Should I confront or not?

[peaceSJ]

He just doesn't want to stay with me anymore. He seems to hate me. Though I did a lot of things to him (taking care of kids, cooking, laundry, housework...), but he seems blinded and very defensive. For whatever I did or whatever I said, he didn't like it. I don't know if it is MLC or not, but he said without me his life will be easier and happier. He didn't think about our kids, out family anymore... and refused what I did for the family and for him...

[MrBond]

"Also it was always my H initiating sex... So now he feels he was hurt... But I don't think I did it on purpose. I think both of us didn't put our efforts to realize the problem and tried to fix it."

To be fair you said that he mentioned it to you but at the time you might have blown him off. That can be extremely emasculating to a guy if he has to ask for sex. It's almost like begging.

"Though I did a lot of things to him (taking care of kids, cooking, laundry, housework...), but he seems blinded and very defensive."

All those are fine, HOWEVER what you don't understand is that men need validation. They need to be encouraged just as much as women do. AND men express their love through physical actions, especially sex.

"For whatever I did or whatever I said, he didn't like it. I don't know if it is MLC or not, but he said without me his life will be easier and happier."

He's resentful right now. Don't worry about the things he's telling you now. Keep learning.

"He didn't think about our kids, out family anymore... and refused what I did for the family and for him..."

You expressed your love through doing things when all he wanted was you to love him for him. You said he brought it up before, but for whatever reason you ignored it. That's why he feels resentful. Most M'd men with kids can get a little resentful after their spouse spends more time with the kids than them. It can get very lonely from the guy's POV.

Now I'm not saying that he's right to have an OW, but if he felt neglected by you before, it's understandable how he could start to develop feelings for someone who spends their attention on him alone.

[peaceSJ]

Thank you for your reply, MrBond. You're very right. That's exactly what my H is feeling now. He is not very opened person. So I didn't realize the problem until he dropped the bomb. But having affair with OW can not solve the problem but only will hurt me and our kids and also himself. I don't know how long his resentment will last.
I'm trying to detach from him, but also is there anything else I can do? I don't want our kids to live in a broken family.

[MrBond]

"But having affair with OW can not solve the problem but only will hurt me and our kids and also himself."

That's YOUR opinion. He thinks otherwise. First off you need to understand why he's doing what he's doing. Plus, even though you disagree with what he's doing, he does have a right to do what he wants. You can't control that.

What you can do is sympathize with him and continue to grow in your own way. What is something that the OW is providing him that you haven't been? Compliments? Encouragement? Coversations? Were you talking to him like another one of your children rather than your H? Change the behaviors that you have control over. Do that for you and not just for your H.

[Pudmuddle]

MrB, I love your perspective. This has helped me immensely to understand my H more. I did many of the things peace did.

Peace, I have come to learn that we really need to understand how we hurt our H's. And we hurt them bad. It doesn't mean you understand what he is doing now, but truly understand the hurt you have caused him to get him to where he is at now. What appears to be simple disregards for our H's, especially in physical areas has really beat then down. I know that when I get the chance with my H, (whenever that may be!) I will not apologize for my actions, but apologize for the hurt my actions caused. That is true understanding and forgiveness. MrB has given you some great insight here, try to sit back and absorb when you are in a calmer state of mind. Hang in there. I'm with you!

[peaceSJ]

Thank you both for your insights. It is very helpful. I think I understand more about my H.
But one thing really bothers me is that every time when he was meeting the OW, it hurt me a lot. Still I can not pretend that I didn't know the truth. I hurt him before, now he even hurts more...

[peaceSJ]

Last night was really bad. I found my H signed a year apartment lease. So he'll moved out within next three weeks. Then we had a talk, and he complained that I was a terrible wife and self-centered which I think is abosulutley not true. He blaimed on me for anything he can think of, not only sex but also things such as I don't like traveling, I don't skii, I'm not very interested in photography, I let him help feed our kids at midnight when they were new borns... I can understand he is not very satisfied with our sex life, but I don't understand how come suddenly he felt that our 17 year marriage is so miserable. He made me so angry.

Though he will move out, he said he'll still come back home every day since he wants to pick up kids from school and stay with them at home until they go to sleep. Then he'll go to the apartment. He will also continue to have dinner at home if I cook. Is it rediculous?

