Since Friday morning, this has been such a whirlwind! First W inviting me over for breakfast, walking around half naked, talking for 2 hours, to seeking me out Friday night at our town fun day - today was more low-key. W texted me to tell me she was taking step-kids into practice some orthodontic stuff on them; I went to S11's football game.
Been thinking a lot tonight: after a Friday where she was very open with me, and said she still wasn't sure about divorce, and hugged me several times, and flirted with me - I don't even know if I want this anymore. I believe wholly in my vows and commitment, but am maybe ready to let her go. I felt this way last week, and waited because a few people said it might be a false alarm, but I still feel that way.
Here's why: W had asked me to watch step-kids so she could go to a mutual friend's birthday party, then she bailed saying she didn't feel good, although she felt fine enough to take kids to pet store, dollar store, and run around. When I found out she wasn't going to go, I asked her to keep S5 because I was going to have 9 kids under the age of 10 + a baby, with only 2 adults. W threw a fit, said I was disappointing S5, that I was putting other "brats" ahead of my own, and she'd see me in court. What I think REALLY was the problem was W wanted a quiet night all to herself, and I completely believe she planned this. I DBed like a champ; explained the situation, told her I understood how she could see it that way, and that if she would work with me to make him behave, I'd consider taking him. I got there, and she was laughing, and joking with S5, and bouncing around, and as soon as I asked her why she didn't feel good, she got real sober, and said her head was hurting really badly, and then she didn't act fun anymore. I guess this is open to interpretation, but I believe she completely faked it because she hasn't had a night with no kids in about 3 weeks. So she ditched a wonderful friend to sit at home and watch TV, and used me to make it happen by threatening divorce.
I am so blessed with tons of friends, beautiful kids, a great extended family, close with God, a fantastic church, a great career - why am I torturing myself hanging around waiting for the slightest positive glance to come my way by someone who blames me for all their problems? Someone who refuses to even put in the slightest bit of effort to fix their own issues? Someone who has treated their family, parents, friends, and husband like dirt? What crosses the line of being a doormat/used, and being a loving patient husband?
