Living My Life

[littleGTO]

Well, I just had the weekend from hell.

Talk about entering back into the cyclone cycle.

OKay, I was PMSing to start...so I should have just not talked to anyone, esp my H this weekend.

BUT, I DID... and here's how it went...

Friday night I avoided talking to him so that was good but I was spinning in my own head like crazy...what to do..reliving events from one year ago where OW's H came screeching up to our driveway when my parents were visiting from the midwest... he through OW's shirt that she emailed my H a pict of her in. Then he gave me an email H sexted to her that he intercepted.

Anyway, one of the worst weekends of my life as we sat down w my parents and my H told them HIS version of the story of OW entering his life...W (me) was so mean to me (winter blues) and I needed someone b/c my mom was sick...blah, blah, blah... OW was there and made me feel good...blah, blah, blah... My dad saw straight throught it though. My mom was surprisingly calm and talked to H with some sympathy so he would listen.

Anyway back to now...so I was spinning from all that in my head.

Saturday morning came & I couldn't get out of bed (wanted to stay there all day). H called to say he had a cold and wouldn't be taking boys Sat night so he could sleep... fine. Then he called back realizing I sounded like "something was on my mind," did I want to talk?

SO, I said I was thinking a lot about a year ago... then wanted to know where he was... yes, I asked the questions that were on my mind. Asked if he was comm w OW (as he told me he & she had NC) about 6 weeks ago.

He said,"YEs, I talk to her."
Me- "Every day?"
H- "Yes, I talk to her every day."
Me- "why didn't you tell me this, after you said you were NC w her?"
H- "I thought you knew."
me-"How would I know?!!!@" My voice escalated and anger set it and panic and sadnesss and I blurted out between sobs, " I WANT A DIVORCE!"

He said, "I understand."

We didn't talk for more than a minute after that b/c I was soo upset at what he said and what I had said in an very emotional moment. Reactive. I should have STFU, but I didn't, so it was out there.

The rest of the morning I kept thinking I should call/text and take it back. But, did I mean it? Why did I say it? Could I take it back even if I wanted to??

I did text him later and said that I wish I hadn't said what I said from such an emotional place and that I DON'T want a D.. but if you don't want to be M to me then I think we should talk.


He said, "I think we should talk."

I called him and the convo didn't go well. I ended up telling him how hurt I was and that I couldn't believe how deceitful he had been AGAIN by not telling me what he promised to tell me (anything new w OW). I ended the convo by calling him a F'ing piece of crap.

Now, I don't swear. And, I have NEVER called him ANY names-- EVER. It is not who I am, so it completely undid me for the better part of the day.

His response via text." I'll call the mediators Monday and make an apptmt."

Me- "NOooooooooo!"

H- "Why no? You obviously don't think much of me anymore."

Me- "I'm so sorry for my words...I am just sooo hurt and sad that I guess I wanted you to fell just a fraction of my pain!"

HIs response- He went into how wonderful he's been to me all these years and how he' shown me his love in x, y and z ways but now his feelings have changed. "I am a good person."

Me- "You are a good person. Misguided and lost, but not a bad person. If I thought you were a bad person it wouldn't be so hard to let go."

Anyway, I called him in person later and apologized AGAIN for the name calling, which he said I didn't need to do, but I know that he will not let that go...

He said "we've been living like this for way too long and we can't be happy. Life is too short not to be happy."

Today wasn't any better. I won't go into everything but he came to the house and I confronted him again(what the F is wrong with me????) I ended up leaving b/c I just couldn't even contain myself.

We talked again later at S10's soccer game and he said, "What do you want?"

I said, "For us to do MC for 2 months w NC w OW."

He said, "What do you want if that's not going to happen?"

Me- No response.

I am in a very angry place all of a sudden. More anger than I can remember except for one other incident where I threw a plate against my basement wall to release my anger.

And, my friends, I think H is right. I think it is time to start a divorce. It makes me sad to say this, but I am done. I just am. I don't want to keep cycling over and over and not getting anywhere.

My H has virtually make NO effort or indication EVER that he was interested in saving our marriage. OW has been a constant in his life for 2+ years.

I want a partner in life to love and to do life with. So, it's time to end this chapter so I can start the next.

I just don't know how to do this....divorce and stilll survive and function and keep on moving forward in a positive way.

I am going to need a lot more support here, friends!!!!!!!!!