Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

[MyNewStrength]

No talking at all. I just wish he would leave me alone. My lawyer is recommending sending to him through his lawyer so that the badging would stop. However, I don't want to come off as weak and meek. So I will propose new language for the letter to the lawyer this morning.

Apparently he is moving to an apartment and he wants to have the PSA signed by then because without a PSA he cannot file for a divorce until 1 year after the separation date. He wants to be able to file in 6 months. I did not respond and don't intend to other than through my lawyer. I am not doing that to piss him off, but just to get him to stop the attacks. Until he can respect me as a human being, I do not wish to speak with him. He blame is towards me. He had an affair in 2009 and I took him back. He had an affair this year while we were still reconciling and he blames our arguing on me, not on the affair!!!

The one thing I have not said here is that I believe everything he says. He is DONE. I feel I must give up even though I don't want to but maybe it is God's way of telling me no more. I have prayed and meditated. I have been reflecting on me and what I did or didn't do to contribute to the breakdown.

He is being so incredibly forceful towards me that I am weakening. I have spent the last 12 years in this house that WE built. He does not care about me at all and that is the most difficult thing to accept.

[25yearsmlc]

MNS

Sweetie, if you KNOW you want to quit, so be it. We all have different tolerance levels and you have every right to feel badly about all this.

But did you notice, again, that you answered none of my questions? What's up with that?

[MyNewStrength]

25yearsmlc - I do apologize for not answering. I tend to "go off" in my thinking and just write what I am feeling. I SO appreciate the support here at DB and I cannot tell you how blessed I am that you are posting on my thread. I know that you have other questions to me in another post, but I wanted to post responses to these:

Of course I am presuming you DO have a L, right? And how long can they really take "perusing" the PSA?

Yes, I do have a lawyer. Based on my meetings/discussions with her, my H does NOT have grounds to divorce me, and as a result her cannot file for a D for 1 year from separation if he does NOT have a PSA in place. With a PSA, he can file within 6 months of separation. So the PSA shortens the time to file for a D.

Can you now recall some of those things? And is he correct in saying you two argued a lot?

I can recall some of or arguments and discussions. Prior to 2009, we had a lot of arguments about both he and myself. He complained that I was hell bent on being unhappy because I was dismissive of people and that I held on to anger. I complained that he took me for granted and didn't support me. It was a cycle for about 1 year. Before he left in 2009, I sought counseling for the anger and discovered that I was repressing my abusive past with my father and grandfather. In relationships I had prior to my H, I did not have a desire for them to last. When I met my H, that changed. I WANTED to be with him, he opened my eyes for the first time. He cared about my well-being.

I really did come through counseling and dealing with the past abuse and confronted my father on his abuse. I told my mother and my sisters finally after keeping it hidden for years. It was what I needed to move forward and I lost all desire to be angry. In my H message, you also noted the calm discussions since that time, because I did not have a desire to be angry. We reconciled the first time during my recovery of anger. The discussions we have had over this past year was always how we were doing, spending time together until he disclosed in August that he was unhappy yet again and HE wanted to talk about the R. We talked but he was already having an affair.

From your own words, I sensed a lot of dissatisfaction expressed by you to him so I assume there were fights. Is that what he's referring to?

Prior to 2009, we had a lot of arguments about both he and myself. He complained that I was hell bent on being unhappy because I was dismissive of people and that I held on to anger. I complained that he took me for granted and didn't support me. But then, he had an affair then as well. This last 2 years, I have spent being a better wife and listener. We have always talked with calm and care over the last 2 years and HE said WAS happy and things seemed to be going great until August, when I found out that he may have been seeing someone. I guess how can you be working on a marriage if you spending time emotionally attaching yourself to someone other than your spouse?

What would you change in yourself if you two were to reconcile?

I would learned to understand more of his emotional triggers for love and connection. I think he is lacking that from me. He also said he wanted someone to talk to - I thought I was always available to talk and we DID talk. Maybe I was not always a good listener.

[MyNewStrength]

BUMP^^

[MyNewStrength]

Okay

For some reason, my H's cell phone bill arrived in the mail today at our home. He previously received it electronically, but it arrived by mail today. I have not opened it and I am not sure if I should??

[MrCAS]

I think if you had to ask the question then you know what the answer is...

[MrCAS]

The answer would be "No".

It will serve you no good purpose to do that. It will show your H nothing other than you were snooping.

What a great 180 to show him to be able to hand him his unopened bill.

Just thinking...

[MyNewStrength]

The evolving part of me says it is not important to me to know by snooping. I am being a better me and not allowing my H actions (or inactions) to swing my feelings about myself or life. However, the LBS in me wants to rip it open and see what he has been up to. It is as almost this was a test of my strength and where I see my future self. I mean he has NEVER received a paper invoice of his bill, but it just showed up yesterday.

I will not open it. I want to just be a new me. No pain, no worries (or at least I can hope )

[MrCAS]

Hey MNS...

You are not feeling anything that a lot of us are feeling or have felt in our journeys. I would bet dollars to donuts on that, although given the price of donuts lately that is not the great bet it used to be...

I know, speaking only for me, that I have heard everything from my W that you are hearing from your H. It is nothing but textbook WAS script.

You can go back and read over my previous threads and see I walked the same path. The disbelief... the pain... the anger. While I accept my role of the breakdown of my M, my W still insists on laying all the issues at the feet of others. It was a lot of work for me to exorcise the inner demons that haunted me.

I know that I am a lot better today than I was a year ago. People have seen the changes. People around me have commented about it. I am evolving into a man that only a fool would leave. I like me. I haven't been able to say that for a very long time.

YOU can get there, girl! You have the ability. You have a wealth of knowledge and experience at your disposal on this site. You have the power to change... to evolve... to blossom.

I kicked the LBS side in me to the curb. He was becoming a distraction.

[MyNewStrength]

Thank you MrCas for your insight and clarity.

Good Sunday Morning.

The debate over the wireless bill is over. I did not open, nor will I open. I will put it in his stack of bills.

I had a long crying fit early this morning just thinking about everything all over again. I know, my very own pity party. I know that I will have these from time to time, but I did not allow it to overcome my day. I got up, prayed and will be on my way. After church, I have to get out on my deck and remove all of the dead flowers in pots and winterize. I want to repaint the floor of the garage (whether I decide to stay here or not), but that might be an activity for next weekend.

I am trying and working towards getting better and stronger.

He has not called me at all, no emails...nothing since Monday. I want to reach out, but I know I have to be strong and I want to avoid being hurt by his words. He was all "gun ho" to tell me that he is done and that he is willing to pay tens of thousands of dollars for this marriage to be over. And no menacing emails, no calls? What is he planning?