A Fresh, New Day

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks willbwell. I know how he is, really, it just came right after my H rebuffed me so it stung a little more than it should have.

And yes!! Sing out loud!! Good for you.

On another note, within the span of 15 mins:
-My bookstore called to say my DR copy was in - YAY!
-My H left vm that he won't be home until 9 or so 2nite - BOO!(But I did not acknowledge it in any way, nor did I obsess over it like normal -so YAY!)
-Got in the car to leave work and what comes on the radio? Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It?" LOL, that actually made me laugh at the timing of it all. Sheesh.

On the second bullet, I told myself that I didn't care what he was doing because I really don't like the person he is right now and I cannot control it. So he can just do what he wants with whom he wants because it is all irrelevant to me. There was a lot more talk on this to myself but not worthy of board posting

[Dragon Heart]

On the second bullet, I told myself that I didn't care what he was doing because I really don't like the person he is right now and I cannot control it. So he can just do what he wants with whom he wants because it is all irrelevant to me. There was a lot more talk on this to myself but not worthy of board posting

I was just wondering what you're doing to fill your time this weekend. As I am separated, I don't know what my W is up to to (or with whom). I know I cannot control it, but it still eats me up. She could be sitting in her apartment alone watching movies or far, far worse. When I am alone with my thoughts, it just eats me up. I don't know if your sitch. is better or worse. You seem to be working towards finding a better place than I am. I suppose I did not really start to grieve until recently as I always held out hope W would return.

[Pudmuddle]

I don't have a lot going on weekends usually. A group of friends I used to hang out with has kind of disbanded, one of them is moving out of state and then the others hung out just to drink and be angry and bitter about people so that got old. I stopped hanging out with them last year because it got so depressing. I working on finding new friends to do stuff with. If worst comes to worst I may just get dolled up and go out to a movie by myself or something.

I also have to finish up painting my cabinets and will then probably start painting something else. I have really wanted to spruce up our house, so I can do that by myself.

H is already gone this morning when I woke up and S said he was looking for a new kickboxing place since our current place is stopping their classes at the end of the month. He could be doing that but I'm not sure I believe it. But I have to not care. It's only that we used to do things together on weekends and it just feels sad.

It is very hard, Dragon, to not keep your mind from spinning and thinking. Even in my sleep I awake with strange dreams and thoughts about H and OW. But honestly I am so tired of being sad, and it feels good at times just to be away from his anger and critical emotions. I kind of feel like I can do what I want now without being judged or hearing harsh words from him.

It's interesting because he used to watch the bills and money like a hawk and now no matter what I spend he says nothing. There are more behaviors, things he used to do that he no longer does, which is how I know he is just not in his right mind right now.

There is a very positive person with a great sense of humor inside me that I haven't see for years and I finally feel like she is coming up again. I have missed her.

Find your positive person Dragon. I know it's difficult when someone has smushed your heart and broken it into many pieces. It's very hard for me too, I am just trying to be me and be happy again. Especially after the last time and my H said he would never do something like a PA ever again because of the way it hurt me, and here I am again.

I know if he ever comes back, I may not be ready for that this time. There will have to be lots of work between us before I would consider this. I have often thought if it got to that point I may just tell him I'm glad you are ready now, but I am not sure I want you, the person you have become. But that's how I feel right now because I am still angry and hurt.

So probably more than you asked but I still have lots of hurt to get out too.

[Pudmuddle]

Got the final coat of paint on my cabinet doors! Woot! Now they just have to dry and then put them back on and then I am done with that project!

I asked my S if he wanted to go see a movie later today. He said Maybe, but I kind of want dad to go. I said Well if he comes back later we can ask him.

then I said Just remember your Dad is on a journey for himself and he needs to find out what makes him happy. So sometimes we just have to leave him alone, ok?

My S son Ok. he didn't seem alarmed by this which was good. He is a very sensitive kid so I know he knows his Dad is different right now. Sigh. Love that kid.

Going to take my dog on a jog. Later peeps.

Sometimes I wish I could hang out with the people on here!

[woody112]

I think you handled that quite well! You have a coolness about you.

[Pudmuddle]

I have to have a coolness for my S.

When we got home from the movie, H was here and S talked about the movie. We went to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. LOL, yes my S is 16 but he still loves that stuff. Plus it was a funny movie, made us both laugh.

I couldn't bring myself to talk with H about the movie. I just felt sad. Sad that he couldn't be there with us, sad that he gives me no acknowledgement anymore. But then I went up to my room to practice my guitar.

So I still have my uncool moments! LOL

It's day 4 of detaching, removing myself from the room and not hugging and kissing. :P It hurts. So far he has come up to my room twice to ask about something. Then he put a shirt of mine away and commented on how organized my closet is. He thought they were organized by color and I laughed and said no not really. H said sure looks organized like that! and chuckled.

Gosh I miss him.

[Feenix]

Pudmuddle,

I caught up on the last couple of days of your posts. You are handling yourself so well....such grace and strength.

Sorry about the hugs/kisses thing. My H does the same thing, and I keep gently pushing it. I should take your coach's advice and just lay off. (Although, in my sitch, we're still in the same bedroom and still having $*x....so it seems really screwed up to not hug...)

Anyway, when I read your posts, I admire you so much. I'm learning some good lessons from you on how to behave better. I had a HORRIBLE week where I went right back into hissy fit, crying, yelling woman (I think it's hormones, but still! ugh!)...so I came to read your stuff and get back on track.

And, one of my S's is the same way on the hugs, so I just joke about it....get a smile out of him. At least your son does know that you love him. You seem to be doing a great job at explaining things to your S.

Hope the rest of your weekend goes well!

Angela R

[MileHigh]

Great job on the cabinets! Although for me it brings up bad memories - the cabinets were the last thing painted at our new house and then were were almost ready to move in. I was going to do it, as we've always done our own painting. But, this time I decided we deserved a break and so we hired someone to paint... The painter becoming the OM really put me off painting....

DIY projects and decluttering are my main GAL activities. Good thing they seem to be never-ending!

[Dragon Heart]

I'm glad to see you were able to find something to do. It's also nice to see you could spend some quality time with your S.

Detaching when you work with your W or live with your H is such a grey area and difficult at the best of times. I have not initiated contact since papers were filed. At first she seemed to respond almost immediately. Now it has been quiet. No text or email from her and the only phone call about work.

It seems hard to believe anything can fill the emptiness.

[Pudmuddle]

AWw thanks Angela, that made my day to hear you were getting motivated by lil ol' me. I'm reeeeeeeeally trying!

There have been few moments where I just want to shout out loud to him and use all the words I have in my vocabulary but I have pulled back.

I cooked a dinner in the crockpot today, something which I didn't do often, so is a 180. I know how to cook, just stopped doing it. I think the family was glad to have a nice warm dinner. I got a hand pat and I love you from my son after he ate which was very sweet. My H didn't say anything so I said Hey did the chicken turn out ok? then he said Yeah it turned out good, it was good. It's something.

Then while we were watching tv, I was looking at him without him knowing and I said Do you know...(really loud but not mean), he still didn't look me in the eye, but kind of gave me a sideways glance. Then I finished saying You look handsome today all scruffy. He kind of smirked a little. I said yeah, scruffy beard, torn jeans, looks cool. But then shortly after that I noticed he was talking more to me about what was on tv. Small positive.

It felt good for me to give him a compliment since I cannot give him a hug right now.

So I watched tv a bit more then decided I needed to detach and went upstairs to my room to read. I want him to miss me!! Darnit.