yeah, i know about the peice of paper. he may feel like he's a single guy- idk what he can be thinking. (or doing)
we were/are a "marriage" - except i know it and he doesn't.
it's alllll such manufactured blame and crap- wonder if he'll ever see it that way - or shake it off. it makes me
he's such a doofis about this stuff- his emotional stuntation about his stinking mother & father. what a mess of a life - but hey, he's a big boy now and one would think capable of reasonable thought and responsible action. YOU'D THINK anyway...
what a mess in that brain of his. he doesn't know it or think it- . me, i'd say the inside of his head is like that plate of wet food stuff that accidentally falls on the icky old brown shag carpet- face down - lots of added hair & debris- you know- a sickening jumble.
i'm so tired tonite- those little kids are cute but a real killer - the constant interaction. give me even the middle school goons over these little guys. they wear me out. maybe if i ever spent enough time with them and got accustomed to it- it would make sense. feels like running in place - fast - all day. no time to digest & focus & get going in one direction - whew. i have immense respect for people who teach these little buggers.
ya have to be doing something every minute - while they're pecking you to death with questions and show ya and so on.
i feel in a giant jumble . wish i had something new and exciting to say. worked four days- so yay. worked several evenings with neice on her various papers due- reading the crucible- good for my brain i'd say.
not much else. i'm lots better at not being mad when im so tired i can't see straight. so much for maturity- but hey, it looks like maturity. and i'd (philosophically) always desire to be reasonable and calm. i just don't manage it sometimes.
my h manufactured alot of dpey , super minute wierd criticisms too - really low blows sometimes. i can't believe - he believed it all - or does believe it now. what idiots.
sorry- i do call names, just can't help it- what can i say???
at least i manage not to call him names (mostly).
i'm soooo pooped of being by self & bored. if i thought for one minute i was ready to find another man- i'd look - but then, i don't necessarily beliee in "man hunt" either. more the "will happen if it's meant to" . ya think???
so- me and the christian radio in the morning. weird huh? maybe God's tryn to tell me to get my butt to church. ya have to wnder.
ok i'm going to find something to eat and drink- stomach growling and i'm bored.
i'm not sure what the heck i want. i sure KNOW him better than anyone else alive and i never felt attracted or inspired to cheat - that much is sure , while with him.
it was my plan to grow old with him- i sure cannot stretch my brain to think how i'd find someone with the good stuff about him- but this cheating & lying is sure a big dose of bad stuff- and him thinking he's 19 again and a young happinen guy- will it end? idk- it'd hae to before i can figure it out. i reckon if he gets normal before i find someone else that seems wonderful. i'm not thinking it'll be likely or easy- but ya never know - i'd live with him til the end & get over it all. if i find something else better and more fun & love, etc. befor3e he outgrows his big fat mlc- i'd say i'll never see his face again. a crap shoot for him- do ya feel lucky punk? well, do ya???
gonna go have a ice coffee at normal sis - see ya later. xxoo
