Well I hope that's one change that will stay when he comes out of this fog and if he ever comes home MH, I need to to come here and declutter and clean for me please Just think of all that testosterone that you'll get out of your system
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
I think I'm going to end the last temptation to snoop, by splitting up our phone accounts. No good comes of it and it is harmful to my PMA.
W was in quite a mood tonight. Seemed very agitated and edgy, like she had something on her mind. Was upset about it being so late when she had to leave, but it was her idea to come over late and see a move that started at 10 PM, so....
I did very good. She got frustrated because I couldn't hear something she said during the movie, when she knows I can't hear quiet talking well in a noisy environment due to high frequency hearing loss, and I had told her tonight my ears are plugged and bothering me. On the plus side, she insisted on taking me to the ENT when I make another appt. I said I could make it on a Sat (since she's usually over here on weekends anyway), but she said just make it for the afternoon and she'd come over. That was nice of her to do that - my ENT doc is a 30 min drive and it's almost as far to get over here.
The other thing was driving to the movie, I was making small talk about how the yoga was good for my back, and finding time to exercise and do it was hard. Made a joke about finding time for that with all the TV and internet... she kind of snapped that I need to drop both and something I didn't quite catch about putting personal business on Facebook. I wasn't sure if she meant me specifically, or in general, so I shut up and said nothing for the rest of the drive. Now, she doesn't post much on FB (but she did remove her marital status a long time ago...). But... when it comes to the TV, she's the one that kept wanting me to keep recording shows we liked to watch.
Now I'm torn. I don't know if I should keep cable as it is and keep recording those shows to keep that connection and activity between us, or tell her I took her advice and dropped everything but basic cable - because I've been considering it many times because of the increased cost of this separation and the added thousands in credit card costs it already wracked up.
You sound like your in a pretty good place, your expectations are pretty in check for the circumstances.
Do you think at this point an extended NC, maybe a solid week or two, would help her realize she would be losing a lot more than she thinks? Or are you happy at this point that your getting the chance for her to see your 180's first hand?
Its sounds like you've done quite a bit of decluttering, have you thought about completely moving a couple of the rooms around by rearranging the furniture, giving it a new look? Kind of a fresh start within the same confines?
You've been thru this before, but didn't follow thru with the changes and your obviously here again. What are you doing this time to reinforce the changes? why different this time, that you got too/so complacent the first time?. Are your changes permanent this time? and why?
Whats her LL, with the handyman, could it be acts of service? Or was this just in response to the straw the broke the camels back, and she was looking to escape again? Or maybe its physical touch, and how are you addressing her in regards to her love language now? Have you tried, and looked for her responses to the LL attempts? Are there things that your testing and looking for a response, then adjusting as needed?
Other than cleaning the house and not losing your cool while driving, what are other 180's your doing. Obviously neither of you are perfect, you know your issues, what are your issues with her, other than the OM, and is she working on anything to address her own faults?
BTW after your done at TTD's place, I got a few rooms..........oh nm, you got enough on your plate.
I think as a 180, you keep the phones together, unless she asks to separate them. Know its shortcoming of yourself, its a free shot at your changes. Make the most of it. STOP doing it. Taking away the temptation takes your chance of a 180 out of your hands. Its for you, not her.
If she asks you to keep recording the shows, and you stop it, then you stop a connection. If YOUR recording the shows to keep the connection, and she's not asking you to, your having expectations.
You sound like your in a pretty good place, your expectations are pretty in check for the circumstances.
Thanks for the boost!
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Do you think at this point an extended NC, maybe a solid week or two, would help her realize she would be losing a lot more than she thinks? Or are you happy at this point that your getting the chance for her to see your 180's first hand?
I was pretty happy about it, but it's kind of wearing me down. I have been thinking a lot about pulling back a bit lately. I have my vacations days planned for the rest of the year. Thinking of taking some time to do some things by myself that will get me away from the sitch for a while. Added bonus if she misses me.
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Its sounds like you've done quite a bit of decluttering, have you thought about completely moving a couple of the rooms around by rearranging the furniture, giving it a new look? Kind of a fresh start within the same confines?
Yes, yes, yes!!! Started on my office tonight to burn off some steam after this evening's tribulations.
