NERO STILL FLOATING DOWNSTREAM

[uRworthy]

Hey Nero, hope you dont mind I brought this over here.

honestly it doesn't feel like "enough" to me. perhaps i'm spoiled from being the other half of a pair for my entire adult life- it sounds greedy to just want that to continue. it does happen to be more "fulfilling" feeling. i know EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE SAYS FIND HAPPINESS WITHIN. YEAH- i get it. BUT - there's also the living conditions of your life to be dealt with. it's more like that.

i could get used to an outhouse if i had no options- would i prefer it? i don't think so. i'd miss that darn bathroom for the rest of my life. I ALSO HATE COLD SHOWERS OR TEPID BATHS. COULD I exist with them, yeah. would i EVER EMBRACE IT- i DON'T THINK SO. it's like that for me i believe.

in life- i just miss having someone there in my home with me. . allllllllll everything aside- i'd rather have a companion in life AND INDOOR PLUMBING toboot.

will it EVER GO AWAY????? feeling like this- dull & just a bit not so happy in the background of my life all the time- idk. what the heck will happen- who knows.??

You know Nero, I understand what you are saying here. I really do. I have felt and sometimes still feel like that on occasion. Here's the thing. You can feel like that, but, it doesnt change what is happening right now. So, since all this is going to happen anyway, I think, at some point, when you are ready, you need to try to change your mindset a bit.

Because holding onto that, will keep you stuck. Is this the life I thought I was going to have? No. Is it what I would have picked? No. But it is the life I was given. So, I can either accept that this is how it is right now. And that is can change if I choose for it to change or I can continue to wish that things are not the way they are.

One gets you to live your life, the other stops you from it.

If this doesnt work out with your h, will you ever feel happy again? I believe you will. Your life may be different, but, different doesnt have to mean bad.

People do go on to lead happy lives after a divorce, an MLC, a death. They do.

I'm finding i still have one tiny kernel of faith inside that somehow whatever happens will be the right things and they will somehow become apparent and i will somehow do whatever it is that is "correct" and so on.i can't even believe i lived my life like this.

It worked for you and thats great. Nothing wrong with that. When it stops working, then you need to do something different, right?

i've had a great life- i suppose last few years aside , if i croaked today i wouldn't have any giant regrets or feel i've missed a heck of alot.

How lucky are you, to feel like that? ^^^^

All about perspective.

[nero]

hey hi-

yeah, i know about the peice of paper. he may feel like he's a single guy- idk what he can be thinking. (or doing)

we were/are a "marriage" - except i know it and he doesn't.

it's alllll such manufactured blame and crap- wonder if he'll ever see it that way - or shake it off. it makes me

he's such a doofis about this stuff- his emotional stuntation about his stinking mother & father. what a mess of a life - but hey, he's a big boy now and one would think capable of reasonable thought and responsible action. YOU'D THINK anyway...


what a mess in that brain of his. he doesn't know it or think it- . me, i'd say the inside of his head is like that plate of wet food stuff that accidentally falls on the icky old brown shag carpet- face down - lots of added hair & debris- you know- a sickening jumble.

i'm so tired tonite- those little kids are cute but a real killer - the constant interaction. give me even the middle school goons over these little guys. they wear me out. maybe if i ever spent enough time with them and got accustomed to it- it would make sense. feels like running in place - fast - all day. no time to digest & focus & get going in one direction - whew. i have immense respect for people who teach these little buggers.

ya have to be doing something every minute - while they're pecking you to death with questions and show ya and so on.

i feel in a giant jumble . wish i had something new and exciting to say. worked four days- so yay. worked several evenings with neice on her various papers due- reading the crucible- good for my brain i'd say.

not much else. i'm lots better at not being mad when im so tired i can't see straight. so much for maturity- but hey, it looks like maturity. and i'd (philosophically) always desire to be reasonable and calm. i just don't manage it sometimes.

my h manufactured alot of dpey , super minute wierd criticisms too - really low blows sometimes. i can't believe - he believed it all - or does believe it now. what idiots.

sorry- i do call names, just can't help it- what can i say???

at least i manage not to call him names (mostly).

i'm soooo pooped of being by self & bored. if i thought for one minute i was ready to find another man- i'd look - but then, i don't necessarily beliee in "man hunt" either. more the "will happen if it's meant to" . ya think???

