on the edge...

[dingo]

Thanks again Sandi. Your posts have been invaluable.

I also am very concerned about the work situation and she and I actually spoke about it yesterday. I was the one to initiate the conversation and did so calmly and un-emotionally. I expressed to her that I was concerned that her work situation would make it very difficult for us to work things out. She admitted to having some group conversations with the OM and other employees that were personal in nature as well as a brief exchange of the 'how was your weekend' variety. She said it is very difficult for her not to associate with him but that she is trying. I told her I know that she's trying and I appreciate her efforts.

We continued our discussion in a pretty calm manner. I used some of the wisdom I have learned here - recognizing that her 'work' wouldn't look the same or progress at the same rate as my 'work' and that I do know that she is trying very hard for us. She mentioned that she was very surprised at how hard I was working and fighting for the marriage and that she didnt expect that I would fight or would be able to change as much as I have. She also questioned why I have given her so many chances and why I haven't moved on.

She said a number of pretty important things: that she's still not 100% convinced that she's making the right decision by working on the marriage, that she would be giving more effort if she felt that staying in the marriage was her only option, and that its very difficult for her to talk about things with me because she's ashamed and is afraid that being totally honest might hurt my feelings. I told her that we should try to be as honest with each other as possible so we both understand what we're really up against. I said that I am fighting so hard because I love her and believe in our marriage and what we committed to. She told me that she loves OM - which was a pretty tough blow to me. I asked why she was staying in the marriage and she said that she loved me too, that she didnt get married only to get divorced 2 years later and because she feels its the right thing to do.

We talked again about the job situation and she said that she is looking for another job. It will at least be until the end of the month though as she has surgery late in October. She also said that Mondays are very tough for her because of the anticipation of seeing OM for the first time in a few days. She said that its good and bad anticipation - that part of her is excited to see him but part of her sees it as a situation that she has to resist.

We stopped talking about this point and I thanked her for her honesty and efforts and she thanked me for my efforts, support and that she was able to be honest with me without me getting mad.

I am obviously very concerned about the work situation and also that she's still not seeing that the marriage is her only option. I worry that this combination will not allow her to have the strength or will to resist the temptations or accept the withdraws.

She doesn't have a friend like you described but she does have a number of friends that do believe in marriage (single and married friends), that understand that relationships take work and friends that encourage her to do the right thing. I actually mentioned you again and asked my wife if I could send her more information that you sent to me. She agreed to that and I edited out parts of your above post that I didnt feel like she needed to see. I emailed it to her and she said she would read it today. I also send her some articles that discussed the points you brought up about why she may feel how she feels about the OM and how the affair is similar to an addiction.

We did cancel out MC appointment for tomorrow. After our talk last night, I genuinely believe that she wants this to work and is working things out for herself. I am trying to continue with positive interactions only between us and will bring up some sort of program again after a few days