AS- I get you about the 30's crowd. I am not opposed to dating a 30-something year old. I do think I need a partner who is already a parent & doesn't want more children. I don't really think a partner could really relate to me unless they were already in the throes of parenthood too!
Today I went to S10's soccer practice and talked with this guy who also has a S on the team. We have talked on and off recently and have been acquaintances for several years.
Well, we got into a conversation (I thought he was D'ed but turns out he is legally S- for a year now & was S another year before that) and I told him about my situation. He said he was surprised (as he knows my H a little) but knew something was going on in my life based on other conversations we've had.
Told him it just felt "weird" to have people I talk to regularly not to know that I am S. He said he understood. We talked for about 20 minutes. He is attractive, waaaaaaaaay closer to my age then cute guy and I'm quite sure we have a lot more in common.
I mention him here tonight b/c of my recent thoughts about dating and now here's this available guy who I enjoy talking to & now he knows my situation. I don't know what will happen from here, but life's a journey, right??? Would I date him if he asked? DK.
Told him I have not yet dated, so don't even think he would think about asking (even if he were interested, which b/c he didn't even know my sitch, I don't think he's even thought about).
BTW- he also goes to my church (another positive point for him)!
I don't know if all these thoughts about dating are just distractions or if they have very significant meaning in where I am right now.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
GTO, Sure sounds like a great friend if nothing else
Slow and easy, but have fun!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Im just thankful I met you when i did because I get the feeling your social calendar is going to fill up ......FAST
Your in the position of power my friend- Your H has already done his damage to you......He hasnt had to experience his own emotions of seeing you with someone else - it wont be kind
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
PS- You are TOO kind, my friend!!! My social calendar does keep busy, but with all my GF'S, not with guys!!
I do have a male co-worker who I have become very close to & we communicate a lot... but as I've said before he's a DBing friend...trying to save his M too..just like people here.
And, PS, I would be happy to make time in my "busy social calendar" to get together again in the future. YOu aren't exactly next door though!!LOL!!
jp, you are right that soccer/church guy...I will call him "handsome man" may in fact become a good friend I can talk to..and from there, who knows!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
OKay, I was PMSing to start...so I should have just not talked to anyone, esp my H this weekend.
BUT, I DID... and here's how it went...
Friday night I avoided talking to him so that was good but I was spinning in my own head like crazy...what to do..reliving events from one year ago where OW's H came screeching up to our driveway when my parents were visiting from the midwest... he through OW's shirt that she emailed my H a pict of her in. Then he gave me an email H sexted to her that he intercepted.
Anyway, one of the worst weekends of my life as we sat down w my parents and my H told them HIS version of the story of OW entering his life...W (me) was so mean to me (winter blues) and I needed someone b/c my mom was sick...blah, blah, blah... OW was there and made me feel good...blah, blah, blah... My dad saw straight throught it though. My mom was surprisingly calm and talked to H with some sympathy so he would listen.
Anyway back to now...so I was spinning from all that in my head.
Saturday morning came & I couldn't get out of bed (wanted to stay there all day). H called to say he had a cold and wouldn't be taking boys Sat night so he could sleep... fine. Then he called back realizing I sounded like "something was on my mind," did I want to talk?
SO, I said I was thinking a lot about a year ago... then wanted to know where he was... yes, I asked the questions that were on my mind. Asked if he was comm w OW (as he told me he & she had NC) about 6 weeks ago.
He said,"YEs, I talk to her." Me- "Every day?" H- "Yes, I talk to her every day." Me- "why didn't you tell me this, after you said you were NC w her?" H- "I thought you knew." me-"How would I know?!!!@" My voice escalated and anger set it and panic and sadnesss and I blurted out between sobs, " I WANT A DIVORCE!"
He said, "I understand."
We didn't talk for more than a minute after that b/c I was soo upset at what he said and what I had said in an very emotional moment. Reactive. I should have STFU, but I didn't, so it was out there.
The rest of the morning I kept thinking I should call/text and take it back. But, did I mean it? Why did I say it? Could I take it back even if I wanted to??
I did text him later and said that I wish I hadn't said what I said from such an emotional place and that I DON'T want a D.. but if you don't want to be M to me then I think we should talk.
He said, "I think we should talk."
I called him and the convo didn't go well. I ended up telling him how hurt I was and that I couldn't believe how deceitful he had been AGAIN by not telling me what he promised to tell me (anything new w OW). I ended the convo by calling him a F'ing piece of crap.
Now, I don't swear. And, I have NEVER called him ANY names-- EVER. It is not who I am, so it completely undid me for the better part of the day.
His response via text." I'll call the mediators Monday and make an apptmt."
Me- "NOooooooooo!"
H- "Why no? You obviously don't think much of me anymore."
Me- "I'm so sorry for my words...I am just sooo hurt and sad that I guess I wanted you to fell just a fraction of my pain!"
HIs response- He went into how wonderful he's been to me all these years and how he' shown me his love in x, y and z ways but now his feelings have changed. "I am a good person."
Me- "You are a good person. Misguided and lost, but not a bad person. If I thought you were a bad person it wouldn't be so hard to let go."
Anyway, I called him in person later and apologized AGAIN for the name calling, which he said I didn't need to do, but I know that he will not let that go...
He said "we've been living like this for way too long and we can't be happy. Life is too short not to be happy."
Today wasn't any better. I won't go into everything but he came to the house and I confronted him again(what the F is wrong with me????) I ended up leaving b/c I just couldn't even contain myself.
We talked again later at S10's soccer game and he said, "What do you want?"
I said, "For us to do MC for 2 months w NC w OW."
He said, "What do you want if that's not going to happen?"
Me- No response.
I am in a very angry place all of a sudden. More anger than I can remember except for one other incident where I threw a plate against my basement wall to release my anger.
