The scariest thing I think right now is not knowing whether or not this is it for me, this is the man I am to live my life out with, and things will get better. Or, this is a waist of time and there is a better road for me that will yield a good life with all that it brings.
dawn - you said a mouth ful here. i flip and flop- perhaps we just don't get to know -
back to that "certainty" thing. i like what linda said about ignore-
it's hard to ignore someone that's not there- i always wonder how the heck h will "see my changes" when he doesn't see me.
ya gotta wonder huh?
am endeavoring today- after reading last two posts by you and linda - to jumpon board with you guys - and not let h's world affect mind.
one more day - huh ? i'm so sick this minute- think i'll go find some coffee & call caregiver & give her a "pep talk" or something-
hope you two have a good day. it's funny dawn- putting faces and bodies on every one made me feel soooo incredibly sad to see these nice, actual people suffering, confused, unhappy - feeling like i do- it was overwhelming.
Oh God, hope i'm not getting wierd from too much time alone.
better blow dodge - not enough sleep- it makes me creepy.
I am glad to see that all three of you ladies can now see and understand that you are not alone. Sometimes reality has a wonderful way of helping us view life as it is right now and yes, the past is the past and the future is the future, but you currently have the gift of present. Use it wisely and it will provide all of the tools necessary to help you get to the future.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's very hard to ignore, we as humans really have to make an effort at it. This morning at 4am H's cell voicemail went off, it woke me and then I laid there knowing very well who it was from wishing I never heard it.
I told him in the morning to set his notifications to silent, I don't care to hear how important he is at 4am. I still can't help but let the angry well up in me, but I reminded myself, hey we are not a couple anymore, besides what would I want back, he's gone.
As much as I am listening to everything, and making the improvements on myself and my thinking, I still go back to feeling like he is not the one, what am I fighting for?
It helps me not fight, and control the anger, but there is truth to it as well, I don't think I am to complete my life with this man. He, even on his good days, has so little to offer. He has no life in him, how could he bring life to our R.
I'm not an advocate of D at all, but could it be that sometimes it is what is best? You did it, and you don't have regrets. It's not like he dies when he signs the dotted line, he will still be alive to struggle "his" struggle without me. That's the kicker that I am looking for, "without me"!
I hope you feel better, I hope we all feel better, this is a crap sitch, but we are doing ok!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Alone is such a strange word with many meanings. I am working on seeing what's around me and learning to live in the present again. My future holds some of the same insecurities as before but I am what needs to change in order to face my sitch and not let his MLC bring me down.
I feel a little of the change around me and realize just how much most of my fear was in my head. Letting his threats and spew dictate me or paralize me has got to stop, he is not in control, how could he be, he's the lost one!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I'm glad to see that you are taking back the control over your life. You are absolutely correct, he's not in control of anything because he is the one lost and very confused. You are the one that has both feet on the ground and living in reality.
It takes a while to get to where you are now. The door has opened a crack for you and now you'll be able to open it wider w/your new found knowledge.
Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
i don't feel so okay today. i feel like i'm looking forward to nothing in particular after a couple years of pure hell. i think of the years before that- when i was so supportive and thinking he had some problems I could help or make a diff. (silly me- he had NO problems at all- he "had it all" and has just been using me forever probably).
oh well huh? what a shabby outlook - trying to stow it somewhere- maybe it's the cold- making me negative.
i hear what you're saying about your h. problem is his mlc junk going on is making him unable to be who he was with and around you. i can't get this bit- it all confuses the heck otu of me. my h too - IF he is not going to allow himeslef to have any fun with me- or like me or love me- what the heck am i standing around for???
well - i'm standing around because it's who i am- i guess - i'm this person i am - a person who stands.
ya thnk that's a lousy attitude? i am soooo accustomed to doing things with someone- i can't imagine doing things alone.
doesn't SEEM like fun- but then, can't rush finding someone. well, can't find someone fast enough and don't have someone.
doint really want someone else- but might be forced.
YA KNOW WHAT_ I'M GETTING off here because today i'm a giant downer- i hope you get feelin better & perkier. poor old linda is in a down mood today too- i'm thnking it's the weather- heavy & can't decide what it's doing. can it be as simple as that???? HEY everyone else blames everything in the universe on something/someone else- we can too.
these darn H's making us miserable- no price to pay for them- boundless understanding & support in return for yanking our beating hearts out of our bodies and throwing them against the wall - ratty crreeps....
oh well- not very evolved today, am i??? xxo have a good day- thank you, drive thru please!!!
just was thinking about you- being DONE and all. (if i've said this already- then you're gonna have to chalk it up to my ancient-ness and forgive me repeating myself)
but i think (thought) it was a new thought.
got thinking about you being DONE because your h is there in your face alllll the time and you can't remember what he "was" - hardly any more. and recapture some feelings about him - or his potential .
me- i've got the reverse problem- he's here soooo infrequently- my mind goes back to what he was - the guy in my mind (maybe only in my mind now) the person i think he "is" and very probably is not and hasn't been for years now - - now h is less "real to me" THAN that guy from the olden days. gotta snap outta someting here i guess.
i can't see how either of us begin over with these guys- tne new thems -
i'm still standing because i'm probably based in fantasy and recollection and so, (since i have no new better life gonig on) i'm "stuck at the moment".
you're still standing because he just doesn't go away- and (since you have no new better life gonig on) his presence keeps you "stuck at the moment".
okay- this being said- wtf??? just a thought- don't know exactly what the heck we do with this information- just ruminating around while i'm trying to get rid of pile in attic of stuff that needs to be donated or auctioned off or something. maybe a giant craig list auction of misc odds & ends- i think i will, what the heck? it's not doing a darn thing sitting there.
hope you're good- sos here. hope you have a very good day - i'm still sick & coughing constantly, but more chipper. ta da
Being done means putting myself first, and if that looks like having to rid myself of him, then ok, I am ok with that.
I'm not going to poof into a puff of smoke and disappear. The man inside him, if he ever heals and emerges, can find me, then I will take it from there.
But yes, I am done with the treatment, ignorance, lies and feeling down on myself. I'm standing because he won't go away, your right, but I'm not sure it's even standing, if it is I'm standing for me.
Not against him. There is a difference and I think not very productive. He doesn't care. So it's all me, for me and my better future.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Yes, it's time that you put yourself first. You've put up w/a lot over the last year and he's going to be at this for a very long time.
No, you aren't going up in a puff of smoke and disappear, but you are moving forward and leaving the door ajar. If and when he gets himself together, he can run to catch up and win you back or who knows...you may have moved on to other things and do not want him back. That is in the future and none of us knows what the future holds.
I think you are on the right track. Keep up the good work and yes, working on you and what you need to do to make yourself happy and productive in this world.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
i get it - honestly i do. saving one's self from further torment is no small potatos.
i was more cogitating on the arrival at certain places from different angles (if you will).
here's a kicker- in my sitch , where he thinks i'm soooo awful for soooo long (apparently) that when we have a good time together he's surprised & comments-
and me, the opposite. when we get together and he's icky (if even for a minute- before i walk away because i have zero toleranc3 now) - and i remember he's not the nice guy i have fond memories of but some icky old man whose a crab-
oh well huh??? as ye sow, so shall ye reap.
i'm glad you're getting a handle on the angry- i'm tryin - i am. i'm okay alot of the time if i'm not talking about it or thinking aobut it (specifically) -
when i verbalize- i'm ratty. i know, sorry gang. i'm pretty darn done with the feeling bad about self due to others' criticism and dump as well- .
talk about non-productive huh???? i guess i meant more "standing" as in "still standing". we're "standers" - as in don't lay down & die-ers.
