A few successful field goals and still kicking

[BklynMom]

Great to hear your update and how things are improving.

It is so important for me to hear about things improving then just read the stories that never improve.

Stick with it

[reachingHigher]

I'm so glad you posted here that things are going better for you! It sounds like you are very invested in making your M work!
I love the attitude about the beautiful, expensive dinners too!

We are not fully out of the woods yet, I know, but we are miles away from where we were a few months ago. Now, the biggest question is how to sustain our improvements and continue to build on them.
. . . . . . .
The other big issue is physical. She is happy going back to before, which is to say a SSM. She knows that isn't acceptable and has talked about it at MC, but is honest that once a month or so is fine with her.

Does she have hormonal issues? Is she healthy? Is she fit and feel good about how she looks? Does she not understand how important that is to you, and most men?

Was it good for you two when you were dating and first M?

Just wondering. You've probably been over this same ground again and again. I just don't remember.

[CharlieBrown]

RH,

She was tested and doesn't seem to have hormonal issues. Very healthy, in fact became super fitnessed obsessed in January and was hand-in-glove with MLC. Lost a bunch of weight, new diet, etc. She looks great (although I thought she did before too, but now she does as well) and is happy with her new looks (about 25 lbs lighter, 12 down to a 6-8).

I think she knows, just doesn't care enough to change. Truth is, to answer your other question, it was never great after we got married (not just compared to my visions of what it could be, but compared to past girlfriends I had), but it kept getting gradually better. Just not fast enough. Then it stopped getting better. I think now, this is one of those things for her that she knows she needs to change, knows her marriage would be better, just doesn't do it. Like me having a bowl of ice cream at night even though I know it's bad for me and will keep me from losing weight. But, it is comfortable and easy.

Anyway, the fact that I can even focus on this, and a few other things we still need to improve is such a blessing. I feel like my head is above water again, even if I am still in the ocean...

CB

[Verum]

CB, I like hearing your story, please continue to post. I'm a similar age with 3 kids, you might want to read my thread as well.

[ForeverYoung]

CB, sounds good, I'm very happy for you guys.

I have to be honest here. I was a bit worried for you with all the focus on MC early on. In many sitches it seems it only makes things worse. I'm glad to hear it has helped your M!

Like yours, my W has also always been low sex drive. Could go weeks without, with no problem at all. Never had an A, so I know it's just who she is. On the up side it seems this means having an OM (at least physically) is low on her priority list.

Oddly enough, in my opinion the last few years before BD were some of our best in this department. Go figure.

[CharlieBrown]

FY,

I think the reason MC was helpful to get us to where we are now is the C himself. I did a lot of research and found a local MC who was trained by MWD and Gottman, and was strongly pro-marriage. When I called he was not accepting patients, so I called, and stopped by until I could get a meeting and get him to agree to see us. I would not have known to do this if not for what I had read on this board, so I am very grateful to the board on that.

Funny what you said because I told MC, and W agreed, that we had our best sex life in the months before her BD as well.

She admitted in MC that it is just not that important to her. But, that was also a bit of BS, I think the underlying truth is that it is somewhat important to her, but especially not with me. Painful, but honest.

CB

[RosaLinda]

Hey CB, I have been checking your old thread to see if you updated yet, and found this one! Thanks so much for posting all of your positive goings on!

I am so glad to hear that your marriage counselor helped you both so much, it does sound as if you did the research needed to choose wisely. Do you think your W might be willing to see a sex therapist? I never ever dreamed I would write those words to anyone ever, but the poor woman is missing out on so much pleasure and love. Most women I know feel so cherished by ML, even if their Hs don't feel that way at all! I feel so badly for her. Probably mostly because my own H would not touch me with a ten-foot pole these days

[CharlieBrown]

Hi RL! I have been following your sitch as well, thanks for checking in. Wish things were better on your end, I am sorry to that your H continues to think be needs to proceed with his crazy plans. I am thinking of you, even when not checking in and hope you start to see some rays of light in your life, even if your husband continues to live in the dark.

To answer your question, I think it is more likely that I will be the next American Idol than my wife will go to a sex therapist. And I have started to try to look at this from a loving husband who feels bad for her, rather than with the bitterness and anger I did in the past. As such, I am more understanding and looking at it with open eyes, I think she thinks this is not a problem as is, so why change? Like no one here can force their MLCer to stop their MLC, I can't force her to see the need to improve this. I trust our MC tremendously and am hopeful he might have some techniques to help us work through it and help both of us to see each other's perspectives. Either way, things overall have been much better and I am trying to focus on staying the course with the changes I have made of myself.

I am in CA on a business trip today and this starts a several month period of a lot of business travel. I brought up to W that at the end of this time last year was when things went bad for us and I know there was at least some correlation. She said she knows, but she was so positive about how much better we are doing and how much better she is doing. But, I need to remember the mistakes I made and do better!

Last night we took the kids out, went to church first, then for a fancy dinner for W's birthday. We had a wonderful night and she texted me today at the airport to tell me how great the night was last night.

It is our 17th anniversary next week and this year will mean so much more than it did last year! 7 months ago I wasn't sure we would still be together for this anniversary.

CB