Need Help!!! WAW stated she wants a D

[AnotherStander]

Can you post the link to your thread. I am not very good at finding peoples threads. I have tried but I find links to posts you have made, not your individual thread.

Hopefully this will be a link to all the threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=31339

The way you do it is to click on the person's name, then click on "View Posts", then click on "Topics Created" and that will display just the threads that the person has started.

[BKS]

AnotherStander,

I started reading your thread. Different sort of situation than mine. Interesting though.

Well, OM is confirmed and there is at the very least EA and I am pretty sure that it is a PA too.

Thankfully, this came as no surprise and, although extremely disappointing, not a surprise in the least. The OM is who I have suspected all along, divorced dad from my sons hockey team last year. I had this very strong GUT feeling about it and now I know that my GUT was right.

Here is my question. Now that I know this is the case and my W is full steam ahead on the D, What do I do now?

How does this affect my D in the NY State divorce court. Morally this is so wrong, I know. Legally, what does it mean to me? She filed for the D. Do I bring this EA up in court? I will have to consult my Attorney about this.

Anyone have any experience with this?

Also, she offered me $10K to walk out the door and save us the court costs. This is about 10 times short of fair.

BKS

[BKS]

WOW!!! Just WOW!!! (and not in a good way)

W just went completely ballistic on me. I will try to explain this and would like any of your comments on this.

She does not know that I know about her and the OM, unless somehow she has figured out that I post on this site.

I came home from taking my D4 to the playground. S9 was at his friends house. She asked "whats my number". Meaning, what percentage of the marital assets do I want in order to leave and move out. I told her all along that I wanted what was "fair and equitable" whatever that turns out to be. She said I had better not fight her on the house or else it would all my fault if we lose the house.

She was emotionally heated and promptly left the house and presumably went to OM's house (mind reading). I asked her if she would be having dinner with us. She made no reply and just left.

I made dinner (popsicle chicken, D4s favorite at the moment)and was putting it on the table when D4 asked if she could call mommy. I dialed and gave her the phone. D4 wanted W to come home and have dinner with us.

W came home and sat down and had dinner with us. After dinner, S9 went outside to ride his bike. W began ranting about how much money I wanted to make me go away. I told her that I wasn't going to talk about the D in front of the kids. D4 was still in the room with us.

She continued to press the issue. I repeatedly said that I was not going to talk about it in front of the kids.

D4 eventually went outside to play with S9. That's when the yelling started. She demanded to know how much I wanted. I repeated that I still did not want to talk about it and left the conversation at, "I want whats fair and equitable". She asked how much that was and I said 50% of the marital assets.

That's when the real ranting began. She went off on me saying all sorts of vitriol and said that if she loses the house, it would be all my fault. I told her that she could stop us from losing the house but I cant. I said that she started the D and I was just along for the ride. I kept my composure and let it roll off my back. She said that I was a "loser" that I did not provide for my family. Same old stuff as usual.

I told her that I understand that she feels that way and that I was sorry that she felt that way. She then continued yelling on her way out of the house.

That was part of my day. Please let me know what you think.

Also, I pretty much knew that EA/PA was going on and I had some time to mentally prepare for it. It still p!sses me off though now that it is confirmed. What would you all do about OM, particularly him and his kids coming over to our home while I am not there? ( I travel for work a lot)

I would love to have a face to face with him and tell him where to go. I know that is frowned upon here. I also, would like to tell her that OM and his kids are not to come over to our house until the D is final.

What are your thought on this everyone?

BKS

[lovethehub]

Good for you for refusing to talk about it in front of the children. Your W is wrong for talking about it in front of them and one of you needs some common sense. Also, nice job keeping your cool.

I have to defer to the vets on the advice you are seeking but I wanted you to know someone was here.

[BKS]

Thanks LTH,

I so want to tell them both off and give them a piece of my mind but, I came here to rant and vent.

I will try to keep my mouth shut until I get more guidance on this.

I find that reading others past experience helps tremendously.

BKS

[Fartiltre]

BKS,

I agree with LBH!

Perhaps consider ending a talk where she is spewing!
W, if we can’t continue this talk in a proper manner I will leave it.
Then leave it if she continues!

