Taking the next step

[MileHigh]

You ask the tough questions, Fly! Here we go!

You sound like your in a pretty good place, your expectations are pretty in check for the circumstances.

Thanks for the boost!

Do you think at this point an extended NC, maybe a solid week or two, would help her realize she would be losing a lot more than she thinks? Or are you happy at this point that your getting the chance for her to see your 180's first hand?

I was pretty happy about it, but it's kind of wearing me down. I have been thinking a lot about pulling back a bit lately. I have my vacations days planned for the rest of the year. Thinking of taking some time to do some things by myself that will get me away from the sitch for a while. Added bonus if she misses me.

Its sounds like you've done quite a bit of decluttering, have you thought about completely moving a couple of the rooms around by rearranging the furniture, giving it a new look? Kind of a fresh start within the same confines?

Yes, yes, yes!!! Started on my office tonight to burn off some steam after this evening's tribulations.

You've been thru this before, but didn't follow thru with the changes and your obviously here again. What are you doing this time to reinforce the changes? why different this time, that you got too/so complacent the first time?. Are your changes permanent this time? and why?

I so, so, so hope so this time. Reason why is that I don't like who I had become and really want to change - for myself. What I'm doing is really putting myself into this stress reduction/pain management program. Taking the yoga and mediation seriously. Exercising and managing my health issues better. I have people looking out for me because I've put some of this "on the record" - ok, on FB, LOL. And when this program is done, I plan to join a yoga class to keep that going because I find I do better if there's a group. If it's just me and a DVD I find excuses to do other things. Like DIY projects and decluttering. Also, since I work from home, I plan to do some other group activities on a regular basis - whether it's volunteering or taking classes. Anything to get me out of the house because being cooped up at home too much was bad for both of us - me because of work and her because of an extended period of not having work.

Whats her LL, with the handyman, could it be acts of service? Or was this just in response to the straw the broke the camels back, and she was looking to escape again? Or maybe its physical touch, and how are you addressing her in regards to her love language now? Have you tried, and looked for her responses to the LL attempts? Are there things that your testing and looking for a response, then adjusting as needed?

With OM she made so many references to him being nice and not able to get angry that I think it was just an escape from my anger/frustration. Right now I'm being very, very cautious because she made it clear she wanted companionship and not physical intimacy. Of course that doesn't necessarily rule out just a hug or something, but... I am so gun-shy I haven't attempted so much as a pat on the shoulder. But, she does seem to like acts of service. I try to do things for her as much as I can. I know she likes to be complemented, too. I used to be bad at not complementing her if she made a meal or something. I also assume, like many men, that things don't need to be said.... She's always been good at doing little things that show she was thinking of me - like if someone brought some candy in to work, bringing me a couple pieces. I have never been as good at that. I get caught up in the problem of the day and run on autopilot. I'm all over the place here. I really need to read the LL book. It's next on my list. I did skim it way back when, but I haven't studied it enough to put into practice.

Other than cleaning the house and not losing your cool while driving, what are other 180's your doing. Obviously neither of you are perfect, you know your issues, what are your issues with her, other than the OM, and is she working on anything to address her own faults?

I'm very frustrated because I don't see her showing any indications that anything is her fault or that she needs to change anything about herself. There was that one message where she said she's sorry if she doesn't ever complement me - in reaction to me saying how good it felt that the drunk lady in the cab told me I was cute. And she has thanked me a couple times for taking her out to dinner. Unfortunately, we have some serious intimacy issues (sex) that go back to the start of our R, that obviously can't be dealt with right now. As DB coach Joanne said, we need to save the M now. We can work on those problems after.

BTW after your done at TTD's place, I got a few rooms..........oh nm, you got enough on your plate.

Sure thing. I have all the time in the world. So much free time I'm bored.

I think as a 180, you keep the phones together, unless she asks to separate them. Know its shortcoming of yourself, its a free shot at your changes. Make the most of it. STOP doing it. Taking away the temptation takes your chance of a 180 out of your hands. Its for you, not her.

I'm thinking you may be right. If I did that, I'd have to tell her, and I'd probably tell her it was because I was tired of seeing her texting OM constantly. There's a temptation I need to avoid!

If she asks you to keep recording the shows, and you stop it, then you stop a connection. If YOUR recording the shows to keep the connection, and she's not asking you to, your having expectations.

Nah, I was all set to stop recording, and to eliminate digital cable and the DVR, but then she asked about it, and was glad and thanked me when I said I would record them. Since she has to come her to watch, that's probably a good thing.

I know that acceptance comes from facing our problems square on, no matter how bad the situation, rather than trying to avoid or pretend things are different than the reality. It was nice pretending that the texting had stopped, but a real breakthrough is when I can know that it hasn't (or better yet, not know anything about it because I'm not checking), yet still keep going about my business of DB/PMA/GAL as if. I don't like being plan B, but I didn't want to be the Ex, either.