H came to stay with the kids this week so I could take a business trip. I had three days and nights of meetings inside the airport, even the hotel was located in the airport, long hours and lots of stress. I checked in a couple of times with the kids, and was happy not to be bombarded by H with intrusive text messages. Things seemed to go smoothly.
Getting out of the airport and in the cab home though H started a barrage of texts about something that seemed very important to him but was unimportant to me, the location of some money I had left on the table for the kids that they never noticed was there. I couldn't do much about it from the cab, and I'd be home soon so it was moot, so I tried to get H to let it go, but he insisted I answer his questions. So I wrote specifically how much, where and how I left it, etc, and he found it in one minute. I said fantastic, and he said "you could have just answered the question" - what a brat. I fumed for a minute about how intrusive and rude he is, and then let it go. I thought about how he must be stressed out from not being used to dealing with them. He probably wanted to leave everything perfect when he left and this thing hanging was causing him stress. When he's stressed, he just acts like a jerk, it is standard MO for him. He's not thinking about whether I'm exhausted, or balancing luggage on an escalator, or figuring the taxi's tip. He wants his questions answered and he wants them answered NOOOOOWWWWW. Anyway, I thought sympathetic thoughts and let the matter drop in my head. He may continue thinking I'm bratty but I'm not going to keep writing texts to get him to not think that.
I arrived home, and the place was deserted. So I guess he found the money and it was the last thing he put in place, drove S13 to scouts and took off from there. I texted him "the house looks great thx" and he texted "ur welcome".
S15 was out in the neighborhood with his friend and came home later, and S13 got a ride home even later, and then the boys and I got some time to reconnect, which was nice. I got a hug from S15. I brought them mini-ketchups from the meeting lunch. Not my best souvenir but I didn't get out to shop.
Next day S15 and his friend sat around the kitchen table with me complaining about how mean H was. S15 asked him for a couple dollars to go buy snacks and he said in a derogatory way "why should I give you any money? The government furloughed me and I'm not getting paid why should you get anything?" I validated S15's feelings and pointed out how H probably was feeling about losing his income. S15 said "I don't care. He shouldn't take that out on me. When he doesn't treat me with respect, I respect him less. I don't even want to be around him at all." I asked S15 if he would consider telling H about how H's words and tone make him feel disrespected. S15 said he didn't care about H understanding him.
H came to one of S15's lacrosse games and hung around after so he could say hi to S15, and I offered to drive him over to his car. When we got close he said, "pull over in front of that [truck in front of his car], and then be careful pulling out because those other cars can't see you." Deep breath. I believe possibly maybe he doesn't think I'm a complete moron but rather is expressing caring and concern for our safety. But I sure am tired of being treated like a moron. I've been driving with good success for 31 years now. With a smile I pulled in where he asked, let him out without arguing about his acting like my dad, and then put him out of my mind and pulled out with exactly as much care as I felt necessary and not one bit more. I might have the world's most irritating xH, but he's not the world's worst xH, there are worse ones out there.
At the lacrosse game a mom I don't know well, who was next to me, moved way over when she saw that H arrived, and said something about how he'll surely want to sit next to me, and maybe hold hands ha ha. I didn't say anything, and H sat two rows in front of us, leaving the wide space next to me gaping. That was a bit awkward. It takes getting used to, being a noncouple with your H out in public.
I'm sad that S15 doesn't like his dad right now, but I'm so glad to hear him expressing himself now. I hope that being able to talk it out around the kitchen table makes it seem less large in his mind.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
