NEW LIFE / NEW ME - TAKING OFF!

[Fartiltre]

W called three times in a row around 2PM. I called back and she asked if they could come earlier since they had planned to visit neighbors but they were not at home.
They arrived at 2.15PM

We baked some buns, did homemade lemonade, D6 cut some flowers in the garden for me, harvested a few carrots, W and D6 played a little while I fooled around with D4, played a videogame all four together and much more….they left at 5.30PM

It was a nice time but there’s an elephant in the room and it’s big.

D6 was crying a lot when they left. She said it was because she didn’t win the videogame but I felt there’s more to it. Either she was tired or just sad about leaving.
D4 told me that she missed me as they left!

The awkward feeling was there at first but much less than usual and almost gone when they left.
It was great to see the Ds and I kept my focus almost entirely on them.
W said she thinks the house looks great and wanted a tour, so I gave her one.
She was very positive and enthusiastic all the time.
When they left she asked the girls if it had been a good time and when they said yes – she said that she thought so as well.
I didn’t hug W when they arrived but she positioned herself so I practically ran in to her when they left. (This is exactly what I did at first in sit – it was like observing myself )
We haven’t discussed anything but children.
She did tell me about some things she wants to do with them and things they have done.
Except the goodbye hug there has been no touching at all.
I do not read anything into her sayings and doing except her wanting more cake.

I believe I was able to keep a high PMA – I have been laughing and smiling a lot. My eye contact still s!cks but it is getting better. I haven’t asked W about anything but the subjects she have brought up and I haven’t initiated anything but children’s-talk.
Writing this I am hurting because it is so obvious that children are supposed to have two parents around them. At the same time I love this woman and it drains me to act this way around her! I just feel like giving her the biggest hug and sitting close to her in the sofa for the entire evening.
I am tired and exhausted right now.

W texted me 15 min after they left “Thanks for a nice afternoon. They both fell asleep in the car :-)”
I didn’t reply to this one.

I will rest for an hour now and then I have GAL to attend.