Hi Rose, just catching up and I am so so sorry to see the financial mess your H has left you in. I agree with Snodderly, these MLCers are just like kids, and want everything NOW! Never mind that a divorce is a long, drawn out, expensive proposition, H decided he wants one, being divorced is will give him some kind of closure or relief or something, so he should have it immediately.
I'm glad you were able to get the money together to pay the mortgage, and forwarded those emails and all to your lawyer. Foreclosure is a scary proposition. Can you maybe get a loan modification?
"I was talking and in the back of my mind I could hear myself saying you need to agree and validate and the other voice said NO WAY HE'S SCREWING YOUR KIDS I doubt he heard or even cares about anything I said. I guess I hoped I could reach him on a heart level but he has no heart right now so it's a mute point."
You're right Rose, about needing to validate (NOT necessarily agree) when your H talks. I'm not sure when your H's MLC started (I see that you just got the dreaded bomb in April) but think I remember you saying you were having troubles last winter and that you discussed divorce at that time? (Was that someone else?) Anyway, my point is that MLC is as long and drawn out as divorce and it looks like it hasn't even been going on for a year yet.
I'm no vet, but if my H's MLC journey is anything to judge by, (4 years and 2 months so far but who's counting ) your H will change his mind about many things, including divorce, his feelings for you, the boys, where he wants to live, multiple times, making your head spin.
It is hard to validate stupidity, especially when it is hurting your kids, but I think from what I've learned, that is the point of validation. You are not agreeing with what H says, and are also not making him feel stupid for what he is saying, even if that is how YOU feel. You are merely letting H know that you hear what he is saying, and understand. I am like a deer in the headlights when my H comes up with some off the wall statement (and you know he does that a lot ) so I mostly stick to "I'm sorry you feel like that" and "I can understand why you feel like that" rather than the "WTF" that I want to say!
I will join in your prayer for a miracle today, Rose. Right now. It's not a pipe dream, all things are possible with God, even having our crazy Hs and marriages turn around.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
) your H will change his mind about many things, including divorce, his feelings for you, the boys, where he wants to live, multiple times, making your head spin. 