Who is this woman & what has she done with my wife

[reachingHigher]

Hi THX!

I read the last few posts and your agony over splitting the idea of being available for quality time and not being available ... to give W the signal that you won't be her best friend if you D, caught my eye.

It's a tough road. I faced the same constant dilemma last fall and am now in reconciliation with H moved back home.

Have you talked to a DB coach? When I felt that total confusion about my sitch was when I felt the coach helped the most.

There was advice I would read here that applied to some sitches at some times, that would conflict with what the coach told me.

I ended up working on ..... occasionally talking about and apologizing for my failings in the M, mixed with some quality time with H and boys (cookouts mostly with the boys--very little in public) and some times turning down H's request for time together as it drew closer to the impending D. This sent the signal I wouldn't always be there for him.

The coach said to inject as much humor as possible. I didn't do this very well, but for some people it works I guess. One time I met H with the boys at a large church parking lot about a week before Christmas and two weeks before expected D. I was dropping off some more of his things from home to him and all I could do was sit in the car and cry. I was so ashamed. So I have done everything wrong in the book!

H & I always had texting and some calls and almost always twice a week visits. And I can assure you it was rough at times.

My H also told me how happy he was with his new lifestyle. There is just some getting "out there" that has to happen before someone realizes that they may want what is right in front of them all along!

Making permanent changes for yourself and letting the spouse see those changes over time is so important.

It sounds like you're pretty grounded just wondering what to do.

Personally, I hardly see W chatting from time to time with you as cake-eating. Maybe I should've read more of your sitch.

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I looked at some more of what you posted in the past and still don't think chatting with her is cake eating. But then I like to chat and my H doesn't.

I guess you are saying that you feel too physically attracted to her and that it is too painful? I can understand that. I'm sorry it hurts so bad. I really, really understand!

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I looked at your question again and tried to pic myself in the scenario. W filed for D and has moved out? I think I would be available sometimes for chatting and sometimes I would be busy doing something else. Maybe a quick "how are you? Good to see you!" On those days (possible side hug, lol!)

Something to let her know you aren't always there for her but also allows time for her to rebond to you at other times? Idk. Just guessing.