Time and Tide

[Notlikingthis]

Fy,

Your w seems to be sharing more and more detail about her nights out with her gf. That's good even if it is hard to listen to sometimes. Stop imagining what those loser bar bums are thinking about. Your wife isn't going to hook up with any of them anytime soon if ever. LOL She hasn't fully worked through the issues yet but it sounds like she is progressing along quite well. Redoing her room, as rH said, is more than just redecorating. It's a reflection of what is happening inside. Making changes and making her feel better and more in control of what is going on inside of herself.

Your gal activities are making my head spin. You are going to be one well rounded catch for your wife or if necessary the next Mrs. Fy. I wouldn't expect the later based on the progress that you w is making.

As a wise man on these this forum says, "Keep Busting"!

[ForeverYoung]

I was thinking about you and W yesterday as I was musing on some of the things that H bought while he was out on his own. He completely outfitted his apartment with items from home and things he had bought.

I'll bet his bed didn't have as many pillows as W's has!

I'm sure there are chicks at your job and elsewhere who would like to hook up with YOU.

Wait, why am I just now learning this?

Your wife isn't going to hook up with any of them anytime soon if ever.

I agree, at least that's what it seems like now, but what's the chance her passion for me could return, when she's so convinced it was never there, and never will be? She won't touch me, says she never could sleep with me again.

There are so many pillows on her bed, there's no room for me!

This is the hardest part for me. Being M to a W who doesn't love me, and maybe never will. (like a W)

Every day I wonder if I'm holding out for something that'll never happen.

[Feenix]

FY,

So, I'm still a newbie to all this, but I do think that your W's passion for you can return!

Like someone else said, she's still working on herself. Maybe she can't focus on her physical feelings for you RIGHT NOW...but that doesn't mean she won't ever or that those feelings aren't there.

Remember, don't believe anything they SAY right now. She's NOT going to tell you if she feels passion toward you.

Before all this MLC crap happened in my marriage, I did go through a period a few years ago where I was just not attracted to my H anymore. We were going through a rough patch, and my negative feelings toward my H affected my passion for him. Guess what? It passed.

Honestly, I'm more attracted to him now than I ever was before.

She'll come around. I'll bet the feelings are still there. They're just buried. I think for a lot of women, if we're unhappy or sad or dealing with stuff, we put passion on the back burner. Hang in there!!

[reachingHigher]

I'll bet his bed didn't have as many pillows as W's has!

No doubt!

Wait, why am I just now learning this?

haha!

I agree, at least that's what it seems like now, but what's the chance her passion for me could return, when she's so convinced it was never there, and never will be? She won't touch me, says she never could sleep with me again.

Need I remind you that my H said the feeling was never coming back?

There are so many pillows on her bed, there's no room for me!

This is the hardest part for me. Being M to a W who doesn't love me, and maybe never will. (like a W)

Every day I wonder if I'm holding out for something that'll never happen.

True, it may not. And bunny is getting some attention and you are not.

But, I would say my H came back in the textbook way. Just like snodderly said. Pets first, then children, and last me.

But, FY, you don't have any kids so you will be missing that step.

Idk. I still see a lot of hope for you.

[RosaLinda]

rH this is so encouraging. Thanks. And we don't have any pets so maybe my H giving our S28 a bearhug while I greedily watched and wanted in on it is a good sign!

Forever, my H decided the exact same thing about me TWICE! He had never loved me, not for one second in the past 38 years. Then he loved me dearly, passionately and romantically. Now he is back to never loving me, and claims that he was just pretending to love me, but is tired of pretending. Give that man an oscar!

FY it is just MLC double talk. You KNOW your W loved you in the past. You know it. You would have noticed if she'd cut you off physically and emotionally for the past 30 years, wouldn't you have?

She loved you then, she loves you the best she can now, she will love you completely again. Yup!

[Notlikingthis]

Fy,

Most of them say that they're never coming back and they say it more than once! Read what rH sadd over and over again! My h said the same thing as recently as 2 months ago. When I talked to him yesterday after he and ow had what appears to be another big blowout he mumbled something about selling the house that he purchased 4 months ago and hinted that he could come back to the guest room here. Because he mumbled it I didn't respond. LOL

Anyway, the point is that they say things that they feel in the "right now" and don't always follow through with their declarations.

Angela is right when she says that women can sometimes temporarily lose their passion when there are other things on their mind or if they don't feel the closeness to their partner for whatever reason. It doesn't have to be anything even as traumatic as what your w is experiencing right now and it doesn't have to be that they're angry or upset at their h.

Hang in their and keep reading the threads of those that have reconciled. The mlcer can and many do a 180 but just as it took us awhile to do our 180's it will take them as long if not longer.

[AJM]

Angela is right when she says that women can sometimes temporarily lose their passion when there are other things on their mind or if they don't feel the closeness to their partner for whatever reason. It doesn't have to be anything even as traumatic as what your w is experiencing right now and it doesn't have to be that they're angry or upset at their h.

Yep. You'll often find that many are not angry at their H. They just take it out on them.


AJ

[THX-1138]

FY,
I was wondering if you have read the book "The Five Love Langauages", by Gary Chapman? I read it a few months ago and it helped me figure out how to make my W feel loved, with no pressure, and without realizing that I was doing anything different.

I wish I had read it years ago. I think my R would have turned out differently if I had.

Also, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" has helped me understand a lot of things.

[etc]

THX, what did you learn in particular and have you been applying the principles lately while going through D? I ask b/c one of my biggest goals right now regarding my W is to show her love and compassion even during the D process. This is tricky, b/c there must be absolutely no expectations and the love must be somewhat detached.

ETC

[ForeverYoung]

Thank you Angela, RH, RL and NLT for jumping in to give me hope that W's love for me is buried right now, and that passion can return or be found. I guess I'll just have to figure out a way to stick around a while longer to see what happens.

AJM, you are correct, W is not angry at me. Just cool and distant.

THX & etc: Yes, I read 5 LL more than a year ago. Good stuff, especially if your spouse is receptive. At least for now, mine is not. You both know that in a true MLC situation it's more about them, and the issues they need to resolve for themselves. Only after they work through this will they be able to accept our love/love us.

Still, like you, I believe we can show love without any pressure. This is what I've been doing and dare I say might be part reason why she is still here. I've not been in the D process, so can't speak in that regard.

I do know RH was only a few days away from finalizing her D, and look how her M turned around!