Sorry, I don't have an answer for you on that one, because I constantly think the same thing myself. What I keep coming up with is that he is in crisis right now. Still, it can be quite a shock to yourself, to go through all of these things, so different from how things used to be.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I believe I just had a strange moment of clarity about the whole thing. It goes something like this:
There's no place to be angry with the MLCer b/c this is really just a stage of life for them that they were going to go through no matter what. They're not doing this on purpose to be vengeful even though we're often taking it this way. We need to have complete compassion for them no matter how difficult it is b/c they're actually teaching us about ourselves and how much we were overly dependent upon them pre-BD. Our dependence (even if it's a mis-perception on their part) burned them out and for whatever reason gave them this strong urge to run from us. The only way for us to really heal is to completely let go of the past over and over again and to start each day as a new beginning. This is the only way to true forgiveness and thus this is the only way reconciliation will ever be possible for our sitches. We need to prove that we won't hold any of this over their head when their journeys are finally complete.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
my Grasshopper, methinks you are finding the path...
Quote:
They're not doing this on purpose
Yes, EXACTLY...oh my, the W I've known for so long would not, could not, do this intentionally to ANYone, much less the kids, and maybe somewhere in there, me. Which leads to your next insight:
Quote:
Our dependence (even if it's a mis-perception on their part) burned them out and for whatever reason gave them this strong urge to run from us.
Very close to what W has said a few times...
Quote:
The only way for us to really heal is to completely let go of the past over and over again and to start each day as a new beginning. This is the only way to true forgiveness and thus this is the only way reconciliation will ever be possible for our sitches. We need to prove that we won't hold any of this over their head when their journeys are finally complete.
Somebody has been doing their homework Cadet assigned...
This is awesome to hear ETC...just f'n awesome!
You/We can be angry with them, BUT, we need to feel, and feel through that anger to get to compassion, because, as my W has said now, it, at the core, wasn't about me, especially now that I have done the work on me. How is your work on YOU going?
Eventually that "how can they do this to family, kids, me" gets filed under "dunno, but it happened, now wtf can we do to recover and move on with life, M or not-M?". I still occasionally have that thought, but 2+ years into this, I'm pretty much in the LBS "acceptance" stage...it's like being mad at the weather...doesn't really help change anything, so just go get an umbrella, or get wet. But I still get mad sometimes, but briefly.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T2, we're on the same wavelength. It actually feels pretty great to get to this point in our journey. You've been at this longer than me, so you're further along - I'm going on 8 months. Anyhow, I'm seeing that they MLCer has their tunnel and we have ours'. I'm seeing light at the end of my tunnel with or without W. Oddly, at this very moment I don't have a lot of anger toward her. I just want to hug her from a far out of compassion for her. I will sleep well tonight and I hope to keep my head in the same place during the D process. It will be an interesting road ahead.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
There's no place to be angry with the MLCer b/c this is really just a stage of life for them that they were going to go through no matter what. They're not doing this on purpose to be vengeful even though we're often taking it this way. We need to have complete compassion for them no matter how difficult it is b/c they're actually teaching us about ourselves and how much we were overly dependent upon them pre-BD. Our dependence (even if it's a mis-perception on their part) burned them out and for whatever reason gave them this strong urge to run from us. The only way for us to really heal is to completely let go of the past over and over again and to start each day as a new beginning. This is the only way to true forgiveness and thus this is the only way reconciliation will ever be possible for our sitches. We need to prove that we won't hold any of this over their head when their journeys are finally complete.
Wow, etc that is a great insight, and some great clarity on your part. So true in so many ways. I think a lot of us on here could relate to what you have written, and learn something from it. What you have stated about our previous dependence on them really struck a chord with me. Think of how far we have both come at this point, towards exerting our own independence, and how great that feels!! I am doing things now that I never would have imagined were possible. I find it really empowering! It helps to know we will be OK no matter what happens.
You have come so far on your journey and learned so much along the way, and you have had so much personal growth. Thanks for sharing! (sorry for being so sappy )
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
This is awesome to hear ETC...just f'n awesome!
Agree!!!
Originally Posted By: TSquared2
Eventually that "how can they do this to family, kids, me" gets filed under "dunno, but it happened, now wtf can we do to recover and move on with life, M or not-M?". I still occasionally have that thought, but 2+ years into this, I'm pretty much in the LBS "acceptance" stage...it's like being mad at the weather...doesn't really help change anything, so just go get an umbrella, or get wet. But I still get mad sometimes, but briefly.
I love what TSquared has wrote here.. eventually we have to get over that feeling of "woe is me", and just continue on our path.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Wow! Great stuff today about not being angry at the MLC'er, etc.
etc: I wish I was where you and T2 are mentally, right now! Good stuff!
I do have a question. What if your spouse doesn't think they are in a MLC? My husband just found out this week that I feel like he's in an MLC and he is FURIOUS with me. He thinks I'm trying to make him out to be a "bad" person, etc. which isn't AT ALL the way I feel. He is in complete denial about the MLC. We had a huge fight about it...and I'm just wondering, was there a time when your spouses denied the MLC? Or did they always know that's what they were going through?
What if your spouse doesn't think they are in a MLC? My husband just found out this week that I feel like he's in an MLC and he is FURIOUS with me.
Hi Angela,
The first week after BD, I told my W she was in MLC. I didn't know at the time that this was a BIG mistake. Like your H, she denied it. She also laughed and said I was the one in crises.
My suggestion is to do like I did. Never bring up MLC again. If, like my W did, H brings it up, you have to make it into a positive, which it truly can and should be when all is said and done. A time of growth.
This period is a grand awakening for them. A time to analyze their entire life, and make any changes they feel are necessary. Listen to him. Let him know you understand him. If necessary, let him know he is free to leave the M! I had to do this and guess what? W is still here in our house more than a year and a half later.
Taking the pressure OFF, helps reduce their urge to RUN.
Give him space, but be there for him if he needs you. I hope this helps!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
That really does help. I know that my basic instinct is to put pressure on him and to pursue and to try to "fix" things. I am trying very hard to work on this.
Everything you said makes sense. I have had a really bad week of backsliding on so many levels. So, time to start over on the "giving space" and chilling out.
As of late, very few interactions with W. I've been trying to get my finances in order - found a really cool app! I've been doing a bit of volunteer work. I went to church. Trying to keep up with friends about life outside of this.
Latest Q.. In my recent interactions with W, shes' very defensive. I sense she's starting to have trust issues with me b/c of the things our kids have said to her. She thinks I think she's a bad mom. One of my kids explained to me that W thinks I have all kinds of mental issues. What can I do to put her at ease that I'm not "out to get her"? I'm working with IC on my issues and signed up the fam for a group therapy. What else can I do? I haven't even spoke with a L since this whole thing began. It's like W is paranoid I'm going to destroy her which is so far from the truth. If anything, I'm focused on how to show her love even through the D process.
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
There needs to be a book written called "hwo to show your spouse love and compassion during D & how I may not be right all the time." There are far too many articles and books about why the other person is all to blame during a divorce. This should be a time to really look inside yourself and see how I contributed to the downfall of the M. It's too easy to look at the other person. We don't need any more help with that. Thoughts?
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
What I keep coming up with is that he is in crisis right now. Still, it can be quite a shock to yourself, to go through all of these things, so different from how things used to be.
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