If you mean where I said: "If W invites for coffee, etc, but there's no commitment to marriage is it useless? Is it the rule of accept some, but not all? I sorta feel like it's giving her cake and letting her eat it too. She gets to be buddies with me, and kids get to hang, so its like "Divorce ain't so bad!"
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^^^Mindreading, it never helps. What do you want to do and can you do it without expectation? That's the question, see how it focuses on you, not her.
I don't want to do fake nice stuff. I don't want to be an hour a week dad. I don't think I can do it without expectation at this point, if I'm completely honest. However, regardless what I want, I know that right now time and space creates much more positive interactions. The problem is I'm only doing them in 3-4 day increments, and it's not enough. I THINK W misses me - again, we've never had a problem communicating as far as conversations, having fun. She even said the other day she likes me, and likes being with me. (Which to me is much more significant than fleeting lovey dovey junk) So, the dim, as has been suggested by many, needs to happen, and probably for at least several weeks. Considering my D has over two months before another conference, and the actual trial wouldn't start until Jan 7, I have a bit more of a luxury of time.
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And why would it be useless? How do you define useless in this context?
Useless as in, is being "friends" accomplishing anything other than cake-eating if a divorce is proceeding, and when W specifically says, "I'm being nice so we can be friends after the divorce, and the kids can be together, but I don't think we can be married." If she specifically isn't ready to work on the marriage, wouldn't it be wiser for me to stay out of the way? Or is any chance to have a positive PMA access worth taking, even if not every time?
If you can't be without expectation or at least lowered expectations then it is definitely wiser to stay out of the way.
Sorry, I should clarify - my expectations are VERY low as far as our relationship. This past weekend, my W invited me over for coffee and we talked for 2 hours. Last night, she joked with me, flirted with me, watched TV with me lying on her lap, even kissed me. That's WAY WAY beyond my expectations; I'd have been happy with just the coffee and chat. I'm VERY ok with things going slow.
However, my expectations from a moral, spiritual, and personal standpoint are that divorce is wrong, and W should dismiss it. It's almost impossible for me to jive the actions above with a divorce being in process, and that's where my expectations really trip me up and drive me crazy.
I'm talking about your expectation that if she's nice to you that means she's moving toward you. The expectation that if you do something nice for her, she will then be nice to you. The expectation that if you act a certain way it will draw you closer.
There's a 12-Step saying, Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.
Let go of those expectations.
Your views on marriage seem more like a value but it would be an expectation if you thought W should share that value. She might, she might not but we can't expect others to be just like us.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
@labug - after this weekend, that's an easy change for me on those expectations. After hugging and kissing, and seeing her not change, I think I can safely say that the "niceness" expectation is done.
@Jersey - Amen. I'm seriously setting my goals at a month. My previous success rate was 5 days.
P.S. I went up to my new October calendar and I put a big fat happy check mark on 10/7, because it's 8:45 EST and I'm about ready for bed, honestly, maybe a little wore out from the flu last week. That checkmark isn't as cool as some of our stickers we've talked about, but it represents day 1 of going extra dim.
Its so weird that going dim actually is a little bit of a relief now when it was so hard initially. Now, I'm sort of happy there won't be any drama for awhile.
W texted me yesterday asking about an insurance card for her car, and I initially wasn't going to respond, but labug told someone else it was "jerkish" not to respond. . So, 25 hours later, I just sent one line letting her know she could call insurance company. No response, which is good.
Just not worrying about feelings right now, staying focused on a week of dark as an initial self checkpoint and nothing else. I'm gonna make myself some accomplishment goals around the house and such, need to get moving.
My favorite part is this - because it's where I'm JUST starting to get to. Not there yet, but I see it tiptoeing around the corner:
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It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
