It puts me in the position of implying that I'm sexually OK and that she is the one with a deficient sexuality
Yes this is always tricky, it's a common WAS defense. I go back to my analogy. If you told her you would never speak to her again, and she told you that your communication skills were deficient, you could rightfully argue that you are (1) entitled to speak to whoever you want whenever you want, (2) some people are less communicative than others and that's okay, and that (3) that not being talkative doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.
You would be "right" on all three counts in the context of the broader population and society at large, but 100% "wrong" in the context of your marriage, because you would be failing to acknowledge, respect, and respond to your partner's needs.
Her sexuality is a problem because it causes a problem in your marriage.
Outside of the context of your marriage, it is not a problem at all.
It is deficient within your marriage, not outside of it.
The challenge is does she care that her behavior is deficient in the context of your marriage? It doesn't sound like it, and that is a problem.
Who cares what society and everyone else thinks? Her sexuality is important to YOU and she married you.
Now if you married her with the understanding that she was non-sexual, then it would be your DUTY to understand, respect, and support that position. That's not what happened however, she changed the rules after the fact.
So when will you discuss open marriage with her and when will you start practicing it? It will be good to see you getting your needs met.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
So she's had some "big sister" friends who have spoken very positively about female sexuality and it seems to have softened her position a bit, but not enough to take any action.
What do you mean she has softened her position a bit? Have you discussed this ?
How does she justify to you that she has changed the rules to your marriage, and she does not intend on working on herself?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
Softened in the sense that she accepts that other women like sex. Previously, she had gone to the other end of the spectrum and implying that sex was something only men wanted and women had to put up with it.
She doesn't justify it. She even feels guilty about it. But she doesn't see the point in doing it when it's not enjoyable to her, and it seemingly is only a selfish demand on my part.
Discuss open marriage? She doesn't want to talk about sex. It would be just another instance of me wanting to talk about sex once more yet another time again.
She'd rather that I just deal with my sexuality however I chose, as long as it doesn't unpleasantly involve her somehow. Simple as that.
She does care, which is why she buys me pin-up calendars.
All this abstract talk is easy when it's not your relationship. Even in open marriages, it's not always a blank check. It might depend on who it is. So it's pointless to ask for a blank check before you even do anything, and perhaps might not do anything. If it comes to a point where it's a valid question, it would be for a specific person or situation, and I've always been pretty good at being open with everyone involved. This is a situation I can solve and really don't need anybody else's advice on. The hard problem for me has been getting my wife interested in sex.
Had a female friend once who had just divorced. She told me their sexual relationship was pretty much dead and she had lost her interest. So her husband wanted to divorce her and found a new girlfriend. But here's the interesting part -- apparently because of the tension of the upcoming divorce and "competition" from his new girlfriend, my friend said she was hot to have sex with her soon-to-be ex. And they did, and it was some of the hottest sex she'd ever had.
I understand the psychology. Kind of sad though. Not my preferred way to spice up my love life.
It caused the same in me! I took it and thought if this happens, then I'm not dead inside. There is something triggering this response. So I started doing a ton of research.
I learned quite a bit about my needs, EMOTIONAL needs. What contributed to my lack of desire, what I can do to jump start it. What I need from him to feel validated and a priority.
This is where YOU come in. What are YOU doing to make yourself a better spouse. Sometimes the men have no clue what they have done in the past to contribute to this situation.
Sometimes they think they have been just fine, and that it is just her. Many times it is because the woman doesn't know without really looking back at the marriage. Even the dating and wooing period. There are many years where a hurt could have taken place and then it gets buried, and built upon.
This may not be something YOU want to hear, but something you may just have to face. What she may be telling you may not be the truth either.
Many things have to do with desire. Bad breath, stress, how one is treated, whether one tells the other what they need or like. Whether one is even aware of what their body is doing! SO many things, it isn't a switch. It is so much more complex.
