Help! He says he Loves me, but is gun shy...

[Dark Cloud]

My husband and I have been married for over 15 - almost 16 years. We have a teenage daughter who is caught in a whirlwind of confusion the same as I am. It's difficult to offer her hope for the future when even I myself don't have half the answers I need just to get through one day.

Five years ago my husband left our marriage to go have an affair with a coworker. She was a coworker who supposed filled in for what ever my husband thought he was missing at the time. In less than 3 months my husband was back living in our family home and we had a bright future together. Or so I thought.

Over time I started to find emails, text messages, and various communications between this coworker and my husband. They were always sneaking around behind her boyfriend's back and mine. I would confront my husband and he would say he won't have anything more to do with her and low and behold it would start right back up.

Then in July of 2012 she came to visit the city that we live in. She was from another state. My husband never said a word about her being here or that the reason she was here was to find a place to live for her and her boyfriend. I continue to find communications and connections between my husband and the coworker and so I would confront him and we would have arguments over her. October 2012 she moves here to our city and the communication got more secretive and more frequent.

My mom passed away Thanksgiving 2012 and my husband was there for me. By Christmas time he took 3 week off of work to supposedly spend time with his family. After about two weeks of his vacation he started acting weird - sulking, stomping around like a 2 year old and if I asked what was going on he would say - Nothing. Christmas Day he was an angel again. Just as loving and caring as I had always known him to be. But, the day after Christmas he was right back to the little 2 year old again. He left to go to the gym which I thought was great because the gym always helped make him feel better and he was able to talk better.

He started acting incredibly different. He was making plans to paint our house, bought me a special bedding set to go with the paint, etc. This was wonderful until I found out that he had gone off to the gym and secretly called the coworker. This lead to a huge fight. One where he ended up in jail and I ended up in the emergency room.

That was over 10 months ago. I could have left, but I also knew that what happened between us was not totally his fault and this was totally out of character for the both of us. I decided to stand still and fight for my marriage. I think there has been tremendous amounts of progress made, but I don't know what else to do in order to save our marriage. The 180 doesn't work with him. His dad used to be a counselor and has told him all about how the 180 works, etc. Going completely dark can't happen because we have a daughter to take care of. I am in counseling and taking some classes to learn how to better communicate. He's in counseling and is taking the same classes I am taking only his are more intense and his also include abuse and violence prevention because they are part of his punishment.

In the beginning my husband wanted nothing to do with me. He was pissed as he had never been in jail before let alone any kind of trouble with the legal system. We were under a restraining order of one type or another for the first 3 months. I went to the court and begged and pleaded to allow my husband to come home. The judge agreed that he thought we could make it work and he said my husband could come home. My husband said no on the grounds that they thought we would get into another fight and he would go back to jail. I said okay and stood firm saying I think with time this will work itself out. I didn't realize how hard this was really going to be.

For about 3 months my husband only contacted me on occasion, but that has changed over time. We share our daughter throughout the week and he would contact me with questions about where and when to pick her up. Then he stated to call and chat just to see what was going on at home and to see if we were okay and did we need anything. He wouldn't even come near our house until after about 7 months into the separation. He has gone from sitting parked in front of our house to standing out front of the house talking to me in the driveway. He would barely touch me in the beginning and now just this past week he has started hugging me, holding my hands, holding my around my waist, kissing me playfully...and that all happened without me making any kind of suggestion or asking for it.

For Easter he gave me a huge chocolate Easter bunny. For Mother's day he gave me an orchid plant. For my birthday he had a special cake made for me and he sent me a special bouquet of flowers and even signed the cared love your husband and daughter. We have spent several occasions where we have spent the entire day together and we had a blast together. It was if nothing had ever happened,but when things got too intimate he would pull away from me. I want more of these kinds of outings with my family. And I want more of my husband and I holding each other and having fun both in bed and out of it without any hesitation.

I really and truly believe he loves me. Why else would he go to so much trouble? But if he loves me like he says he does, then why won't he take the chance to date me or have anything to do with me other than talking to me on the phone or standing in the drive way holding me while we talk?

As if this isn't confusing enough...two weeks ago I get a bunch of email messages from the coworkers boyfriend. He is telling me he found love letters between the coworker and my husband. He says my husband used to hang out at their house and one time he smoked a bunch of weed and had a seizure and he saved my husband's life. Then he tells me that my husband paid for an abortion between my husband and this coworker. He tells me that he was in jail for a week and while he was in jail my husband was staying over at their house and the neighbors swore they were all partying with my husband and heard my husband and the coworker having sex. He also sent me a letter that my husband did write to this coworker. He showed me a T-shirt and some underwear and asked me if they were my husband's clothes. They were not. He also told me that my husband bailed this coworker out of jail because she had been arrested earlier in the day for domestic violence and she is staying at my husband's apartment.

I contacted my advocate for help with dealing with this situation. They in turn contact my husband's probation officer who calls my husband in for a conversation. This does not make my husband happy. He calls me up and chews me up one side and down another. This is the breakthrough we have needed in order to get conversation going that would either heal or tear us part for good. The more we talked, the better things have become. This is what caused him to start holding me, touching me and swearing his undying love to me. He tells me he thinks we have made a tremendous amount of progress and through the interaction of dealing with this other couple he can see all the good things I did for him when he was in trouble. Things that I would say I did, but he didn't have anything to compare it to in order to know how much I was really there for him.

