I had a horrific childhood. Most every day was wrought with unimaginable pain and sorrow, sadness and anger.
I survived mostly because I had to take care of my sister.
I have a neuromuscular disease that is degenerative and progressive. I had two miscarriages. My beloved sister buried two babies. My only child has my disease, which has manifested itself worse in him, along with other serious health issues.
One of my brothers ran away from home and never came back. The other is an alcoholic like my mother. Both of my parents are gone a long time.
My sister uses a walker and has lost all her hair.
My xh had an affair. Left me to pay half of a $60,000 debt I knew nothing about. My house is upside down in worth. I cannot sell it. I still owe my lawyer thousands of dollars for a divorce I didnt want. And because I cannot meet my bills, owe a lot of money. My xh invaded most of our retirement funds. And he lied about having a job until after the divorce.
He moved 5 hours away from his only child and will not help with his medical bills. I have a job without benefits and have been unable to find one that offers them. Until recently I worked three jobs but it got to be too much on my legs so I am down to two. Both do not offer benefits.
I am sharing all this because I want you to know my mindset. When all this happened with my marriage, I was depressed for a long time.
Until one day, I started thinking. I looked at myself and thought, I am not living.
Is that what I wanted to show my son? Is that what I wanted for myself?
I mean, feeling like that was certainly understandable. But, it wasnt working for me anymore.
I wanted more for my life. I wanted to show my son that life is hard, but, you can get through it all.
I still have some days when it all gets to me. I wouldnt be human if I didnt.
But, I choose every day to find a reason to laugh. Great, big belly laughs. I find a reason to feel blessed, a reason to appreciate what life has to offer.
Because all that stuff in my life that isnt good, is going to be there either way. I can add to the misery or find a way around it. I can let it get to me or rise above it.
I know that if I allow it to change me. If I allow it to beat me, I lose me. And that is not an option. Either is quitting.
No one knows what the future holds. I can live in the past. I can feel sorry for myself. I can blame other people.
But that gives the power to someone else, something else.
And I am unwilling to do that. I get to choose my life, my heart, my thoughts, my happiness. And each and every time, I choose me.
I get that you are sad. I get that you are angry. I get that you dont see yourself ever being happy again.
But, Nero, you just have to choose something different. It isnt easy. Trust me on that one. It isnt. But, oh, the rewards.
You will get there in your own time, my friend.
I am no wiser, no more upbeat or in control than anyone else.
I am just me. Living in my life. Doing the best I can, in the best way I know how.
And hoping and praying for the best. But accepting whatever I get.
Its all about perspective. Its about plan b or c or d. Its about seizing the day and doing your best and reaching out. Its about knowing, without a single doubt, that you will be ok.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I am living in denial. Who knows? I just know that I aint ready to lay down. I am not ready to give up. And I know that there is a great big old world out there. So, it better look out. LOL!