And, my friends, I think H is right. I think it is time to start a divorce. It makes me sad to say this, but I am done. I just am. I don't want to keep cycling over and over and not getting anywhere.
My H has virtually make NO effort or indication EVER that he was interested in saving our marriage. OW has been a constant in his life for 2+ years.
I want a partner in life to love and to do life with. So, it's time to end this chapter so I can start the next.
I just don't know how to do this....divorce and stilll survive and function and keep on moving forward in a positive way.
I am going to need a lot more support here, friends!!!!!!!!!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
OKay, I was PMSing to start...so I should have just not talked to anyone, esp my H this weekend.
BUT, I DID... and here's how it went...
Friday night I avoided talking to him so that was good but I was spinning in my own head like crazy...what to do..reliving events from one year ago where OW's H came screeching up to our driveway when my parents were visiting from the midwest... he through OW's shirt that she emailed my H a pict of her in. Then he gave me an email H sexted to her that he intercepted.
Anyway, one of the worst weekends of my life as we sat down w my parents and my H told them HIS version of the story of OW entering his life...W (me) was so mean to me (winter blues) and I needed someone b/c my mom was sick...blah, blah, blah... OW was there and made me feel good...blah, blah, blah... My dad saw straight throught it though. My mom was surprisingly calm and talked to H with some sympathy so he would listen.
Anyway back to now...so I was spinning from all that in my head.
Saturday morning came & I couldn't get out of bed (wanted to stay there all day). H called to say he had a cold and wouldn't be taking boys Sat night so he could sleep... fine. Then he called back realizing I sounded like "something was on my mind," did I want to talk?
SO, I said I was thinking a lot about a year ago... then wanted to know where he was... yes, I asked the questions that were on my mind. Asked if he was comm w OW (as he told me he & she had NC) about 6 weeks ago.
He said,"YEs, I talk to her." Me- "Every day?" H- "Yes, I talk to her every day." Me- "why didn't you tell me this, after you said you were NC w her?" H- "I thought you knew." me-"How would I know?!!!@" My voice escalated and anger set it and panic and sadnesss and I blurted out between sobs, " I WANT A DIVORCE!"
He said, "I understand."
We didn't talk for more than a minute after that b/c I was soo upset at what he said and what I had said in an very emotional moment. Reactive. I should have STFU, but I didn't, so it was out there.
The rest of the morning I kept thinking I should call/text and take it back. But, did I mean it? Why did I say it? Could I take it back even if I wanted to??
I did text him later and said that I wish I hadn't said what I said from such an emotional place and that I DON'T want a D.. but if you don't want to be M to me then I think we should talk.
He said, "I think we should talk."
I called him and the convo didn't go well. I ended up telling him how hurt I was and that I couldn't believe how deceitful he had been AGAIN by not telling me what he promised to tell me (anything new w OW). I ended the convo by calling him a F'ing piece of crap.
Now, I don't swear. And, I have NEVER called him ANY names-- EVER. It is not who I am, so it completely undid me for the better part of the day.
His response via text." I'll call the mediators Monday and make an apptmt."
Me- "NOooooooooo!"
H- "Why no? You obviously don't think much of me anymore."
Me- "I'm so sorry for my words...I am just sooo hurt and sad that I guess I wanted you to fell just a fraction of my pain!"
HIs response- He went into how wonderful he's been to me all these years and how he' shown me his love in x, y and z ways but now his feelings have changed. "I am a good person."
Me- "You are a good person. Misguided and lost, but not a bad person. If I thought you were a bad person it wouldn't be so hard to let go."
Anyway, I called him in person later and apologized AGAIN for the name calling, which he said I didn't need to do, but I know that he will not let that go...
He said "we've been living like this for way too long and we can't be happy. Life is too short not to be happy."
Today wasn't any better. I won't go into everything but he came to the house and I confronted him again(what the F is wrong with me????) I ended up leaving b/c I just couldn't even contain myself.
We talked again later at S10's soccer game and he said, "What do you want?"
I said, "For us to do MC for 2 months w NC w OW."
He said, "What do you want if that's not going to happen?"
Me- No response.
I am in a very angry place all of a sudden. More anger than I can remember except for one other incident where I threw a plate against my basement wall to release my anger.
And, my friends, I think H is right. I think it is time to start a divorce. It makes me sad to say this, but I am done. I just am. I don't want to keep cycling over and over and not getting anywhere.
My H has virtually make NO effort or indication EVER that he was interested in saving our marriage. OW has been a constant in his life for 2+ years.
I want a partner in life to love and to do life with. So, it's time to end this chapter so I can start the next.
I just don't know how to do this....divorce and stilll survive and function and keep on moving forward in a positive way.
I am going to need a lot more support here, friends!!!!!!!!!
Turtle where are you??? Re-read your posts tracing back about 1-2 months ago. You were in control confident! Where is she? Re group---continue on your path. Focus on you and the boys. What happen to cycling?
The D is on him let him do all the work. I think the NC threw you off a little. Remember YOU are the BEST choice he's a fool to leave you.
Just some thoughts on my end GTO.
Take care, Newman
me40; W43 M18; T~20 D18; S13 & S3 bomb 5/9/11 EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM
Separated 4/1/14
"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.
Do nothing GTO, just be still and catch your breath. I KNOW that's so easy to say yet harder to. Give it to GOD and take your hands off. I know you wanna "fix" what you did because you feel like it leave a negative impact in his mind plus you gave back power and control that you've worked so hard to establish. It's ok it happens, refocus on yourself and your children. It's never too late, even if you all D there is nothing that says you all can't get back together. God knows your heart, trust HIM with it no matter what. Keep your focus in the right places because every place of comfort isn't a place of comfort...
