14th Thread to Somewhere Uncertainly

[reachingHigher]

This sound good, T^2.

I've been reading some about narcissistic parents lately and I thought about your W and how hard it is for her to learn to trust. I feel so sorry for her. I assume her parents fell in that class...or her dad?

[uRworthy]

T, it must be daunting for your wife right now, starting to face all the stuff of the last 4 years. But it is a necessary part of the process.

I would bet that you handle things gracefully and in your special T2 way.

A wide berth is what is needed, my friend. Keep a safe distance, while still letting her know you are there if needed.

You got this.

[RosaLinda]

T2 "I did get a hug after expressing my desire for one, and it wasn't a side hug and there wasn't any <pat><pat> involved. It was full frontal contact, a "real" hug... But idk, maybe some more being comfortable around me in general. No expectations there, especially IF she is revisting some replay, just a "feeling" I have. If so, I know she has to work that out within herself, like your H did.

This loveless, sexless marriage thingy does have an expiration date, I'm just not sure when it is, I left my reading glasses in the car... Somewhere the line between providing a safe, sane place for someone to work things out, and being taken advantage of, maybe will get crossed, but I hope not."

PudMuddle "wow, I love the side hug one arm thing don't you? <--facetiously I also get the lip avoidance when trying to plant a quick kiss. Or he bows his head down so I cannot reach his cheek. Ugh. So I stopped that.

If I feel the urge to give a quick kiss, I now just do it and don't have expectations of it being any different. Bleah.
The thing is he has always been such a hugger of women, friends, work colleagues and now...totally avoids his W."

That's good T2, that was a GOOD hug! I was so happy that when my H returned from Moscow Wed night, I got a half-real hug, just one arm, but up close to his body, and no pat pat. But then S28 got a huge bear hug AND kiss. Made me feel sort of crappy, you know? And stupid to be jealous of my own son.

Your W's hug, even if you had to request it, does show that she is warming up to you. She IS trying. That's a lot for a MLCer. That's all they can do, little bits at a time, baby steps.

I agree that W probably IS having a difficult time with her guilt over her past actions towards you and your kids. But I have come to firmly believe in keeping the road home smoothly paved and easy to navigate. That might mean different things to different people, but for me, if my H was to show signs of recommitting himself to our marriage, including resumption of physical affection and marital relations, I would NOT demand apologies for his EAs and PAs, but would try to gracefully let him off the hook. Is that what you would do?

[TSquared2]

Hi RL,

Lol, I had to laugh at your being jealous of your own son...I just had that trigger and feeling the day before yesterday when W was being very affectionate with S2...I guess it's because we see that yes, they DO have it in them, just not for us, yet. Raine helped me see that. Let me guess, this son was the "one" H "buddied up" with, or tried to? From what I have read, we LBS are the last in line, so I take it as good that they are making their way back.

My plan, as far as all this EA/PA stuff goes, is to look at this "as if" a new R with a new person. At our ages, any new person would most likely have been with someone else, and if they haven't, that just might be a big old red flag, ya know? Lol... So is leaving the past in the past giving them a pass? Maybe? Probably? I am not sure, but FOR ME, I just don't want to dwell on and live in that particular past. If and when issues come up and need addressing, then I want to deal with them then, in the mean time, just get working on creating new memories, new vibes, new ways of interacting healthily. I just don't see how dredging through all the negativity and issues all at once and such will help, especially with my W. She does negativity just fine all on her own, and she IS working on that with IC now, and herself. Newest book observed out in "her area"...Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, and also good old Peale...The Power of Positive Thinking. So, I DO see effort. That, and the IC, were things I explicitly stated were needed...and her self-chosen deadline to decide is long past. And she is still here, and trying. Those "little things" continue to show up....

I would give H a few weeks or so to recover, and process his little journey, guys do that....takes some time... keep those expectations at zero and see what happens...he does have a lot to process. Hang in there RL!

[RosaLinda]

Thanks, that helps. It's always good to hear a man's perspective T. I was feeling rather down because yesterday H was chatty and nice, today he is silent and walks away when I say anything. And closes any doors between us. I'm wondering if RT is putting pressure on him again. But I'll leave him to process, thanks.

Have a great weekend!

[MileHigh]

The talk about hugs makes me a bit sad. We do a lot of things together, but hugging is not one of them. No physical contact for so long I don't remember what it's like.... <sigh>

[Feenix]

MileHigh....I'm having one of those "days", too....

so here:

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I KNOW it's not at all the same thing, but just know that a kindred spirit is wishing you well today.

[Feenix]

RL and T2,

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels jealous of spouse giving others more affection in our home! In my case, it's the DOG! LOL.

H isn't very affectionate with our four kids, either, right now. And I feel so sad for them. But, he goes out of his way to pet the dog.

While she's laying there getting her belly rubbed, so cute and adorable, and he's talking to her and loving on her, I'm thinking, "Really?????" LOL!

[ForeverYoung]

The talk about hugs makes me a bit sad. We do a lot of things together, but hugging is not one of them. No physical contact for so long I don't remember what it's like.... <sigh>

Same here. But W will hug, kiss and baby talk our pet bunny! It doesn't make me jealous though... he's old and blind and deserves his hugs.

There was a brief period around BD that W didn't care much for any of our pets either. They're back in, but not me.

[TSquared2]

Interesting week last week.

Our best car got totaled while parked by a very high driver....NOT what I needed, we didn't need a car payment just as an older loan was finally about paid off....but it is what it is.

Got a new (to us) vehicle, after an interesting exchange...I did a mix of "executive decision" and listening, validating her input. I kept the cost, and loan payment very "nice", so we will still get a wee bit ahead as the old loan is finally paid off.

W really seemed touched or something when I just handed the key to her "as if" all is normal and okay. I said "here ya go babe"

W comes home, big smile and says "it's beautiful...". I just said "like its newest driver" and walked away back to my business in the garage...

I think it (and maybe me) might have gotten good reviews from her co-workers...that smile had a "approval of others" tinge about it, maybe, maybe not.

Her and the kids have always had the most reliable and safest vehicles our whole M, and that part of me isn't about to change. Ever.

Interesting that she has been both a bit closer, yet cycled to a bit of distance, man this "stage" is tough...I have had to talk myself down from saying "well, are you staying or going, this is getting old already?" a couple few times, lmao at myself...I do know better.

Anyway, just doing my "aloof, yet available" and "STFU" idiom, good thing I don't have to work at it too hard anymore...it's rather sticking to the new+old me. It was suggested to me to make that into a bumper sticker for MY vehicle, lol. Thinking about that seriously.