Confused about detaching!!!

[PatientMan]

Pudmuddle,

That is what I decided, too.

Since I wrote that post this morning, he has texted a few more times acting all nice, like nothing is going on.

So, I'm just going to keep myself busy at work and ignore him for now. He is ALL OVER the place today!!!

First, he tried to just lie about it all. Then, when he realized I'm not stupid...when he rememberd that I got the email he sent everyone else, then he just got very, very angry and mad.

He started finding all kinds of reasons to be mad at me and how everything has been my fault, blah, blah, blah. He kept saying I was irrational and crazy. So, I nicely excused myself from the conversation.

His mood swings are really something. I was always blaming myself....but it's becoming more apparent that his moods often have NOTHING to do with me. Makes it easier to just get out of the way...and let him do his thing.

Good.

I was just reading through the last 20 or 30 posts to make sure I was caught up with your sitch and was thinking to myself, "She needs to get off of his roller coaster, because she is on it BAAAAAAAD."

I know this is difficult, but keep detaching. Expect the unexpected. Stay cool, calm, and collected at all times. Do what I told you to do over a month ago:

Angela,

Pick who YOU want to be and just be that person. Disregard what your H says because, as you have experienced, he will find any reason he can conjure up to harbor ill feelings towards you...including when you do exactly as he asks.

Be who you want to be. He'll figure out it has nothing to do with him when you keep that up over time, but there's no getting around the work you have to put in to get there.

All the best,

-PM

You said last week that the "good stuff" made you nervous. It should. Believing none of what they say doesn't just mean the bad stuff, it means the good stuff too. You have to detach and get off the roller coaster.

Keep working! You can do it!

-PM

[Feenix]

PM,

WOW! I now remember you writing that to me....and I didn't learn very much over this past month, did I???

I would be so much better off right now if I'd followed your advice better to begin with.

So, now that I've had a month where I'm right back where I started....guess I'll begin on that "hard work" you talked about. I'm not sure where to start. How do you figure out who you want to be? Feels like I've been "lost" for awhile now.

Seriously, though, thanks for the 2X4!!!! I needed it!!!

[Feenix]

I had a colleague today ask me if "all this heartache is really worth it?"

And, I know today is a BAD day to try to sort that out....BUT.

But, is it???? Is it worth how sad I am all the time? It is worth knowing he is lying to me about everything and I feel like a doormat?

Is it worth it when I can't seem to pull myself up enough to GAL and have a PMA? I just want to go home after work and get in bed and cry. Where am I supposed to have the strength to GAL?

All of my family and his family and all of our friends and coworkers keep asking me if it's worth it. They keep telling to get out of this M...."you deserve better", etc.

Most days, I am strong in my conviction to stand for my marriage...for my H. But, today, I am so conflicted.

And, most importantly, what about my four precious children? When is it time for me to let go for them?

I'm just venting...and rambling. It's been a whopper of a day.

[Accuray]

But, is it???? Is it worth how sad I am all the time? It is worth knowing he is lying to me about everything and I feel like a doormat?

Only you can say if it's worth it.

Leaving won't make you less sad.

Leaving will introduce different sources of pain and sadness.

Time will heal on either course.

It's a very personal decision. Here's how I looked at it if this helps:

There were things about *me* that I understood contributed to hurting my marriage. My priority was to address those things first, with the assumption that if they hurt this relationship, chances were good they would hurt *any* relationship I might get into in the future, so I better address them.

Once I felt I had 180'd those, I wanted to provide sufficient time for my changes to have an impact. You can't undo years of degradation with a few weeks of improvement. It takes time and consistency.

At the point I felt I was a spouse that only a fool would leave, *and* I had given enough time for those changes to become real and believable, at that point W better start meeting me in the middle and I better see a path to a better marriage.

At that point, if I didn't see that W would start contributing as well, then it would be no longer worth it, but I would leave from a position of strength, knowing that I had done the work on myself, I had done all I could do to save the marriage, and that going forward I would be a person only a fool would leave.

Hope that helps.

Acc

[PatientMan]

I am sorry you are having a tough day.

What are you going to do for the rest of the evening?

-PM

[Pudmuddle]

Nice perspective Accuray. I like that. A good plan to remember when feeling lower than low. And we will cycle up and down just like spouse's do.

[Feenix]

Accuray, that was very insightful. And really puts things in perspective for me. I know that I have NOT done all the work that I need to on myself. I've got a lot of work to do, actually.

Like I already told PM... I haven't worked on being a better me yet, as much as I need to. The changes I've been making have been for HIM...not for me.

Thank you!

And PM, I KNOW I should get out and GAL. My oldest son has band until eight... and the other three have homework. Not sure what I can squeeze in there.

Thank you all for guiding me today. I'm spinning and spinning.

[PatientMan]

And PM, I KNOW I should get out and GAL. My oldest son has band until eight... and the other three have homework. Not sure what I can squeeze in there.

I was just curious...not hinting you should or shouldn't be doing anything. I know how busy school-nights can be.

-PM

[Feenix]

What have you all said to family who just won't butt out? To family who keeps encouraging divorce? My sister sent me a long email late last night explaining why I deserve better and why I need to divorce. I don't want to hurt my relationship with her. She's my best friend! But, her email was hurtful...not helpful...and makes it clear that she isn't "getting" why I'm standing. Thoughts?

(Also, I have an UPDATE on my sitch from yesterday....had a really good evening...will post that in a sec.)

[sayitaintso]

I had a colleague today ask me if "all this heartache is really worth it?"

And, I know today is a BAD day to try to sort that out....BUT.

But, is it???? Is it worth how sad I am all the time? It is worth knowing he is lying to me about everything and I feel like a doormat?

Is it worth it when I can't seem to pull myself up enough to GAL and have a PMA? I just want to go home after work and get in bed and cry. Where am I supposed to have the strength to GAL?

All of my family and his family and all of our friends and coworkers keep asking me if it's worth it. They keep telling to get out of this M...."you deserve better", etc.

Most days, I am strong in my conviction to stand for my marriage...for my H. But, today, I am so conflicted.

And, most importantly, what about my four precious children? When is it time for me to let go for them?

I'm just venting...and rambling. It's been a whopper of a day.

Hey Angela- I get this ^^^^ and I'm sorry its a tough time for you.

Like Acc said, only you know when you have had enough and what that looks like to you.

I know for me that I wanted to be able to look my 3 sons in their eyes when they are older and let them know that I did everything within my power to try to keep our family intact.

I wanted to show them that no matter what life throws at you or how hard you get knocked down that you can stand for what you believe in with honor and integrity.

They were my motivation.

I have dealt with the pressure from family and friends as well. They simply don't have a clue what it is to have your family seemingly blown up and the planet pulled from under you.

They want you to not be in pain.

Letting go and moving forward does not mean giving up.

Best