you know where you were saying about holding on too tightly to the past. it's the problem you know - something to compare it to. if we never had any kind of an r that was great - we wouldn't be looking for it again. that's the problem-KNOWING what i'm missing- what someone else is getting- grrrrrrr grrrrr
i wanna be all generous and wise- really do. i'm just not- i'm sick and tired of being gracious about "doing without" while some jerk is getting it all. ya know- i know it's counterproductive- i just felt like sayin it.
never mind- i'm confused and unfocused - better go wash my stupid hair and decent-up a bit since i didn't get called to work. pay some bills- balance mom's checking acct - & pay her tax bills - lots to do- no enthusiasm or "perk"
so , you know, i was thinking about you being allll upbeat and wise and in control and alllllll the tings probably most of us are not- aren't "feelin"
then i was thinking about acting like i am "normal" - and it occurred to me - duyhhhhhh- ACT AS IF -
SOOOO - THAT's it huh? acting as if life is fine and dandy and laughing and doing stuff and goin on, whether you feel like it or not, whether you like it or not, just keep moving ahead - somehow - someway -
is that it? is that all there is? do ya really think after time we get to actually feel okay if we tell ourselves enough we are okay- and life is okay- etc.????
if i'm having soooooo much trouble and time getting "out of my own tunnel" how the heck would an h EVER do it- they are clueless and don't even know they're in one- much less like us, WORKIN HARD on coming out - getting "better", etc.
Hey Nero, my friend. I hope you are feeling better.
I understand what you are saying about having something to compare. I get that. I do. The thing is, that there is no way of knowing whether you will have this relationship again or another one some day. But there is always the hope. And you were blessed to have had this relationship with someone.
As far as her having what you had, you know in your heart that isnt true. He is in crisis, needing to save someone, she is unworthy, needing to be saved. Not exactly a recipe for a healthy relationship. Neither he or she are getting it all. Not by a long shot.
You can say how you feel as much as you want, Nero. There is no rule against it. You feel what you feel. And if it makes you feel better to say - go for it.
For me, it was a choice to no longer do that. Because it didnt change anything. Didnt make me feel better. Didnt serve me well. We all do what we need to, to get through it all.
I dont know about me being all upbeat, wise and in control. I just do the best I can. Some days it works, some days it doesnt.
Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it and act as if. I did that for a long time. But then, I started trying to find the good stuff in my life. I started to do things that I enjoyed, that I always wanted to try. I started to reach out to people more. Dont get me wrong. Do I miss being married? Yes. Do I miss what I once had? Yes. But, I cant have that life right now. So, I choose to live my life in the best way I know how. And I am happy, Nero. I wish things were different in some aspects of my life. But, I dont want to spend my days wishing my life away, wishing the days away.
We only get this one life. It is your choice how you want to live it. You can choose to not live your life. You can choose to stay in bed, cry all day, rail against all the bad stuff. That is a choice always. But I'm thinkin, whats the point of that? How is that going to make someone feel better?
As far as your h, I know several people, in real life, who have come out of the tunnel. It is possible, Nero. It is.
uR, Very well said. Nero, please live your life to the fullest and don't put anything on hold. She's right, you only have this one life and there is happiness out there waiting for you to find it.
I can attest to the ow playing the damsel in distress and the mlcer wanting to be the rescuer. It happens all of the time because the mlcer feels sorry and down on himself and here comes the ow and she's all boo hooing about her life, i.e., maybe the her h put her out or her h isn't giving her the attention she needs or she says that they don't have anything in common any more and then...boom! The mlcer thinks that's what he needs to do make himself feel better...rescue the other person. Their lives are built on a sand dune and the fantasy begins. It may take a year or even longer for the reality of who they truly are surfaces. They both wear many masks until they get tired of playing the roles that caught them both in the net. If they marry, they will proclaim that they are the love of each other's life, but there will come a time when something should happen in their lives, some of them will finally admit to a family member or a close friend, that they made the biggest mistake of their lives and regret that it ever happened. I've heard this many times and I just shake my head because they couldn't see the forest for the trees.
Nero, you will get to the other side when you are ready. Continue to talk out your feelings because it is helping you to heal. Just remember this...you got the best years of his life and the ow is getting the scraps, i.e., the old and tired person.
Nero, be kind to yourself and know that we all love you and want what is best for you. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had a horrific childhood. Most every day was wrought with unimaginable pain and sorrow, sadness and anger.
I survived mostly because I had to take care of my sister.
I have a neuromuscular disease that is degenerative and progressive. I had two miscarriages. My beloved sister buried two babies. My only child has my disease, which has manifested itself worse in him, along with other serious health issues.
One of my brothers ran away from home and never came back. The other is an alcoholic like my mother. Both of my parents are gone a long time.
My sister uses a walker and has lost all her hair.
My xh had an affair. Left me to pay half of a $60,000 debt I knew nothing about. My house is upside down in worth. I cannot sell it. I still owe my lawyer thousands of dollars for a divorce I didnt want. And because I cannot meet my bills, owe a lot of money. My xh invaded most of our retirement funds. And he lied about having a job until after the divorce.