But now even with all this good conversation happening and him profession his undying love to me, he has this coworker at his apartment. And he has told me that he doesn't want me to go away, but he needs for me to put US on hold for about two weeks so that he can concentrate on getting this girl legal help, a new place to live, etc. He even took our daughter to introduce them to each other at his work. He introduced her as his friend and he told my daughter she has nothing to worry about the he loves me and he isn't doing anything that will hurt me. He says he is only protecting this girl from a guy who does heavy drugs and is out to harm her or even kill her if her gets the chance. He tells me that this is the real reason why they have been having contact with each other over the years. He didn't want to tell me that he has been talking to this girl trying to get her to leave the guy, but she wouldn't listen and now she is in bigger danger. He said I was easier to deal with than the thought of this person ending up dead at the hands of this drug addict.

My husband explained to me that he had been to their house twice in the past year. He said he doesn't get where this guy says he smoked the pot because he has never touched it before so why would he suddenly start. He said that there has been a guy staying with this couple and the clothes are probably the guys clothes. He then said that the letter I saw was not a love letter. It was a letter trying to tell this girl that he was through helping her if she was going to keep going back to this guy. He said that he doesn't know who these people heard having sex with this coworker, but he said he knows that they all party and she does too so there is no telling who was there. He said the second time he was ever at this place was to tell her to pack up and get out while this guy was gone. But, she wouldn't leave. So, my husband said he gave up. He came and spent time with me and our daughter and he says he went back to his apartment. Then all hell broke loose between those two and now everything is a big mess. He has asked me to help him with all of the knowledge that I have from when I was dealing with this myself. He has also asked me to talk to the coworkers attorney and tell her everything this guy told me. I do not have a problem with helping -- but at the same time I am none to happy about her being at his apartment.

I asked my husband if he would think about it and consider coming home after he deals with this coworker and he said he doesn't know. He loves me but says he is gun shy because we have tried in the past and it just got worse. There is a difference now and that is the fact that we are not doing this alone. We have counselors and classes and group support to help us to learn how to clear away all the old stuff and to help get us going in the right direction again.

I know this is long, but I need to make sure that you have all the details in order to help me bust this and get my marriage back. Two more details that are important. My husband has three and a half months left on the lease of his apartment. I asked how important is the apartment to him and what he plans to do when the lease is up. He said the apartment is not that important and he doesn't know what he is going to do once the lease is up. There is a clause in the lease that states they won't rent to you if you have an assault charge of any kind -- which my husband now has. He didn't have it when he got the apartment. And two, my husband has been laid off from his job. He only has about three and a half weeks left of work and they he is unemployed. I worry that the stress of trying to take care of two households is going to pull us even father apart when we only have one full time income and what ever unemployment he is going to receive.

Okay guys...how do I get this guy home and get my marriage back on track with all of this other stuff going on? The only reason we fought in the past was over this coworker and if we can get her out of the picture I think we have a chance....or maybe I am wishful thinking?

[KarenR]

Well, I am sorry for your situation, but there are so many layers of issues here...it would be hard for a quick answer. A lot depends on if and when he will really separate from his 'co-worker', if his anger issues are resolved and truly having the info you need to work on all the trust issues involved. I suggest you talk to a DB coach, as this is what they are experts in. Not only will they help you get clarity on what your goal is, but a step by step plan on how to accomplish that. I wish you all the best.

[AnotherStander]

Hello and welcome!

We have a teenage daughter who is caught in a whirlwind of confusion the same as I am. It's difficult to offer her hope for the future when even I myself don't have half the answers I need just to get through one day.

As hard as this sounds, you have got to be her rock. She needs a solid, grounded you more than ever right now. Give her the reasurrance she needs. Tell her that you both love her very much, and that you will both always put her first.

This lead to a huge fight. One where he ended up in jail and I ended up in the emergency room.

WOW! I hope you're OK. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior.

That was over 10 months ago. I could have left, but I also knew that what happened between us was not totally his fault

The violence was ALL his fault. You don't own any part of that, and don't think that you do.

The 180 doesn't work with him. His dad used to be a counselor and has told him all about how the 180 works, etc.

That doesn't mean 180's won't work. 180's are all about owning what you did wrong in the marriage and changing those things, doing the opposite. You do it for YOU, to make yourself the BEST possible person you can be. Your H may say "oh she's doing 180's as tricks to get me back" initially, but when you stick with them for months and eventually they are incorporated into the new you, then he'll see they're real and that you're doing them with or without him in your life.

But if he loves me like he says he does, then why won't he take the chance to date me or have anything to do with me other than talking to me on the phone or standing in the drive way holding me while we talk?

Exactly. You can't assume he's reinvested into the M unless he swears off OW, breaks all contact with her and verbally commits 100% to the M.

I asked my husband if he would think about it and consider coming home after he deals with this coworker and he said he doesn't know.

I hope you don't believe all this BS he's telling you about the coworker just being someone he's trying to help. One thing all people involved in affairs have in common- they all lie. And most of what you wrote here about what your H said sound like some seriously big whoppers.

I know this is long, but I need to make sure that you have all the details in order to help me bust this and get my marriage back.

First, you have got to quit trying so hard to "fix" your M. You and your H are in different places, he's not anywhere close to wanting the M back. You've got to pull back and give him time and space while you work on yourself. Leave him to the mess he's made. You need to get out and GAL. Read DR over and over again. Get a DB coach if you can. Detach from your H.