Baby Steps...It has been one week without any backslides. I have seen H everyday (due to kids) and we have managed to be civil. I have been happy and friendly. I have been taking better care of myself and feel beautiful and more confident. For the past year, H's negative comments have been holding me down.
H has started to call/text more often. He is generally calling about the kids, but it is a step in the right direction. For so long, he has been avoiding communication because he is worried that I will break down and he does not want to deal with it. For the first time in over a year and despite the fact that he no longer lives there, H started helping me around our house. He organized the garage, changed the filters, changed light bulbs. H took out the trash. H used to do all these things but stopped over a year ago when he checked out of the marriage. While we were organizing the garage, he was even talking about improvements to the house and that we should take a day when the kids are away to work on the house. I saw a tiny glimpse of the man that I married that has been gone for so long.
I know that this does not mean anything, but it is nice to see that maybe we can become friends again and/or at least co-parent in a positive manner. Two weeks ago we literally could not even be in the same room together. I keep reminding myself to focus on the small things and keep working on me.
I can honestly say that it feels amazing to be the bigger person in this situation. I have moments of pure happiness again.
I spent so much time focusing on GAL and not backsliding that I did not even realize my biggest big break through so far. Not only have I not cried in front of H, I have not shed a single tear in one week. After months of crying every day, something has changed inside me. I still get angry and hate the situation I am in, but I dont feel the deep depression anymore. I am getting stronger by the day (still not there completely by any means, but making baby steps).
Tonight I am headed out to dinner for a ladies night out with a new moms group that I joined. Tomorrow night I have IC and then my new yoga class. For the first time in years, I am taking time for myself and it feels nice. It makes me sad to miss these two evenings with my kiddos, but I know that these things will make me a happier person and better mommy.
