If the MC is not solution based on how to survive an affair, I am concerned he/she may do more harm than good. IMHO, for the two of you to meet together in the session to talk about the problems in the R may not accomplish anything but further resentment toward each other. Both of you need guidance as what to do to go forward.....but perhaps it should be separate sessions. She needs a professional who will outline the steps necessary for her to get be able to end her emotional side of the A and be faithful to you. She needs to know what to expect in the weeks ahead, as she will face withdrawals from the A and then depression. And you need to know what you should & shouldn't be doing during her period of withdrawing from the addiction of the A.

You will want to help her, but it's like trying to help another person with their own addiction....drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, etc. Have you researched how an affair affects the brain? It's amazing.

The withdrawal will be a tough time. You can't help her through it. In fact, there isn't a lot you can do as far as reconciling or piecing the MR back together until she gets through that withdrawal period. However, you can make a 100% effort into not doing things that you already know pi$$es her off. That should go without saying. But as to expecting to gain a lot of ground right away, I don't believe you can....until she makes that withdrawal journey.

I hope what I've said does not confuse you. B/c you continue to focus on being the best man you know how. Doing that much should keep you pretty busy. wink By the time she gets OM out of her system, you will have your self-improvement patterns down pat.

Until she gets through the withdrawals, she won't be very logical. Her emotions sure won't be stable. She may change her mind several times a day. When depression hits, she may go zombie on you.

It will be a hard test for you b/c you may experience a few good days and your hopes will rise, then without apparent reason, she will seem cold/distant. You will need to work at being the stable/strong one. You don't need to over-kill in your attempts at being a better H. At first, everything you may try could seem to hit her the wrong way. That's why we remind you that it is an addiction withdrawal that only she can whip.

I am very concerned about her continuing to work at the same location as OM. She may not be able to withdraw from the A. As with any other addiction, you have to go without it first. Every time she sees the OM, it will be like taking another drink or inhaling another cigarette. The best thing she could do for the M is to find employment elsewhere, b/c each time she has contact with OM will be like yanking her back to square one.

Another issue for the one who has had the A is if/when those feelings stay stirred up through contact from the OP, it can be misunderstood as "true love". Being uninformed of how it all works, a person in an A can think that since they continue to experience feelings for the OP....then it surely means they are soul mates and are meant to be together. That is why I said she needs guidance as to what to expect and what plan of action to take. However, as the H.....I doubt you are the one to advise her. Even a friend who has experienced this....and saved the M, may be able to give her mature council.

I agree that you can't push with suggestions (or what you may see as encouragement) for her to seek help, but neither does she need to let much time get by before taking some plan of action to protect the M from this OM/A. You really are in a critical spot! She won't even see OM as being an enemy to the MR and may think he's a great guy and the more you say....the more you look like the bad guy. See what I mean? That's why she needs an outside source to help her, and why you can't be the one to do it.

Have I confused you about any of what I've said?

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!