so- me and the christian radio in the morning. weird huh? maybe God's tryn to tell me to get my butt to church. ya have to wnder.

ok i'm going to find something to eat and drink- stomach growling and i'm bored.

i'm not sure what the heck i want. i sure KNOW him better than anyone else alive and i never felt attracted or inspired to cheat - that much is sure , while with him.

it was my plan to grow old with him- i sure cannot stretch my brain to think how i'd find someone with the good stuff about him- but this cheating & lying is sure a big dose of bad stuff- and him thinking he's 19 again and a young happinen guy- will it end? idk- it'd hae to before i can figure it out. i reckon if he gets normal before i find someone else that seems wonderful. i'm not thinking it'll be likely or easy- but ya never know - i'd live with him til the end & get over it all. if i find something else better and more fun & love, etc. befor3e he outgrows his big fat mlc- i'd say i'll never see his face again. a crap shoot for him- do ya feel lucky punk? well, do ya???

gonna go have a ice coffee at normal sis - see ya later.
xxoo

[nero]

OKAY- OKAY-

all of you guys out there that read above and want to say - HEY NERO- QUIT THINKING AOBUT THIS GUY AND pondering the m.o. of "finding another great life - rite now" - and GET (the f) ON WITH IT.

HE DIDN'T ENTER MY BRAIN ALL DAY - I SWEAR IT- IT WAS JUST WHEN I SAT DOWN - was pooped and still for a moment - cam3e here - - HAD MY "FIX" MOANED AND then went to visit mom-zilla- sister whose even normal- walk w/ buddy- fall into bed and watch my stupid british shows & become comatose.

comparatively speaking a crap-sorta life, but hey- alive&sane & healthy- so glad to be here (alive) still- figure it will all come around to being "the rite thing happening at the rite time" in life- in general.

i swear- i'm getting on with it all- i'm tryin like mad anyway. pretty darn certain i'm doin my personal "best" with the life i'm given at the moment. not a big believer in flashy stuff & and anyone really having lives that are ALLLLLL SPARKLIE AND WONDERFUL ALLLLL THE TIME. (OR AT least, maybe i've HAD my portion of wonderful life and now i just get ho-hum life WITH a bit of good and a bit of bad sprinkled throughout - like everyone else alive) glad for NOTHING BAD going on at the moment.

GRATEFUL AS HELL FOR CALM AS A MATTER OF FACT. ABsence of drama and actual big giant dramas going on - is good with me.-

and i'm not 4even going to indulge in an over counter sleeping pill tonite- yeah, strict control ole me here. Heaven forbid i'd be come indulgent

heading out to flea-garage sale-around with a buddy momentarily.

i know- even woke up a few times in bed - know h is with ow- and didn't even really "picture" it all- or do anything other than tell self shut up and go back to sleep- watch the stupid show- crash , snooooooore.

idk-

[uRworthy]

Nero, we all get to where we are supposed when we do. No right or wrong way. Just our own way.

This is tough stuff. Add in family drama and it can make a person crazy.

You are doing wonderfully. And there is nothing wrong with thinking that the right things will happen as they should. Thats what I believe, anyway.

Your life is far from over, so, you never know what the future holds. I think there is plenty more "wonderful life" for you ahead.

Wish I was going to the flea markets with you. Love that stuff. Enjoy!

[albamarie]

The first part of healing is knowing what kind of person you want to be and that acknowledgement is the first step towards becoming a better person.

Hi Nero,

I read this by Mr. Bond. I don't know where he posts so I just thought I would share it here, with you! It really seems to be where we are headed. We are trying, we know what kinda person we want to be, we just have to keep working on how to be that person without our H's.

We're not trying to be different people, but a version of ourselves that can move forward and be secure that we don't have H's anymore, at least for now. You and I have the luxury of still having the $$$ loyalty, and that's so important. It gives us the time we need to piddle around and eventually make our own way.

I was sad to hear you where depressed the next morning of our visit, we were only down the street until the next mid morning. Let's do that again...we all have so much to offer each other, why do this alone!

I'm showing off pics of your garden to a friend, she said it looks like the movie, a secret garden! It was great! See, I can't do that, you will have to teach me!

Have a great weekend!

Ooooxxx dm

[RosaLinda]

"i know- even woke up a few times in bed - know h is with ow- and didn't even really "picture" it all- or do anything other than tell self shut up and go back to sleep- watch the stupid show- crash , snooooooore."