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You've been thru this before, but didn't follow thru with the changes and your obviously here again. What are you doing this time to reinforce the changes? why different this time, that you got too/so complacent the first time?. Are your changes permanent this time? and why?
I so, so, so hope so this time. Reason why is that I don't like who I had become and really want to change - for myself. What I'm doing is really putting myself into this stress reduction/pain management program. Taking the yoga and mediation seriously. Exercising and managing my health issues better. I have people looking out for me because I've put some of this "on the record" - ok, on FB, LOL. And when this program is done, I plan to join a yoga class to keep that going because I find I do better if there's a group. If it's just me and a DVD I find excuses to do other things. Like DIY projects and decluttering. Also, since I work from home, I plan to do some other group activities on a regular basis - whether it's volunteering or taking classes. Anything to get me out of the house because being cooped up at home too much was bad for both of us - me because of work and her because of an extended period of not having work.
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Whats her LL, with the handyman, could it be acts of service? Or was this just in response to the straw the broke the camels back, and she was looking to escape again? Or maybe its physical touch, and how are you addressing her in regards to her love language now? Have you tried, and looked for her responses to the LL attempts? Are there things that your testing and looking for a response, then adjusting as needed?
With OM she made so many references to him being nice and not able to get angry that I think it was just an escape from my anger/frustration. Right now I'm being very, very cautious because she made it clear she wanted companionship and not physical intimacy. Of course that doesn't necessarily rule out just a hug or something, but... I am so gun-shy I haven't attempted so much as a pat on the shoulder. But, she does seem to like acts of service. I try to do things for her as much as I can. I know she likes to be complemented, too. I used to be bad at not complementing her if she made a meal or something. I also assume, like many men, that things don't need to be said.... She's always been good at doing little things that show she was thinking of me - like if someone brought some candy in to work, bringing me a couple pieces. I have never been as good at that. I get caught up in the problem of the day and run on autopilot. I'm all over the place here. I really need to read the LL book. It's next on my list. I did skim it way back when, but I haven't studied it enough to put into practice.
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Other than cleaning the house and not losing your cool while driving, what are other 180's your doing. Obviously neither of you are perfect, you know your issues, what are your issues with her, other than the OM, and is she working on anything to address her own faults?
I'm very frustrated because I don't see her showing any indications that anything is her fault or that she needs to change anything about herself. There was that one message where she said she's sorry if she doesn't ever complement me - in reaction to me saying how good it felt that the drunk lady in the cab told me I was cute. And she has thanked me a couple times for taking her out to dinner. Unfortunately, we have some serious intimacy issues (sex) that go back to the start of our R, that obviously can't be dealt with right now. As DB coach Joanne said, we need to save the M now. We can work on those problems after.
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BTW after your done at TTD's place, I got a few rooms..........oh nm, you got enough on your plate.
Sure thing. I have all the time in the world. So much free time I'm bored.
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I think as a 180, you keep the phones together, unless she asks to separate them. Know its shortcoming of yourself, its a free shot at your changes. Make the most of it. STOP doing it. Taking away the temptation takes your chance of a 180 out of your hands. Its for you, not her.
I'm thinking you may be right. If I did that, I'd have to tell her, and I'd probably tell her it was because I was tired of seeing her texting OM constantly. There's a temptation I need to avoid!
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If she asks you to keep recording the shows, and you stop it, then you stop a connection. If YOUR recording the shows to keep the connection, and she's not asking you to, your having expectations.
Nah, I was all set to stop recording, and to eliminate digital cable and the DVR, but then she asked about it, and was glad and thanked me when I said I would record them. Since she has to come her to watch, that's probably a good thing.
I know that acceptance comes from facing our problems square on, no matter how bad the situation, rather than trying to avoid or pretend things are different than the reality. It was nice pretending that the texting had stopped, but a real breakthrough is when I can know that it hasn't (or better yet, not know anything about it because I'm not checking), yet still keep going about my business of DB/PMA/GAL as if. I don't like being plan B, but I didn't want to be the Ex, either.
Thank you so much for your honesty, I know its not always easy having to critique ourselves, especially when we make it feel so much like success or failure in our eyes.
