Attraction, oxytocin, and limerence

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I want to talk about some related ideas starting with want is listed as rule 24 in Sandi2's rule (I tried to find the original source in DR, but gave up)

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

Many of "the rules" could follow from the concept of pulling back.

A related concept is "whoever cares the least in a relationship is in control". Does this have to be true? Could you act as if you care less and gain control?

But are there things we can DO to pull back? What about being the one to always end conversations? (Ending phone conversations is part of rule 2 btw) but end all conversation .. Phone, in person, text, or otherwise

What else can we DO to pull back?

[MrBond]

I don't understand your question.

You can basically pull back by GAL and detaching.

"A related concept is "whoever cares the least in a relationship is in control". Does this have to be true?

Not necessarily. I've seen it happen both ways.

"Could you act as if you care less and gain control?"

Gain control over whom? Yourself or your spouse? Either way you can't control what your spouse is going to do or how they are going to react.

The better rule to follow is to do what works. If giving space helps, do some of that, if staying closer helps, do that. Every sitch is different. Therefore every action is different. One LBS might end the conversation early and their WAS might "wonder" what the LBS is doing, and in another case the LBS might end it early and the WAS really doesn't care or is happy that the LBS has found someone else.

[labug]

Did you say you were an engineer?

All of what you say could be true and it can be untrue, depending on the situation. I just read Bond's post, pretty much what I just said.

Leave her be, let her figure it her life out.

[2ndtimearoundCA]

Not an engineer, but I get your point. Thanks. .. Here is what I understand to be true.

We try something new that we think might help in our situation. If we get a positive result, then keep doing that. If we get a negative result, then stop.

I am just looking for ideas of things to try; things that have worked for others in similar situatuations...

[labug]

Backing off and letting her figure it out, creating a life for yourself separate from W, being so happy in that life that it exudes from every pore, realizing that she's not necessary for you to be happy.

A quote, don't remember the source:

People have got to walk the path and figure it out on their own. Pippen never wore the ring, but he supported Frodo the ENTIRE WAY in his journey to take the ring back to Rivendell.

Don’t do the work for others, or else they will never learn. Support them and hold them up, but we’ve all got our own karma to work our on our own

Support doesn't mean you are physically supporting or even physically present. You can support from your heart and be 1000s of miles away.

Those are things that work and sometimes marriages are saved.

[Starsky309]

I want to talk about some related ideas starting with want is listed as rule 24 in Sandi2's rule (I tried to find the original source in DR, but gave up)

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

Many of "the rules" could follow from the concept of pulling back.

A related concept is "whoever cares the least in a relationship is in control". Does this have to be true? Could you act as if you care less and gain control?

But are there things we can DO to pull back? What about being the one to always end conversations? (Ending phone conversations is part of rule 2 btw) but end all conversation .. Phone, in person, text, or otherwise

What else can we DO to pull back?

I'm not sure if this is even from DR/DB. The "push/pull" dynamic is discussed in many, many relationship books -- Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" comes to mind -- but I don't recall this being strictly a DB concept. It's IMPLIED in the "no pursuit!" DB concept, however.

I think it's just basic human dynamics: people want what they can't have; they value most what is most difficult to acquire.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

OK, I'm confused. I thought Pippin wore the ring when Jordan helped him win it? Maybe three of 'em?


Starsky

[2ndtimearoundCA]

The Lord of The Rings and the Chicago Bulls from two decades ago in the same thought?.. Wow

[2ndtimearoundCA]

I have just begun a period of NC with my w in my situation. Who knows how long it will last.

In the mean time I thought I would reopen this thread.

Here is a thought ... What if certain aspects of people's situations could be roughly categorized. Suppose that for people in category A, we can see that doing action X tends to lead to a more positive outcome than not doing action X.

There is already some of this in the DR and DB books. But more could be done. There are enough situations being detailed in this forum and others that some very useful research could be performed.

Thoughts?