Jerseybeachmama - I think having little ones puts an extra strain in the marriage. Some couples just can't cope very well with the stress. H doesn't cope well with any stress, for that matter, and I pretty much fell apart in the first year of S1's life.
Sometimes I wonder if one of the reasons H detached is because of this pregnancy, since he knows when a newborn is here, we could start that stressful interaction all over again.
Been reading "His needs, her needs" and have figured out that I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around in the past year or so. I complained a lot about my end of things and can see how that turned him off and made him feel powerless to make me happy. I'm not saying that he is perfect, but I can see how I could have contributed for him to go look for a more pleasant interaction (friendship) outside our marriage.
New goal: stop complaining
Never were more truer words spoken Preggo. These apply to my situation as well. My H felt helpless to help me through my depressive state and I was not pleasant at all. Even when I'm dead tired and feeling really down, I do not let on that I am feeling unpleasant.
You are a wise woman Preggo, you learn quick. You will make it through this.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Gabbysmom, I'm trying to be more pleasant and make his house more like his home. So far all we have done is fight and the colder I got, the more he ran, so I'm not sure which strategy would bring him closer. The fact that he asked to go to counseling yesterday and said he doesn't fully understand what he is doing and that a part of him still loves me leads me to believe that it's worse to keep pushing him away or be detached.
I could be very wrong, mind you. We will see what happens at counseling this week. And I may get tired of this soon. I know myself.
After he was done painting he kept complaining of a neck ache and I offered to give him a massage. I joked that this was a dangerous position for him to be in because I'm very tempted to ring his neck, and he said I should go ahead because he deserves it.
Journaling: I kept having nightmares all night last night. This whole situation is not good for me at all. A part of me just wants to run away. If I could, I would. If I had the financial means, if I didn't have children and wasn't about to give birth, H would have been history. I wouldn't put up with half go this for a second.
When we met I made six figures. I had a real life. I moved across the country for him, quit everything, had babies two years in a row and gig screwed. If H had done something like this a few years ago, I'd be absolutely fine by now, and I don't think he would have done anything like that when I had more power to get up and leave.
YOU really need to get hold of yourself! YOU are spinning out of control. Don't let resentment sip in. Save yourself. Detach now.
Take care of yourself and your son. Please.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
I understand it's tough and especially now in the time when you need the most support. Keep your concentration on your kids. they need your strength now more than ever.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The "secret" is to become the best person you can become, which means you will be happier in the long run, no matter what your w does. Truly believing that you are going to be fine, regardless, gives a confidence that many find attractive.
It's a paradox in a way.
Believe YOU are going to be FINE. Whatever H does or doesn't, do not affect you in any way. You still breathe. You are not going to stop living.
Believe me, no one can give you an answer to detachment. But please hold on to what 25yearsmlc has to say, it will take you somewhere better.
I'm not fully detached yet but i have forgiven myself. I realize that carrying that load around is slowing me down. This does not mean that i have forgotten my faults and flaws. I'm happier as a result.
I hope this helps.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Thank you all for shaking me back to reality. This is not who I am at all. I'm a much stronger person than this. Throughout my relationship with H, I have actually been the one with the level head while he was insecure and freaking out (maybe that's why this is so scary -- because I don't recognize him?)
I need to step back and find that person, and let her take over.
The baby still needs a few things. I need to wash the baby car seat cushion and baby clothes (since I'm having another boy, the clothes are hand me downs). I still need to put together his dresser and decorate his room, even if we eventually leave this house.
I haven't even put together a hospital bag. Even though I have a scheduled csection, my contractions are coming more frequently and are more painful, and being that I am 36 weeks, he could be home any time now.
I will try and focus on that for now. It's tough, but I will try.