My initial thought here is that, you failed to hold up after the first R. Its gonna take even longer this time to get your chance, if there is going to be one. In all honesty, I see some very encouraging signs, but its still so hard not to jump to conclusions or have some expectations. Your doing great at giving her time (minus the snooping), while working on yourself.
Like Johanne says, save the marriage first. Trust that. Don't consider yourself a plan B, just a failed plan A. you gave your wife no choice but to find a plan B. Your working on fixing that (again), its a lifetime of work. She came back once, it can happen again.
In regards to your frustrations at her lack of self reflection, its understandable. BUT, its still about your changes for now, you admit you still have work to do. I truly think that type of work is for the next stage, or R. Its hard not projecting your frustrations at the inactivity thou, just know that about yourself, and 180 it. When u get there, that's when the 5LL book becomes the MOST effective, cause now its working both ways.
Hey MH, I thought I was the only one who recorded shows that we both used to watch together. H comes round and depending what mood he's in, might stay and watch a half an hour show together. He also mentions now series of shows that we used to watch together and the other day reminded me of another new series that's just started. It's good to have these reminders as I would have forgotton them The latest series might be another one that is really funny and you'll probably like. It's called "citizen Khan". I also have problems with my ears in the way that you described. If there's a lot of background noise going on then I find it hard to have a conversation with the person I'm with, so frustrating! I have tinnitus in my right ear and slight hearing loss in my left ear, but not enough to warrant a hearing aid! I am also sensitive to high frequency noise, which when I had a hearing test done, I jumped when the high noises were played in my ear. There's nothing they can do about it unfortunately Anyway, back to your sitch. I think that you should separate the phones to stop yourself from snooping, it's bad for your well being. I've been really good lately and not gone to look on my H's FB wall for ages! Is the office your next project? Look forward to hearing more I think I need to tackle the ever growing paperwork on my computer desk. It seems to be breeding as well, lol.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
TTD, did you close your facebook acct. or just learn to stop looking cause you knew it was something you needed to address?
Have either of you tried putting the closed captioning on your TV's? I know I cant watch tv without it now, no matter how loud it gets in the room. Its takes a bit of getting used to, but I don't have anyone going "shhhh, now I missed what they said too".
Its getting late here, popped on after a wonderful dinner/evening out with my daughter. Mind if I read your thread tomorrow TTD? Hope all is well.
This is a hijack allowed zone. All conversation acceptable.
TTD, I have really bad tinnitus. One of the things my ENT clinic has is that training where they try to teach your brain to not listen to it (I think it's called TRT) and then the device that masks the sound. I need to get after them about it. When I first asked, all they did was set up endless hearing exams and followups to tell me what I already know. LOL. I have to listen to the TV or radio in order to get to sleep.
Fly, I did try having captioning on, esp. if I was watching at night when W was asleep. Usually I'm ok, but I do back up a lot for those "what did they say" moments? I've never been able to find a DVD player with the feature my very first one had - it had a "go back 30 seconds and turn on captioning for a few seconds" button. It was great!
Problem with movies today is there's far too much range between dialog and any kind of action or dramatic music. Some TVs/DVD players have "sound leveling" options, but I've found they muddle everything, or don't play well together with the different equipment.
And of course the theaters are so loud they are contributing to hearing loss even in young people (like us, lol). Even the darn jet-engine hand driers they are installing in the restrooms now are way to loud for ear safety. Of course the ear buds are the worst thing! Esp. for the youngsters who wear them all the time blasting music. Dang, I'm sounding old.
Since TTD, NQ and I do way to much TV viewing as GAL activity, anything related to TV/Movies/Entertainment is fair game. Oh, and food. Eating is a great GAL activity! LOL.
So is sleep, and the timestamp on this post will show that I've been up through the night. Ugh.
MH, I need to to come here and declutter and clean for me please 
On the plus side, she insisted on taking me to the ENT when I make another appt. I said I could make it on a Sat (since she's usually over here on weekends anyway), but she said just make it for the afternoon and she'd come over. That was nice of her to do that - my ENT doc is a 30 min drive and it's almost as far to get over here.
Also, since I work from home, I plan to do some other group activities on a regular basis - whether it's volunteering or taking classes. Anything to get me out of the house because being cooped up at home too much was bad for both of us - me because of work and her because of an extended period of not having work. 