He moved 5 hours away from his only child and will not help with his medical bills. I have a job without benefits and have been unable to find one that offers them. Until recently I worked three jobs but it got to be too much on my legs so I am down to two. Both do not offer benefits.
I am sharing all this because I want you to know my mindset. When all this happened with my marriage, I was depressed for a long time.
Until one day, I started thinking. I looked at myself and thought, I am not living.
Is that what I wanted to show my son? Is that what I wanted for myself?
I mean, feeling like that was certainly understandable. But, it wasnt working for me anymore.
I wanted more for my life. I wanted to show my son that life is hard, but, you can get through it all.
I still have some days when it all gets to me. I wouldnt be human if I didnt.
But, I choose every day to find a reason to laugh. Great, big belly laughs. I find a reason to feel blessed, a reason to appreciate what life has to offer.
Because all that stuff in my life that isnt good, is going to be there either way. I can add to the misery or find a way around it. I can let it get to me or rise above it.
I know that if I allow it to change me. If I allow it to beat me, I lose me. And that is not an option. Either is quitting.
No one knows what the future holds. I can live in the past. I can feel sorry for myself. I can blame other people.
But that gives the power to someone else, something else.
And I am unwilling to do that. I get to choose my life, my heart, my thoughts, my happiness. And each and every time, I choose me.
I get that you are sad. I get that you are angry. I get that you dont see yourself ever being happy again.
But, Nero, you just have to choose something different. It isnt easy. Trust me on that one. It isnt. But, oh, the rewards.
You will get there in your own time, my friend.
I am no wiser, no more upbeat or in control than anyone else.
I am just me. Living in my life. Doing the best I can, in the best way I know how.
And hoping and praying for the best. But accepting whatever I get.
Its all about perspective. Its about plan b or c or d. Its about seizing the day and doing your best and reaching out. Its about knowing, without a single doubt, that you will be ok.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I am living in denial. Who knows? I just know that I aint ready to lay down. I am not ready to give up. And I know that there is a great big old world out there. So, it better look out. LOL!
Hooray for Obamacare! Healthcare coverage is coming for you, UR. You are exactly the kind of "falling through the cracks" story that will benefit from the subsidies and the removal of pre-existing condition restrictions.
Hey KML, um, long story, but, I will have to pay way more than I can afford. I have looked into it all. The chart to determine subsidies is skewed and will not help me. And if I dont get healthcare, I will have to pay a penalty.
What an inspiration UR. You are very special to even be able to share your story with us, thank you.
I look around and say what am I holding on to, a man who is gone, who am I looking for, a man who is crazed, who do I want to be with, a man that is depressed, no, what is it about me that can't let go?
This is a learning phase for us as well. I remember your story about how your D helped you find you. It's a forever journey, but a journey we may never have take to explore ourselves.
I'm just as lonely as the next person, and believe me I get how that occupies a brain and clouds our judgement. I have made most of my mistakes out of loneliness, but all it causes if grief because no matter what, nothing we do will make a difference.
Other then fairy dust sprinkled over my H, nothing will help him until he reaches out for change. I am learning to let go of the illusion I created, that I am in control of his happiness.
I'm in control of only mine, and tho I have a long way to to achieve that thought, I hope I am on my way. I will past your words to read when I think I can't do it, and remember if you can do it....what am I crying about.
I'm still working on that whole " what do I want to do" that we talked about. I think if I can pin something down it will give me a goal to focus on, and work toward.
I am open to all ideas
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Hey Dawn, thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot
You are so hard on yourself, too, sweetie. Letting go is very, very difficult. It is one of the hardest things you will ever do. You are holding onto the memories of what once was. When you think about letting go, it feels as if you are letting go of all that. And that is scary.
It feels more comfortable to hold on tight to what you knew. It is familiar.
When you let go, though, you are releasing yourself from being bound by the past. It stops you from moving into the future. And that future can be something great. Whether it be a new marriage with your h or not.
Yes, it is true, all of this was a journey to find me. It is a forever journey. And I know that I would not have found me, if it werent for all this. Do I wish I could have learned what I did in a different way? Absolutely. But I trust that this is the way I was meant to learn it. And so, I am grateful.
Ah, fairy dust. That would be nice, right? But you are correct, only he can get through this and out the other side. No matter how much you want it for him.
You place a terrible burden on yourself, and him, to feel that you control his happiness.
Yes, you are only in control of yours. And it will ebb and flow. That's life.
But, you can change your mindset and that helps a lot.
This all happens when and as it should, Dawn.
The first step is in learning to let go.
The next is looking within.
You are on your way, my friend.
There are ways to figure stuff out. Put down all the things you would love to do if money were no object. Put down dream jobs and places you have always wanted to go.
Put down traits of people you admire. Classes you've always wanted to take.
Keep thinking and writing.
Picture yourself as the person you know you can be. Everyday try to be that person. SOme days you'll make it, some you wont. But that should be the goal.
You will figure it out, Dawn. I have no doubt.
Remember, it is not the destination, but the journey.
Start taking yours.
I'm still working on that whole " what do I want to do" that we talked about. I think if I can pin something down it will give me a goal to focus on, and work toward.
