2.25 Years, Moving Forward

[adinva]

Hi acc! You are correct, it was only that line that got me going, and only in a "what a brat" kind of way. I think the ensuing messages here make it sound like i took more of an issue than i did. The rest i recognized as his anxiety over what he perceived as a need to have everything just so when he left.

Which, by the way, is a bit of a trigger for some hard feelings too. I leave for a week each year to run a huge meeting, and i always came home the past 5-10 years or so, to his complete indifference. The house would be spotless and everything shipshape and he would make it clear that i was not missed, that everything ran just fine without me, and all of my contributions to the household were meaningless to him. The last return b4 bomb date he flat out said he didnt miss me. We were never intimate again since b4 i left on that trip. If you've ever heard of a wife considering going on strike so her unappreciative h would really see what-all she did every day, well, you can see how flat that would fall if i had tried it! I felt worthless to him. Oh boy were we broken beyond repair.

So back to now, i see how hard he must work to project how much he doesnt need me around. It caused a great deal of anxiety getting everything into place. Notice though, how the things out of place are still my fault, my responsibility? Even when im not there i am the source of disorder and discomfort to him. Anyhow, thats a big tangent.

Bug, i got lost in your question. I wrote what i was thinking as our conversation transpired, but if you were asking what was on my mind around that time, it was (1) cant wait to get home and see my kids!! (2) i'm dog-tired and (3) cant wait to read the last few pages of the book i bought for the flight home. I bought The Perks of being a Wallflower, and got 95% of it read on the plane. Good escapism after being "on" 3 days. I love travel and love returning home so i was tiredbuthappy. But protective of my happy.

In the text msgs i was actively trying to recognize and take care of my needs, thus trying not to drop everything and jump to meet h's need in the moment (if its not on fire or bleeding it can wait 15 minutes till i get home, right?). I needed some serenity, and to get my bags and me home, and relax a bit knowing i was overtired. I was nice to him, and even said "awesome" .

He is tricky though. This was a little bratty but explainable, and so was the driving thing, and so was the infamous son's-crotch-grabbing, and most everything mean that he does. It's very easy to reframe it all as me being unreasonable. Abusers make you doubt your own judgment.

Thing is, he could be perfectly 100% justified saying things to me like u could have just answered the question. But i don't have to accept that myself! No one has to think i'm reasonable but me! I get to decide what i am ok with.

Someday if he misses me and would like to try again, there will be no tolerance for even a little explainable disrespect. I wouldnt accept it from a match.com date and i wont accept it from my future husband. I do feel bad that he stresses himself out, but i dont need to bear the brunt of his stress. Not my job, since he fired me!