Bug, you asked what was I thinking when he first texted me about the money, so I thought I'd answer that. It's fun to have some dialog here and get feedback.
So, I texted H "Just landed, home soon" and proceeded with my two rolling bags through the airport to the taxi stand and into the taxi and giving the taxi directions while following ensued...
He replied: "S13 does not know where his uniform is." Then H wrote: "How much $ did u leave on the table. I never saw it and its gone. S15 and S13 did not see it either. The check for the maids is still on the dog cage." What I thought was [heavy sigh], that was a lot of money and maybe it got stolen, an unpleasant thing to deal with coming home tired, and there will be lots of yelling and accusations and I don't want to deal with it when I want to be welcomed home by my family instead. That's what I was thinking.
I wrote: "Uniform where left last Thurs?" And then: "I didn't do anything with it. Could go in regular clothes?" [now I'm thinking why is he bothering me with this because he has gone to scouts in regular clothes lots of times and I haven't been there in 3 days so I have no idea where he put it. And I'm thinking, calm down, happy thoughts, don't let this spoil coming home, it's not a big deal.] And then: "I can't do anything about the $ now." [meaning, if it's gone it's gone and if it's there it's there and nothing important is going to change during my taxi ride home.]
H wrote: "U can answer the question." [I turn the ringer off my cell phone] Then H wrote: "S13 found uniform in van." [I still hear it vibrating] Then he wrote: "How much money was left on the table?" [I realize he's just going to get more and more pissy unless I answer the question]
I wrote: "I left two work envelopes on kitchen table each with a $20. Each i wrote kid's name and 'for snacks, love mom' on the outside. I do not want to walk in after 3 days to be faced with a problem ok"
He wrote "OK" Then "With that information I was able to find the money." [I'm thinking, with that information *I* was able to find the money too, after I got home, why is he even involved in this?]
I wrote "Awesome." [thinking, ahhhh, happy we did not have $40 stolen.]
He wrote "All you had to do was answer the question." [I turned my phone off and spent 30 seconds trying to get my brain to stop calling him a jerk.]
I expected to find him there when I got home but no one was there. The two envelopes were set on the kitchen table.
Communicating with him just seems so hard. It's like, I don't even have a chance to be wonderful, understanding, and compassionate like I feel about him when I'm NOT interacting with him. He absolutely is not this big of a jerk to outsiders, but he is to me and to the kids. Not to the kids when they were young but about when they hit schoolage.
My IC is nudging me to hit this head-on with him and tell him when he's being inappropriate and intrusive, because she says it will get worse. I feel like with more distance he can be however he feels like being and I won't care.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
JP I totally get that being hypercritical is tied to low self esteem. I learned this from my mother. I noticed it in my H and submitted myself to much deriding and belittling in order not to make my H feel worse because clearly although he was handsome and smart and successful,
people who are happy in themselves hold their loved ones up.
they do not tear them down.
I felt bad for him, and I felt so strong that I could take it and be fine. But I wasn't fine. And even if I was fine, I deserved better. And his inability to get help looks like selfishness to me now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I mean, my mother was hypercritical too. It became obvious to me that if she was so concerned about what my hair looked like, it must be because she felt like someone might be judging her based on her daughter's hair, and that bad feeling to her was more important than the bad feeling she was giving me about myself.
So I became oppositional-defiant and threw all her and my dad's input out the window whether it had merit or not.
Worked for me as a teenager but didn't do much good when I applied the same technique to my marriage.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
JP I totally get that being hypercritical is tied to low self esteem. I learned this from my mother. I noticed it in my H and submitted myself to much deriding and belittling in order not to make my H feel worse because clearly although he was handsome and smart and successful,
people who are happy in themselves hold their loved ones up.
they do not tear them down.
I felt bad for him, and I felt so strong that I could take it and be fine. But I wasn't fine. And even if I was fine, I deserved better. And his inability to get help looks like selfishness to me now.
My W to a "T"
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I mean, my mother was hypercritical too. It became obvious to me that if she was so concerned about what my hair looked like, it must be because she felt like someone might be judging her based on her daughter's hair, and that bad feeling to her was more important than the bad feeling she was giving me about myself.
So I became oppositional-defiant and threw all her and my dad's input out the window whether it had merit or not.
Worked for me as a teenager but didn't do much good when I applied the same technique to my marriage.
You found in your H what your mother gave to you. I'm glad you are seeing the truth now, your better than what you were shown.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Whenever she wants to say something to me, she has a full conversation in her head prior to her actually talking to me. She plays out all of my normal responses and at times, she has decided to not say anything as she has talked herself into what I would say/react, so why bother.
So now it is very hard for her to not do that and give me the benefit communicating more healthy. I don't blame her!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
My IC is nudging me to hit this head-on with him and tell him when he's being inappropriate and intrusive, because she says it will get worse. I feel like with more distance he can be however he feels like being and I won't care.
"Is there a particular reason you often treat me in a rude and disrespectful manner? I cannot think of anything that I've done that warrants being treated this way on such a consistent basis, but - if I have - please tell me so that I may apologize and stop whatever I am doing if I am still doing it...I just can't think of anything."
I have found that the typical bullies, jerks, and people who get away with rude behavior spend a lifetime of never getting called out on it. When they do get called out on it, they typically have no idea what to do in that situation and turn to mush.
It's best done with no one else around so they have no desire to save face in front of onlookers. And make sure you look him square in the eye when you say it.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
PM - I love how well you articulate yourself, you too for that matter Bustingout. Oh He11 Adinva you too!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Blame would do no good. But hope would. She needs to learn and practice new skills.
My first 6 or 8 months in these forumscare full of me reading books and learning better commnication strategies and why my way wasnt effective or healthy. Then i'd get assigned a conversation to broach with H, i'd try it, and report here how i did. Biggest challenge was getting past my own fear. I got more confident and practiced more.
Hope that h might be interested in trying from his side too, would have been nice, but he spent all that time and more, trying to make sure i had no hope or expectation that we'd be able to work things out. He saw me changing but was not interested. I worked and practiced anyway because i didnt want to be someone who was literally afraid to speak up to my spouse. People who know me would be very surprised what effect my h had on me. I needed to fix that.
Your w might benefit from ic and reading to develop better skills. Forcing yourself to handle poor treatment is not healthy or good for either of you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