How do I deal with such situation? What kind boundries I should set?

I'd really appreciate your inputs? Thank you.

[Starsky309]

Though he will move out, he said he'll still come back home every day since he wants to pick up kids from school and stay with them at home until they go to sleep. Then he'll go to the apartment. He will also continue to have dinner at home if I cook. Is it rediculous?

Is this for real? Seriously??

Yes, this is not only ridiculous, but it is ENTIRELY inappropriate. If he moves out, he moves out -- your place is not to be an inn, where he comes and goes as he pleases. The two of you will need to set up a formal visitation schedule with the kids, and separate your finances.

He doesn't get to have the best of both worlds -- he has to put his big-boy pants on, and CHOOSE. The situation he suggests above would be confusing (at best) and emotionally damaging to you AND the kids.


Starsky

[willbwell]

peaceSJ, I have let my h come and go with seeing the kids as he pleases for a year. i've done this to stay amicable. we've had no set visitation plan. now that h has filed paperwork, I know I need to get visitation in place. while we have remained amicable. the reality is that my h does not want to be a part of our home. he's had absolutely no consequences to his actions. I've allowed it. Not the best choice. I would say. didn't want to confront. Didn't want to set bounderies. really, it got me no where. I am sorry you are in this situation. Starsky is right.

[Ambivalent]

Hi Peace,

I have read a bit. I believe while he is in the anger stage, it may be best to take it slowly. Boundaries should be set, but right now try to be a bit flexible.

He has to make you the villain, so in his mind leaving is justified. If you are NOT acting like one, it makes it more difficult for him to leave. This does not mean you are a doormat.

If he thinks it is okay to come over every eve. and spend time with them 'til they go to sleep, have somewhere you can go! If he wants to be the "fun" guy, allow him the responsibility as well. Is he going to do baths and homework with them? Is he going to read bedtime stories?

Going somewhere is a good way for you to go dim. You don't need to tell him where, but make it something or somewhere you will enjoy! Let him be alone with the kids for awhile, so he can answer their questions. Also, it will give him space. Decide on which nights he may come over, and whether or not you want to cook for him is YOUR decision.

Perhaps your goals could be :

Have civil conversations

Do not engage in any arguments

Always look awesome

Slap a happy smile on and keep it light


This can go a long way towards calming the beast inside.

Has Cadet sent you the list yet?

Are you in control of your emotions and behaviors?

Presently, you seem to have time. Use it wisely. Right now having a " clandestine " affair adds to his excitement, and admitting it to you would burst the bubble of fun.

I would not confront in a hostile way, just matter of fact, with a clear message that it isn't okay with you. Then I would step back, and let him deal with some decisions he has to make.

GAL, FAST! Start working on yourself, exercise, eat healthy and try to get some sleep. If you can't sleep, read everything you can get your paws on!

He hasn't filed, which means YOU have time. If he leaves, he is going to have to deal with the consequences of this.

Don't facilitate the relationships between the children and your H. Don't come between them either. Put you and them first, and stick to the reasonable boundaries you set.

He may try and bully , guilt, and shame you. EXPECT this and be prepared emotionally and perhaps with a few pat lines in your arsenal...

" I'm sorry you feel that way..."

" Perhaps another time, after we've cooled off..."

" I will not engage with you if your voice is raised/use that language/ do not respect my boundaries..."

This way you will be equipped to stand, and you can diffuse any ugliness which may paint you as someone to leave!

Make sure you validate him when he spews, and take notes! If he spews, ask him if there is anything else he wants to share about the marriage from his perspective. It's okay to say you are sorry he feels the way he does. Thank him for finally telling you, for without knowing how he feels you cannot learn from past experiences. This can and may help you, so reeeeeally listen to what he says! Don't argue or try to convince him of anything .

He will NOT hear you. He will notice if you cry, yell, walk away, but he will hear nothing you say right now. He is in an angry place and the sooner he gets it out and as often as he can get it out, the sooner you two can get to a civil place!

Thank him when he does something nice, this show appreciation. Appreciation, is no. 1 on most husbands lists!

Good luck and you can do this...