I also, would like to tell her that OM and his kids are not to come over to our house until the D is final.

I can see why – hopefully a VET will come by and advice you on this one!
I would be furious and I am impressed with the way you handle yourselves!

I would love to have a face to face with him and tell him where to go.

.....but what would/could you gain from this?

BKS, you are in a rough spot and doing good! Well done on keeping on the high road!

F

[BKS]

Thanks Fartiltre,

I know in the long run, staying on the high road is the best approach. The hard part about this is the line I have to walk. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me lose my cool. But I would love to get some satisfaction with a face to face with OM. I know there is nothing positive to gain from that.

The fact that OM is now confirmed, somehow gives me some peace of mind though. What I mean by this is, I have a renewed sense of confidence that my gut feelings were correct regarding OM. I also have a better sense of how to proceed. I have been trying to accommodate her a bit too much during all this. I have little motivation left for accommodation.

I, like a lot of LBS's, have been trying to figure out why a S would do this to their family. I understand that the OM can be like an addiction and there is nothing I can do to change her mind about it. She either will or she wont.

Now that I know about the two of them, my thoughts have started to wonder about the next steps I must take. If she wanted to come back now, I could not take her back. Cheating goes against everything I believe in, morally and otherwise. I have read that it is forgivable, I just don't see how at the moment. I will cross that bridge if I ever get to it.

The thing that gets me though is, she was brought up Catholic and we go to church every Sunday. OM is also Catholic. So now, two supposedly God fearing individuals, have committed adultery and could seemingly care less. They go to church and act like they are respectable participants but it is all just for show. I suppose they need God now, more than ever.

I have recently asked God to take the blinders off of me so that I may see things as they really are. Wow! What an eye opener. Be careful what you wish for. I am grateful that my eyes are now open so I can move forward with no regrets. In the end, I will be able to sleep at night, knowing that I did my best to save my M.

I have thought I was fairly detached from W. Staying lovingly detach the best I could. After discovering EA/PA I can say that I am at a new level of detachment.

I have felt guilt about my part in our crisis and I know I was not perfect. But, no one deserves to be treated this way. I have always believed that cheating on someone, married or not, is the worst thing you could possibly do to someone. In love, there are no guarantees.

For the moment, I am content for some reason. I think it is because, thanks to all of you here who have shared your stories and MWD, and reading DR DB, I can understand what MLC/WAS is all about. I can see now why they say to read all you can about MLC.

Once you know what MLC/WAS is all about and what choices you have, you can make better decisions for yourself. You are able to choose how to best react/respond to your MLCer.



BKS

[Fartiltre]

BKS

I have felt guilt about my part in our crisis and I know I was not perfect

What you have to comprehend is that the above is properly the cause of OM – thats why he came along! I have never heard or read about OM/OW in a happy marriage.

This is properly also the “excuse” your W uses in front of herself and God! I had to do this – we will all be better off so it is the right thing to do!

I, like a lot of LBS's, have been trying to figure out why a S would do this to their family.

I am not a VET but as I see the WAS now, she is (in her head) not doing it TO the family – she is doing it FOR the family! She is doing it to save herself and her children and she properly counts you in as well: You will be much better without me or other script.

The fact that OM is now confirmed, somehow gives me some peace of mind though.

Removed doubts, even if discovery is unpleasant, often gives this feeling so I understand why!

BKS, I totally understand if you are hurting and feeling anger, but it will get you nowhere right now – if ever! Stick to the high road and keep being the best man and farther you can.

All the best

F

[AnotherStander]

Here is my question. Now that I know this is the case and my W is full steam ahead on the D, What do I do now?

There is an A in every single sitch. It may be a PA, or it may be an EA, or if neither of those than an IA- imaginary affair (the WAS imagines a new/ improved life with a special someone that's just waiting out there for them). But regardless, the WAS ALWAYS has some kind of A going on. It doesn't change anything other than the fact that you know about it now.

How does this affect my D in the NY State divorce court.

You'll have to consult your lawyer, in most states there is no impact on D. Most states have given up trying to determine fault because you say she's having an affair, she says you did X, Y and Z that drove her to an affair. I don't blame them, it's too much to sort through.

