Struggling!

[Accuray]

I'm not interested in changing property, inheritance, in-laws, step kids, houses, and leaving my current family responsibilities JUST so I can have good sex a few hours a week. That's really silly.

It's not silly at all if sex is very important to you, which it seems to be.

From my perspective, we all have "deal breakers" when it comes to marriage. I think of it like a pyramid, there is a small set of things at the top that are extremely important to you, and if that falls apart, "being married" is no longer worth it, because you will be tortured and struggle to maintain your integrity. It could include religious beliefs, handling money, sobriety, parenting, sex, etc. Everyone's list is going to be different, they are like core principles. The next level down the pyramid are going to be chronic annoyances if they are out of sync, but not deal breakers, and then further down are the things that are just quickly forgotten.

If your spouse changes their behavior and violates your deal breakers, you've got to deal with that or leave. I think DB is about helping you deal with those issues such that they are resolved. Often your needs are unmet because your spouse's needs are not met, or you get into mutually destructive cycles of interaction.

For some people, sexual incompatibility is going to be below the deal breaker line, for others it will be in the deal breaker category.

If sex is on someone's "deal breaker" list, that doesn't make them silly.

And if that person loses her libido, I should switch this all over yet again. That's absurd.

It's not absurd at all if you enter into a new relationship with the mutual understanding that having sex is very important to you. If you enter into a relationship with that understanding, and your new spouse fails to deliver, then it is not absurd to switch it all over again.

If financial stability was very important to you, and you married someone who was very financially responsible, but then later became a completely irresponsible spender, it would not be absurd to leave them if they refused to change their behavior. They would be openly disrespecting a value that you hold dear. They could argue all day long that your attitudes about money are not the "right" ones, and that their attitudes were just as valid, and they would be "right" in the abstract, but not right in the context of the marriage. I see this dynamic as the same as a marriage that starts out with sex and becomes sexless.

If my wife told me she would never have sex with me again, and I knew she was serious and would not entertain discussion, I would leave immediately, I wouldn't even have to think about it. I would not live my life that way, and I don't feel "silly" or "absurd" for taking that position. My wife knows that's how I feel, she knows what the stakes are and where my boundary line is drawn.

Your strong reaction to it, calling it "silly" and "absurd" is interesting - why do you think you react so strongly?

I have enjoyed posting with you, and I have intentionally been provocative, I hope I'm not annoying you, I'm trying to push.

My premise is this -- if you were at all "okay" with this, or at peace with it, you would not be here. The way you write implies that sex is in your deal breaker category, but you are trying to convince yourself otherwise, and that's what bothers me.

If it's a deal breaker for you, embrace that. Otherwise you're kidding yourself and living in a prison of your own construction.

Some people are high desire, there's nothing wrong with that.

Some people are low desire, there's nothing wrong with that.

Some people have marriages with desire gaps, but the desire gap doesn't bother either party, they've made peace with it. There's nothing wrong with that. That does not seem to be your situation.

Some people have marriages where the desire gap DOES bother the HD partner, in fact it tortures them. That seems to be where you are.

Sometimes LD is due to factors that can be addressed and sexual desire can be heightened. To pursue that path requires motivation, and there are no guarantees.

Sometimes LD cannot be addressed, no matter what you do. That is just the person's sexuality and can't be changed.

My opinion, in the spirit of Divorce Busting, is that an LD partner *owes it* to the HD partner to investigate what can be done physically or psychologically to boost desire, assuming the marriage is otherwise good and the HD partner is delivering upon what the LD partner needs. It's simply balance and mutual respect to do so. It doesn't seem to be a reasonable attitude to tell your spouse that you don't care about their needs and are just going to do whatever you want.

It may not work, you may never get the sex life you want, but I would submit that seeing your spouse's consideration of your needs and *ongoing* commitment to your happiness will often be enough to deliver satisfaction and peace. If it is not, then I think you are doing your spouse a disservice by staying with them if you are not able to find peace and happiness.

If sex is important to you, and you get no sex, that can be torturous, it can make you ruminate, it can make you resentful. It can make you swallow a lot of anger and do a lot of pretending about your mental state.

If your spouse does not show consideration for your needs, and an ongoing commitment to your happiness, but instead presents you with a "too bad" attitude, while at the same time taking everything you have to offer, I think it's silly and absurd to stay with them. Instead, you should change property, inheritance, in-laws, step kids, and houses so that you can be the person you are, and exist in a state of peace and fulfillment. Your spouse can always decide to step up before it comes to that if they choose to. And if they don't? Good riddance.