Z--Yes, what to DO with this information is what has me intrigued. My guess is that my H will not figure this out by himself... unless he's actually doing that introspection.
And although we know people can and do change, unless they are motivated to do so, it is unlikely.
Welcome to the sea here. Berto has had good things to say about you, so it must be true.
Myrrh--I posted an answer to you on your thread. Big hugs. I know this path will be a big hard for a bit. You've got friends here who can help.
Nighty night to all in the deep blue sea.
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
From your closed post Bets: Why can't this guy just validate and say wow?
I think I have several reasons. To a P/A man, validating you is the same as saying you are right. And they do not want you to be right. Giving comfort is seen as bowing to your manipulation and control. (She is acting like this or saying this so I will go over and hug her and I will not be controlled) Truly you can't win. Giving affirmation is very hard for these people BUT they need affirmation more than anyone else. Notice on your phone call: Mr W says: oh poor me I am tired and never get to do anything fun yada yada . Which is your cue to baby him, NUTURE him.But when you were needing a little hug for dealing with a down computer....hell no...lets talk about what is wrong with Bets etc. How DARE she need me, I don't want to be needed,She needs to be strong.....
You can't win and if you ever get that hug they remember it as 28 hugs and so you owe them bigtime.
This played over and over in my marriage and I jsut never got it. How do you stop it? Well, when they are in a nice mood you have to coax it out of them: oh honey I am just feeling blue and need a hug from my main man to make me smile. You hold his feet to the fire and say exactly what you need from your man. But that only works when he is feeling loving towards you...like back in the good old days. Now...he thinks, why should I hug HER when I want to be hugged instead?
I am down today Bets. I didnt' like the way depositions went. I don't like lawyers. My husband lied. My lawyer didn't ask the questions I wanted asked. He asked what he wanted to know..but hell I already knew the answers to those questions. And he had no idea why I wanted certain things asked and it was just frustrating.
In the depositions Jim lied . He wants half of what I built and he's already taken most of it....but not before ruining it by selling it off for half price.
He wants allof what he built...his career. And I am supposed to get a new career..because being wife and mom and managing house and investments 24/7 for 25 years isn't enough....and the 5 houses I built...well he says he built them too (not) and they should be split. But i see it different. Tell me how you like this analagy because I am giving it to divorce lawyer to use in mediation.
A story: Two people are partners and one says he wants to work only 4 days a week BUT he is willing to work until age 65. One says she does not want to work past age 52 but she will work two jobs for 12 years. And the money she earns from one of the jobs is equal to her partner's salary. The other job's pay will go into a FUND and when she reaches age 52, she will take money out of the fund to match her partner's 4 day a week earnings.
BUT, when she reaches 52, the partner kicks her to the curb and says: ok, lets divide the assets. All our saved money (including what was put away from the second job)is divided and then I go my way and keep my career and you get to start work again.
Well, that is how it feels. In Colorado, the stay at home mom' job counts as equal. So, had I not built those 5 houses I would get half of everything WE had saved and invested over those years...wouldn't have been all that much . NOW I'd have energy maybe to build some houses. BUt I built my houses way back when ....and the sale of the houses is the product of MY work in the past, just like the money X commands now at the pinnacle of his career is the product of his work.
Wordy, sorry....I am very frustrated. If I get screwed too badly in this d, I will spend a lot of time seeking revenge. And I will get it. Why would he wantthat?
I'm kinda down. Mediation is in less than 3 weeks. Linda
It’s so easy for us to see the light, makes you wonder if the aliens are stone blind or maybe just around a different corner, doesn’t it?
Would Mr. PA be open to some suggestions, or would he resent you in the long run for making them? For instance, if you were to say, “well, Mr. W, I understand how difficult it can be to have time with oneself. What I try to do is [insert suggestion]”. It does send a bit of an underlying message of “AND I clean a house that could eat yours for a snack while taking care of our two girls. So quit your fricking whining!” but since you do not actually say the words I don’t think they can be held against you. Note the word ‘think’.
Since my own fish friend puts a paper bag over his head when it comes to viewing the obvious, I am struggling with the same problem.
Bruce, you had a chance for a fat fish dinner…and you declined! GO YOU!!!
Since I didn't see you on the news last night, I am assuming that D9 found her way home?
Sign me, Crazy woman who thinks that parking stickers take precedence over oil change ones.
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Hey, guys - I need some intervention - can I have a visit over at the house of crazy? (aka my thread) Thanks and hope you're doing okay today, Bets. Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Linda--I'm sorry to hear about the latest turn of events in our lovely CO court system. At least you know that you have been able to hold your head high and remain truthful through this entire sordid mess. I'm so proud of you for continually taking the high road.
When it's all said and done, we'll have more convos on revenge. I am a firm believer in karmic debt and I know you don't want to hear this, but the people I see who elect to take this path age significantly along the way.
You are so damn pretty and passionate that I just can't allow that to happen. I know that life is unfair--really, I finally got this myself--but there comes a point when it all has to be let go.
You're one of the most busy people I know... yet you find time to help those of us in need. PLUS you're a mom to a wonderful young woman--someone who is kind, witty, intelligent and best of all, YOUR FRIEND. You are quite the catch, dear lady. So let's instead convince you to devote your energy putting out vibes so that you attract the right kind of fishies.
Mer--Well, no, I can't have this convo with Mr. W. Having a convo on this subject is a bozo no-no per our MC. Why? It comes across as maternal.
However, if and when the day arrives that he gives me the green light that he's willing to work on things, I'm going to ask him to read Mars/Venus. It drives home the part of nagging to women, and fixing things to men.
So it will just have to go on that list of things to address later on. I truly don't think he realizes how selfish and self absorbed he comes across. The question is WHEN is he going to be willing to take a good inventory of himself?
Who knows... cuz I certainly don't.
I'm feeling a little better today, even though I'm not completely up and running on my new PC yet (I'm running some maintenance in the background as I post here).
Then I'm going to have to get cracking once I am.
So I have some really good feedback from you guys that will be worthwhile if he gives us the chance to really work on things. Right now, the only person who is working is me, and that has been a real energy drain.
Big hugs to all (group hug now),
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: Mer--Well, no, I can't have this convo with Mr. W. Having a convo on this subject is a bozo no-no per our MC. Why? It comes across as maternal.
I figured as much!! Worth a shot...
Quote: Right now, the only person who is working is me, and that has been a real energy drain.
Believe me...I KNOW!!!! The really crummy part is that if they just opened themselves up a little bit to the changes that needed to occur, this would be so much easier for everyone! Including THEM! Ugh...frustration!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
Well, I know this is a gross understatement, but it's probably not going to happen over the weekend... which is why I'm glad I have you guys here.
Uh, do you think you could get MI and WY to change places on the map? I have no need for my northern neighbor, so it would be a pleasant change. And road trips would certainly be much more tolerable...
Let me know when you can get that done!!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
