In and out of fog city

[Pudmuddle]

Well, 2nd, the good thing I can see out of this is that you are recognizing your own behaviors. That is the first step to changing them. You will do better next time.

Yes, since she did not respond at all wait a week. you can do it.

Remember, you didn't get to this place overnight, so it cannot be fixed overnight.

Be strong!

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thanks PM!!

This time I am going to try to stay strong by not making contact before next Thursday. I don't think it can hurt me to do this but I am not sure it will help. Hopefully w will contact me before then.

I understand the idea that pursuing pushes our wayward spouses further away. This is definitely true if we are begging, using logic, or reaching out relentlessly without response. These are the kind of things we LBSs naturally feel like doing and it typically backfires.

On the other hand I have seen some have success by letting their WAS know that they intend stand up for the marriage and be there for the WAS in their time of need. But how to do this in my situation is not really clear to me.

For the past couple of months my w and I have been enjoying each other's company I have reached out to her about the same amount she has reached out to me.

Hopefully my w's actions will dictate to me what I should do. In the mean time I will come here for emotional support.

[Pudmuddle]

I totally agree with you 2nd. Not all sitch's are the same and you have to apply DB when you can.

It's really all about the timing. When you see positive things, you know you can try a little more. If it backfires, pull back.

DB is not just about detaching, but applying positive steps too when you see the chance.

You sound more positive today, and I think you are on the right track with your situation.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Happy new week

No contact from w since we hung out last Tuesday. I sent the "random experience from my day" text on Thursday, got no response, and have not reached out since. I spent the weekend with friends.

W initiated the dark period and I am just letting it continue. I wonder how long it will last.

[JayMan]

My W does this as well; and the dark period usually ends with her reaching out unexpectedly. So stick with it - you've had some positive connections, and sometimes the baby steps are excruciating, but hang in there.

Someone once said - imagine being in a car wreck where you had to re-learn to walk. You've walked your whole life so imagine how frustrating it would be to try to tell your legs to do what you KNOW they can do. But instead you have to try to get 1" of pure agony. You feel like giving up, but the next time maybe you get 2". A couple weeks later, maybe you take two full steps. But you can't get your legs to do what you want, unless you're patient, only push them to do what they can do, and when they need a break, let them go.

Now trade your W for your legs.

[NoMoreMistakes]

I like that analogy JonF. Seems pretty appropriate.

[Pudmuddle]

You can do it 2nd! Make her miss you!

Nice analogy JonF.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

So I got a text from w out of the blue. We had both gotten a professional license related to a business that we were starting together that never worked out. It is related to, but unneaded for her current job.

Her: do we need to take (license) refresher courses to maintain our licenses before expiration next year?

I did not respond. The answer is yes, but she could find out without asking me.

I could respond "yes". Or not respond. Thoughts?

[JayMan]

Let her find out.

My W texted me this AM asking for a copy of her car insurance. She can call the insurance company and get it, and she knows it, so I didn't respond.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Thanks Jon.

I'm still thinking about this, and won't respond before tomorrow. To even be thinking about how to respond to a single text probably makes me to attached to the situation.

I don't want to be too available, but I don't want to be a jerk either.

All input is appreciated.