He's the confused one...

[BRNR]

Hi everyone. It's been awhile. I had a weekend pretty much alone. The first in a long while, and it gave me time to reflect on a lot of things.

So for starters, stb ex dropped the assault charges without them going to trial. He did it the day we were suppose to have court, practically minutes before we were called.

Secondly, I finally got my order for child support, spousal support, and custody of our two sons. He didn't fight anything on it although he did have attorney representation.

Third, stb ex has moved in with gf an hour away. As soon as he is fully out of the apartment located five minutes away, the children will probably only see him every other weekend. How sad.

So a lot has happened, including a letter from stb exes attorney that he will be filing for divorce soon. I haven't talked to H since the first week of July, so that's three months for me. Nothing, not even a conversation about the children.

I realized today it has been a year since bomb drop. The year actually flew by fast once I wised up. I honestly stopped counting and didn't even realize that one, it had been a year and two, I hadn't talked to H in 3 months.

I have pretty much moved on from the sitch, it is only when significant things happen or come up that I even think about him anymore. I guess this means I don't love him any longer. I really don't miss him, and can't see him ever being in my life. Which is a shock, because I keep thinking, "hey, we have kids together, he will always be there", but honestly he hasn't been, by his choosing and mine.

I started dating, and have given up on the idea recently. While I think I am ready, I just wasn't finding what I wanted in a man. My ex couldn't even fulfill those qualities now, and honestly, even his pre-MLC self might have not been able to either.

From what I can tell, H has deepened himself in the rabbit hole. He has totally cut himself off from his former life, right down to the financial obligations in it, his children, his extended family. Everything. He really wiped the slate clean and started over.

I reflected and asked myself if I would want my old life again, him included. My answer right now is no. While I am not fully happy with everything, I know he doesn't fit in what a happy life would look like for me.

I find that sad. I loved and cherished this man like no other, and now I could care less if he fell off the face of the earth. I don't know what this says about me, but it seems very cold to feel that way.

So I have lost all feelings and have been feeling really indifferent about everything. This year has taught me a lot about myself and just how strong I am.

So now I am wondering what my future holds. I am kinda in a holding pattern on what to do, how to move forward, and what my future looks like. I really am just letting things happen these days, good or bad. It's the only way I can see living right now.