That's GOOD Nero! I have too easy a time of imagining all kinds of crazy romantic wonderful moments between my H and the Tramp. I am trying to visualize GOOD calming things instead, but it's sort of hard. A tree with its leaves all turned to blazing fall colors. A roast beef dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy. Also trying to visualize things I want to occur -- a kiss, a hug, ummmmmm!

What did you buy at the flea market?

[nero]

hey hi-

sorry i didn't call back yesterday- no kidding, i was busy every single minute (ending up with mom stuck in the tub around 7 or so - thank goodness i went back over on my walk to check- she was yelling" hey - somebody get me out of this damn tub". what a goober.\\

she's always got to "prove" she's tough and can do everything. sometimes it's a good thing- sometimes i want to clock her. how dumb- home alone (after a person there alllll day) and she decides to get in a tub. BET SHE'D remember that if i hadn't showed up and she sat in the tub for 10 or so hours. burrrrr......

oh man...

anyway- estate saled around to several towns; picked colored leaves for our tables; talked to a fl buddy for a bit - visited mom- - walked - hoisted mom out of the drink- (ahoy matey- thar she blows) no kidding- what a freak show - trying to lift your your ancient wrinklie old mother out of a tub (a real bird-bath too- not even deep). my ribs hurt this morning- i thought it was the cold, probably the lift. cripes - getting old $ucks.)

anyway- busy til i dropped into bed. the mental images to getyou off the bad thought trail - - it's the knowledge that's bad. i'm not so good at visualizing a beautiful beach or garden or all the tricks people say to do.

just can't bring up that lovely scene when i'm in a funk- idk. had a horrible headcold begin last evening- stuffed as can be - just kept waking up and blowing nose a million times all nite long- woo hoo.

oh well= sorry - nothing at all useful to say- tho the roast beef with mashed potatos sounds good.

SO WHAT THe heck i'm supposed to really be doing here idk- i'm getting off and finding some more coffee-

xxo

[nero]

okay universe -

new policy statement here. i'm laying in bed - need sleep- sick as a dog & hurt allover-

and i'm thinking about me and my continual apologies & quandries about all this mlc, life direction, crappola & etc.

it occurs to me- i'm just standing here- being who i am- maybe i am a lighthouse in life. BUT it's not because of any particular boat i'm trying to attract. i just stnad here- being who i am, what i am, whoever roams up needing someting - if i can help - if i've got "it", you're welcome to it- it's just what i do. i don't in particular expect to "get"anything for it- or out of it, other than knowing if some poos schnook turns up needing something that i can provide - WHY NOT??? I'M ASKIN YA.

i'm thinking about my sister & h & mom and the "ploys" to blame everyone else- go spinning off in anger and alllll justified-

phooey -

that's WHO THEY ARE> I have a very bad feeling that i will continue to just stand here- being who and what i am til i fall off my twig - or something makes me go in some other direction - or the rocks crumble under my feet while i'm standing.

i'd like a "rock" in my own life- i don't think i have one (any more). that's all- bummer.

it's lonely here with all this water around me and seems the worse things feel - the fewer people around. idk - - - - i honestly do not think there is a "fix" of any sort. we all just are who we are- no use trying to be someone else- have strategy, etc.

maybe we/I just have to stand here being me- for better or worse- and that is that.

i am more patient - and God knows i'm enduring and employing new mentality of one day at a time, and "now is all we have" - aside from tat??? i don't see myself becoming more confrontational - or more slash & burn action oriented - or more anything/anyone but me.

better go back to bed- if this all sounds truly dopey & half-baked, then i'm blaming it on the cold and saying i was delerious - so don't even try ...

xxoo gasp.......

idk gang-

[uRworthy]

Im sorry you are not feeling well, my friend.

You should not ever feel that you need to apologize about anything. And most especially about being you.

Nero, I am very much like you. If someone needs help and I can help them, I do, without any expectations. And there is nothing at all wrong with that.

You should absolutely be you, as long as you're happy with you, thats all that matters.

And you do not have to do anything that you dont want to do.

But I see you changing. I see you looking inside. I see you figuring things out.

And there isnt anything wrong with that either.

Feel better, my friend.

[nero]

ya know ur- you were saying above about "perspective" being everything.

u r rite . i need to work on changing my perspective here- for sure