells and feeling awkward. It isn't fair to his family, and it isn't fair to our kids. Part of me wants to take the boys to my mom's this year, and let him experience Christmas without us for the first time in 2 decades. But I know that is just me wanting to punish him. So what do I do?
Oh please help me to be patient. Some days it is so very difficult.
Since H is staying w/ his friend rent-free, and it's walking distance to his job, he has very few expenses. So he has been giving me pretty much his entire paycheck since he moved out. That has been going very smoothly, up until 2 weeks ago, when he was a couple of days late in getting it to me. But hey, stuff happens - it was no big deal. This week, however, it is a big deal. He is 4 days late with the check, and I've already dropped off the rent check. Without his check, I'm about $50 short. He told me yesterday, when I offered to come there to pick it up, that he would deposit it first thing this morning, no problem. Checked the account at noon - no deposit. Called him to ask about it (very politely), and he said he had deposited the check, maybe it hadn't gone through yet. Just checked the account again (now nearly 6PM) and still no deposit showing. If my rent check bounces, I'm afraid I might lose my hard-fought-for patience.
And still nothing showing up in the account. *sigh* You know, if he got busy and forgot to deposit it, he could have just told me that. I have no problem driving there to pick it up, and have offered to do that more than once. It just makes more sense with him working 12/14 hour days, 6/7 days a week. I swear, it feels like I'm dealing with a pod person.
In other news, I made an appointment with a counselor for S15. It is so hard seeing what all this is doing to him, and even though I'm doing everything in my power to be strong and there for him, I think his issues now are beyond my scope. I know that he feels abandoned. And why shouldn't he? H has abandoned him. I think H somehow believes that just telling his son he loves and misses him when he sees him is somehow enough. But when he only sees him once or twice a month, how is S supposed to believe that? And how am I supposed to explain things? "Sorry son, but Daddy is smack-dab in the middle of a MLC, and right now his mental age is probably a couple of years below yours - we just have to be patient" doesn't seem like something I need to be telling my child. Even if it is the truth.
Hi, pw. Sorry you have found yourself here, but here is the BEST place to be considering your situation.
LOTS of support here.
Patience is VERY difficult. YOu are now on a very long journey, where you will need more patience than you've ever needed for anything in your whole life. And, then some more.
I have been M 18 years/T21. I know what you are going through--we all do here to varying degrees as all of our sitch's are a little different.
Affairs are devastating for the LBS. Shock will take time to cycle through-- hurt- anger- betrayal- and acceptance. It will take LOADS of time too. And you will cycle back through ALL of these emotions, even when you thought you were "done" with that phase.
An affair is actually not the main problem in a M--- it is what caused the affair in the first place. Try to do 180's on things you know that may have contributed to unhappiness in the M. DId he have complaints? Are there things you know you can work on for your own personal growth?
Give him time and space. Don't pressure for any R talks. Focus on you and your kids, not him or what he's doing/not doing with OW.....believe me, I KNOW this is tough!! YOu can do it, though.
Come here often and post... there are a lot of wonderful people who have traveled a long way on their journeys and have amazing advice.. Good luck with yours.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thanks, littleGTO - I appreciate the support. Goodness knows I need it now.
And yeah, I do know the affair itself is not the root of the problem. It's awful and devastating, but it is just a symptom of other things. He never had any complaints that he shared with me. In fact, not even a month before the affair began, he was always telling me that he adored me and that I was a goddess. But I do know that things weren't perfect, and that I wasn't perfect. We didn't make enough time for each other. I can't even remember that last time we had a date night. And that wasn't all down to his crazy work schedule, although that certainly didn't help matters. There were times that I didn't want to do things because of my own insecurities and depression. Those are things that I have been working on. I've regained my confidence and strength, which helps a lot.
I truly believe that H is having a MLC, and that scares me - a lot. I know that it is going to be a very long, very bumpy ride. I'm just doing my best to prepare myself, and my son.
He never had any complaints that he shared with me.
But I do know that things weren't perfect, and that I wasn't perfect.
We didn't make enough time for each other.
I can't even remember that last time we had a date night.
There were times that I didn't want to do things because of my own insecurities and depression.
I truly believe that H is having a MLC, and that scares me - a lot.
I'm just doing my best to prepare myself, and my son.
Hi pw, these are the very same things I felt too and had going on in my sitch too. I'm sorry it hurts so much, it does.
It helps to read other's stories and keep journaling as much as you need too here. Advice might be harsh at times, but it keeps you going and feels awesome to know you have support and others in the same UGLY boat. We keep each other strong and sane!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Hi pw, these are the very same things I felt too and had going on in my sitch too.
((hugs)) It's just such a shock, you know? I was completely gobsmacked.
Quote:
It helps to read other's stories and keep journaling as much as you need too here. Advice might be harsh at times, but it keeps you going and feels awesome to know you have support and others in the same UGLY boat. smile We keep each other strong and sane!
I'm so glad I found this place. I'm trying to budget, and put money in savings to prepare for the worst. Can't afford counseling for myself, so it's good to have a place for support.
Well, he finally got the money into the account, and just in the nick of time - rent check went through the next morning. He'd asked me to let him know when it got in, so I did. I took that opportunity to ask him to call me later in the week so that we could discuss the holiday sitch, and he said he'd call Thursday. He didn't, but honestly, I knew he wouldn't. I'm holding firm on not contacting him unless absolutely necessary (such as the money issues a few days ago), so I won't be reminding him again. I figure I'll give him until the end of the month to call so that we can discuss this and come to a mutual agreement - after that, I will go ahead and make plans for the boys and I to go to my mom's Christmas Eve. We'll be home for Christmas day, I'll make a nice dinner, and H is welcome to come over if he likes. If these arrangements don't suit him, well, that's too bad. I've given him the opportunity to play an active role - if he chooses not to do that, it's on him.
It's funny how much he's retreated since we last saw each other nearly 3 weeks ago. He had called and wanted to see us, so I took S15 to the restaurant for dinner. After dinner, H took a break, and we all took a walk downtown. H asked me if I wanted to take our son home and come back after restaurant closed so we could have some alone time. I said that sounded fine. Well, we ended up in bed - more accurately, we ended up ML in the office (which he shares with Dishrag). I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was lonely and weak, and there was alcohol involved. It was also fantastic, but I guess that's not the point. Anyway, since then, he has been avoiding like crazy. I like to think that he's retreating because it felt right, and that confused him. And I like to think that's the same reason he doesn't seem to ever want to come here, to our house. Because when he has come here, he's seemed very relaxed and happy. Total opposite of when I see him in the town he's staying - always very stressed and down. It messes up the narrative that he's constructed - he loves me, but something "doesn't feel right."
Still no word from H, and that's just fine. Plan on having an awesome afternoon with my son after work. We're going to hit the thrift stores to find components for his Halloween costume, have an early sushi dinner, then home for popcorn and horror movies! Too bad H is gonna miss out on on the fun, but that's his choice.
Had a wonderful afternoon and evening with S yesterday - costume hunting, dinner out together, watching a couple of movies at home. I caught myself getting sad a couple of times that H wasn't there to have fun with us (he used to enjoy family outings so much), but I made myself stop, and didn't let that interfere with my time with S. I'm quite proud of myself!
Still no word at all from him. Oh, well. I feel sorry for him that he is totally missing out by not spending time with his awesome family!
We keep each other strong and sane!