But I would love to get some satisfaction with a face to face with OM.

That's not satisfaction, it's revenge, and it will not help you get to where you need to be. In fact it'll likely set you way back on your journey.

The thing that gets me though is, she was brought up Catholic and we go to church every Sunday. OM is also Catholic. So now, two supposedly God fearing individuals, have committed adultery and could seemingly care less.

100% of churchgoers are sinners. Some try to assign higher and lower values to certain sins, but that's of our own making, in God's eyes all sins are equally bad. I'm not sure why to some people an affair is a deal-killer, Christ said that if you think it in your mind it's just as sinful as if you committed it, and what married person (whether WAS or LBS) has not at least fantasized about an affair?

They go to church and act like they are respectable participants but it is all just for show.

That's total mind-reading. I suspect they are both wracked with much more guilt then you give them credit for.

After discovering EA/PA I can say that I am at a new level of detachment.

This is the kind of news that takes months to digest, so just step back and take a breath. You're likely still cycling, so just be patient.

It still p!sses me off though now that it is confirmed.

= NOT DETACHED

What would you all do about OM, particularly him and his kids coming over to our home while I am not there?

Nothing. OM is a symptom of your marital problems, not the cause. Any interaction you attempt with OM is just going to make your sitch worse. Possibly much worse. It's not unheard of for that to end in restraining orders and nights in jail.

I would love to have a face to face with him and tell him where to go.

Work on that detachment! When you can see your W with OM out somewhere and just stop and say hello and chat briefly, then you're getting there. Yes, it's happened to me and yes, that's what I did and no, I didn't have an emotional meltdown afterwards.

[BKS]

It still p!sses me off though now that it is confirmed.

= NOT DETACHED
[/quote]


Not completely detached but more detached than I was before. I know that I feel like I am on an up cycle for now. Lots more work to do on myself.

After discovering EA/PA I can say that I am at a new level of detachment.

[quote=AnotherStander

This is the kind of news that takes months to digest, so just step back and take a breath. You're likely still cycling, so just be patient.[quote]

I have suspected the EA/PA for many months now and have had some time to digest it. I do know that it will be very hard to see them out as a couple though. Im not looking forward to that.


[quote]But I would love to get some satisfaction with a face to face with OM.

That's not satisfaction, it's revenge, and it will not help you get to where you need to be. In fact it'll likely set you way back on your journey.

I completely agree. That was a knee jerk emotional response that I think most people have when they find out this type on news.

100% of churchgoers are sinners. Some try to assign higher and lower values to certain sins, but that's of our own making, in God's eyes all sins are equally bad. I'm not sure why to some people an affair is a deal-killer, Christ said that if you think it in your mind it's just as sinful as if you committed it, and what married person (whether WAS or LBS) has not at least fantasized about an affair?

Also agree about the sinners, myself included. As to why its a deal killer for me, this is the most hurtful thing that someone can do to another. Also, one of the reasons S says she is filing for D is that I didn't make enough money to suit her. I did not provide the lifestyle she feels she deserves.

Fair enough. So if she came back, whats to say she would not leave again. What she is doing right now is exactly how her and I got together when we first started dating. She was done with her boyfriend at the time and started pursuing me. She went back to him 3 times before she finally left for good. The reason she finally left for good is because she felt that she had a pretty good chance with me.

Same pattern as before. That should have been my cue to run like the wind. However, I have never loved anyone like I have loved her.

The thing that gets me though is, she was brought up Catholic and we go to church every Sunday. OM is also Catholic. So now, two supposedly God fearing individuals, have committed adultery and could seemingly care less.

What would you all do about OM, particularly him and his kids coming over to our home while I am not there?

Nothing. OM is a symptom of your marital problems, not the cause. Any interaction you attempt with OM is just going to make your sitch worse. Possibly much worse. It's not unheard of for that to end in restraining orders and nights in jail.

Okay, but we are still living in the same house. I for damn sure do not want him there while I am still living there. If that's wrong then I have more issues than I thought.

As always AnotherStander, thank you for pointing out the flaws in my thinking. I do truly appreciate it. It helps me understand better what we are going through.

I would like to here from more of you here if you have the time to respond.

BKS