Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[25yearsmlc]

Thanking him for doing legwork IS GOOD. My DB coach said to "applaud loudly for the 1% positives they do" and it does help.

25years, I disagree with this as it pertains to the initiation of separation. Why would we want to applaud our spouses ripping our hearts apart by moving out, turning our lives upside down, canceling utilities, taking furniture, etc?


Because that is NOT what HE thinks he is doing and frankly, it's not the phone calls to change utitlities, etc that is breaking them up. It's him leaving a marriage he finds unacceptable.

Seeing ourselves as victims does NOT help us or our situation. It really does not.

For one thing, among many others, is that it makes it harder for them to imagine reconciling with someone that they have "wronged"....b/c it makes them Not believe you'd ever forgive...that you'd never move on, b/c you are "so hurt" and "he is so wrong"...

He has to believe that you two could someday go "from this day forward"...leaving the past behind, which you have had issues with before. So

reminding the WAS of all the damage they have inflicted may feel good, may feel totally justified, and may be justified...

but it won't make them come back.


We can applaud the positive actions/behaviors which will, hopefully, generate more positive responses. This is called 'positive reinforcement' for a good reason! Not too different from dog training or potty training!


I would not mock that so fast. That simple suggestion reminded me that my husband's love language was words of affirmation and touch.

But I had been so hurt that I focussed on what LACKED in him and his actions, which means I was not speaking in his love language to him, and his tanks were pretty empty (as were mine. But we have to take the first step AND we have to take the next 103 steps too...)

For me, the applause felt awkward and over the top at first,

but later on it just made me feel like a more loving woman. And I became one.


Suffice to say, I think it is just plain good manners and courteous to acknowledge H's email and thank him for it. Nothing less, nothing more. We don't need to do hand springs here.

Who said do hand springs? Do you think too much positive affirmation has been going on in this marriage?

I just said what my DB coach said. MNS, you may seriously consider hiring a DB coach. I know it seems pricey but so is divorce.

I ended up getting something like 12-15 sessions with my coach and she was a Godsend to me. Best single thing of many, that I did to stay m.