Living My Life

[Positivespin]

Let me ask.......You knew there was still contact, your gut was telling you so and its been draining you.

Am I wrong?

How was your last bike ride? I just bought some great gear (inexpensive, champion dry fit)Im def not looking CT cool, But I live in Me.......who cares

So I ask my friend, whats your release? We are going through wayyyy too much. I just had my Vitamin D levels and Iron levels checked to keep me from the winter blahs.

GAME ON! WHERES MY ROCKSTAR!!!!!

[FlyOnTheWall]

It sounds like you just need a break, from him for a little while. You'd been talking the last couple of weeks about NEEDING to have this chat, then wack yourself with the 2X4!!

Try to give yourself a solid week or two of NC. For your own piece of mind maybe? Somehow you let those expectations creep in again maybe? I don't really feel like its cake eating per say, but he's been to available to you maybe?? Heck I dunno.

If you can slow your mind down somehow, give it a little bit of time, I think your going to give yourself some clarity. DONT try to figure things out in the next few days or week. I think you can freely admit right now your making some emotional decisions, and having regrets about them.

Whats rule #12? GET BACK TO IT!! When you had that strength before, I don't think it was even a façade, but you did some mind reading, let expectations come back into your mind, and viola!! Here you are again. I've read so many times, in so many places that its when we've decided to move on our WAS decides they wanna try again, and its ususally too late. But it comes from really being done, not from a place we're still trying to convince ourselves of something not quite there yet.

I'm guilty of his myself, we all are, at least most of us. DB'n doesn't come naturally to most of us. It takes time, but its not like its a calendar schedule type thing, we can say ok im gonna be in such a place in 6 months, and in another 6 months i'll be in this other place. It takes what it takes, for each of us. Whats the general rule, one month for each year your together? If that's true, you still have some time that your going to be living the life of a DB'er. You'll get there.

Its time to get those damn 37 rules out again, re-read them for the umpteenth million time. And put them to use. So you had a minor, yes minor backslide. But you keep forgetting that YOU get to decide when your done, NOT HIM. You made your apology for acting out emotionally, but don't dare for a second regret that you did what you needed to do for YOUR piece of mind. That's how we get there eventually, we have to ask the tough questions for ourselves, we just cant let the answers dictate how we're gonna respond.

[jp787]

GTO - I know when I had a bad interaction and lost it, gave in (in my eyes), said too much. I always would think that was it. I blew it!
As many have reminded me, one interaction doesn't change much.

I think you are doing well to question what you say after you calm and maybe more thinking would help with finding out where you really are. Some find it very helpful to write down what they are thinking and even break it into positives and negatives.

I had a weekend like yours a while back, maybe worse as I am really bad with spinning. From remembering that weekend, my suggestion would be to breathe and Gal, get outside and fresh air. It was very hard for me and I got through it, so there is no question you will too.

Keep posting.

[JayMan]

If it helps any, I've probably done something like this at least four times in the past month. And W invited me over for coffee on Friday, and kissed me yesterday.

This "blowup" will only continue to hold it's place if you dwell on it - as many have said, let it go, get back to it, start replacing bad with good! Your thread is truly an inspirational one of peace and calm and strength, and to fall off is expected; thank goodness, since it feels like I do it every 5 minutes.

[makingmagic]

been there, done that.... so, get back up!

**hugs** to you littleGTO.

[littleGTO]

Thank you, my friends, for keeping me afloat!

Thank GOD I got to go back to work today!! Work is my safe haven, my reprieve, my place of comfort. I am SO busy all day I barely have time to catch my breath with my new job, so the distraction is GOOD. And, I work with children so there are smiles in EVERY day!

I even eat lunch with 2 wonderfully supportive co-workers who have been there for me -- and continued to do so today.

PS- I am still biking... 22.5 on Saturday morning...not as long as I was before but with boys' activities, less daylight during the week and coolness creeping in I'm afraid I'm going to be heading back inside to the gym. Maybe I'll meet someone there?!

H came to house today and was UNUSUALLY helpful, kept asking me what I needed him to do, did I want him to stay/go? He asked me if I wanted to talk and I immediately said "no." I need to keep away from R talk for awhile.

So, he stayed and hung out w boys while I did my own thing (he almost ALWAYS leaves when I come home if he hasn't already). When he went to leave he asked if he could give me a hug. I hesitated but hugged him (reluctantly, to be honest). Relieved when he left. My space.

I was actually SUSPICIOUS of his niceness... but, no more mind-reading, right? Refocus, GTO. Find that control and inner peace.

Really not sure how to "sit" with the weekend I just had. I "D" word is not only out there, I said it. And, now I don't know what to do with that. So, nothing, for now.

A friend of mine thinks I should try to get away for a couple of days this weekend by myself, but I HATE being alone, so that doesn't sound all that appealing to me, even though I understand that it would give me time and space to myself.

[JuneReN]

Come see me

Listen Turtle, sit with this for a while, but you have been moving in this direction for a while. Unfortunately, you took the opportunity to have this conversation due to emotional response.

Lying is my deal breaker as well. I get the "I didn't want to hurt you", but they do not understand that lying is also control, that by lying, one takes away the ability to make decisions based on information given.

I also know that we should be making decisions based on us alone, but sometimes that is not feasible with an S who has been part of your life for so long and whom you still love. Sometimes the best we can do is recognize this and try to do what is best for us alone any how.

Love you

[littleGTO]

Thanks, ruby, you know me so well !! I agree that the LYING is hard to get past. TRUST is broken. Somehow my H doesn't think withholding information is on the same level as LYING, but I beg to differ. DECEIT = LYING = NO TRUST

H was "sick" today so did not have to cross paths with him. Nice I could breathe today. In fact I felt myself moving back in the direction I was headed in before.

Went for a short bike ride, which always helps me de-stress and clear my head.

Cute guy and I texted a little bit (that makes me feel better because I have NO expectations where he is concerned)!

Read a strange owl book with S10 ...the cuddle & read time is priceless!

Then I browsed a dating web site...which may be a new fun distraction for me in the coming months! LOL!!! It's like shopping for a new man!!! (Come on, guys, you got to LOL about that!!!)

[JuneReN]

I love the dating sites lol!! Sometimes I go just to see the names people choose.

One guy was A$$Man...

Seriously????

I spent the last couple of days watching The Voice with D and doing prep...my internship and you know how hard the first year of planning is. Trouble is, not my class and I have to impress cooperating teacher as well as my advisor...yikes!

[Positivespin]

"Window shopping" are we ?????

No hubby contact
texting cute guy
window shopping = WINNING

Proud of you for the bike ride - Keep it up!

Ruby and turtle- What should my online name be now that you poo-poo'd "a$$man"???????????????????? LOL!