2.25 Years, Moving Forward

[jp787]

Hi jp! I realize that after almost 25 years, my H thinks of me as an extension of himself, an unruly difficult to control one that is not as good as his actual self, but a possession nonetheless, so every move I make is judged and criticized. My parenting, my choice of activities, my performance of chosen activities, my driving, my cooking, all of it. I resent the heck out of it.
I really need to re-read all of your threads again. There is soooo much to learn from what you post as you are a lot like my W and I your H.

I am not condoning what your H does, but I do want to say this. For me I think the reason I was like that with my W, so judgmental and critical is out if my own lack of self-esteem and self-worth. I tore her down to make myself feel better, more important. Ya, it's a really bad thing. I was jealous, maybe more envious of how capable my W was and I fell short in so many ways.

At the bomb I went through this painful psychic tearing apart of me from him that I had never imagined. I couldn't imagine not being his wife, not being his partner, not being two halves of a whole. I learned how codependent I was, and how much we did function like only a half. I was the emotional half, and he did none of it, no connecting, no affection, it was my department. He was the intellectual half, although I'm a smart college educated person he did the big financial decisions and the bills and the man-of-the-house stuff and I relinquished those things and left them up to him.My W did the same thing and she was more than capable of managing those things, even better than I, but she felt that was what was right? So it was hard to imagine how I'd survive without him, and then I found db and I detached and I pulled myself up and am learning how to survive without him. Now I'm a whole instead of a half, and in future relationships I'll still be a whole instead of a half, and I'll expect my relationship partners to be that too.

So when my H comes in and treats me like a half again, I find it annoying. He says things to me that he would never say to a coworker or neighbor.

If he saw me preparing to plow down a pedestrian in my blind spot, I'd accept and be glad for a "watch out!" as would any neighbor or coworker. But a neighbor who he tells to "pull out carefully" is going to think he's an a$$ and consider spending time with other friends instead of him.

I've detached from him, and I think it's going to take a lot more time for him to realize that he's not responsible for my driving, my household air filters, my misplaced kid spending money, et cetera. If I look five years down the road, after I've bought him out of the house and after we're divorced, I'll be very surprised if he's still telling me to put my turn signal on. And if he is, I won't be inviting him into my car.

I think it's great that you're realizing her point of view is not yours and yours is not hers. That's hard to learn after many years of being enmeshed in a codependent relationship. I'm still learning too, so my first response even if it isn't verbalized is annoyance that I then have to work through. Getting better at it.

Yes the codependency is deep and sick with us, much to change. From what you write, you are more amazing than you could ever imagine and your H is insecure. Thanks again for your postings, wow do they hit home and help me.