I cannot tell you how much I relate to that. i think many of the people who post here are not traditional/conventional. But our MLC partners loved us, and when you are being different in a world that is often hostile to difference, being loved and celebrated is very important.
Me too. On the one hand, he celebrated how I was different and seemed to love me for it because he was different too--but tried desperately to BE what everyone wanted him to be. On the other hand, he resented how I was OK with being who I was and went with it.
I miss that feeling of being accepted, flaws and all. HOw can someone accept and reject you all at once. It was a toss up, as the marriage went on, which H I would face each day. The one who didn't like me or the one who loved me for who I was.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
yeah- rite???? is this the worst thing that is EVER likely to happen to us or what??? that being said- maybe we'll never ever ever go thru THIS again because we will never feel free to let loose like we did when we were dopey & niave.?? oh well huh? good news and bad news.
glad you got a laugh- what else are we here for? it's such a boost to even have a laugh some days- we'll take it- rite??
the kids at school sure are a mixed batch of nuts. i swear - objectively it's pretty funny- subjectively, i wonder how htey got the way they are and what the heck the answer is.
it's amazing how disorderly the whole thing seems to me. but then, i come from home & law offices- what th3 heck do i know(really) about getting togethr tons of young adults/kids in one building???
it's something else. it was a good day- and i'll take it. now to go find some pants for mom (she's swimming in her old cloths)
OH YEAH- LOIS & WORLD - GUESS WHAT???? MY other sister found the old teeth (which i spent a week searching for before taking her to get new ones made a couple months ago)
under the kitchen counter(?) where the cleaning supplies are(?) in a little glass of water and some kind of cleaning "teabag" cholorox or something??? waaay in the back!!
you're nice to say it. i do actually feel like i'm a swell companion, life - mate, etc. it's just - who gets to be the lucky recipient. i have analyzed self & world & sitch & r tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo darn much. i'm having permission from self to just be "inert" for the moment because honestly- you talk about spinning wheels. i've spun myself in to such a hole of psychoanalysis i can't even see "up" some days.
it's got to stop- i need to regain some composure if i'm not going to explode. this mother junk is a major snaggle in my road. it's got to be somehow normalized before i can proceed with any darn thing.
or so it feels. working is very darn good- neutral time where i earn money- get around new tons of people- laugh & DO NOT THINK one single minute about h or mother.
that is a major good thing in my existence.
the worry over future- i'm workin at keeping it at bay- it's there lurking in the edges tho. how long- how drastic - what if this or that - who is going where when, etc.
not optimum. maybe in life i'm more of a "reactor" than an actor. i may be lazy - or uninspired or wise or prudent or who knows what???
i'm all of the above i'm sure. until i "know my way" i'm very unlikely to DO anything big or sudden. it's just who i am. some days it's sickening, my endurance. and for what? i'm askin ya???
then i realize any big old gesture would merely be for the moment of bravado or "revenge" - then the moment would pass, and i'd be old me sitting here thinking i could have/should have been more prepared, prudent, stealthy, whatever.
BUT HEY every day (and there are alot lately) that i do not feel like a total pile of you-know what, and do not have "the fog", or AAAAAANGER - OUT OF CONTROL - i think is a good one at this point.
i'm not askin for that much in life - but it's something i can't just "go get" rite now. that is the REAL problem.
impatience. oh well huh???alive, sane, healthy , nice, etc.
i guess i'll take it.
xxo i'm tired from work- these kids are nuts - but fun too i guess- or at least entertaining..... at the highschool for three days -
Thanks again so much for having us, your home was welcoming and you are a rare gem.
You asked me if I really mean it when I express my anger. Do I really feel it to the end, life threatening and all. It's been a question that's been haunting me for a few days now and I can honestly say, no.
I have looked inside myself and saw that my anger is pure pain turned inside out. When I am so angry that I lash out verbally, I am in so much pain, I can't stand it and I want it gone.
This weekend has been very soul searching for me and I have had to look inside. It was also good to be on the outside looking back and really seeing my life. I have a good life to come home to.
I do have to learn how to sit and really hear the words, and not react to the actions that I create in my mind. The words that come out of his mouth are very telling. STFU huh!
I know you were maybe not ready for a rush of harsh truths, but I thank you for letting us all meet and get out of it what we each needed.
oooxxx dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i'm glad to hear you sounding good with your life - and see it differently - it does sound like at least your h knows he's "going thru" something. i'd give quite alot to hear those words. your guy has at least a notion of which way he wants it allll to go and he has stated with clarity he wants to remain married to you and have his life with you & his family. . .
i think alot of my own anger is exactly same as yours - my frustration at being in this sitch - TOTALLLLY UNABLE TO FIX it or him in any way (yeah- work on me - NOT QUITE AS satisfactory as it just going away- h "waking up" , or the sitch being rectified in any way significant. etc) i'm just still sitting around waiting on h - i can't imagine i can do this forever. yet i do one more day, and one more day. just like with my mother.
I know i need to do something BIGGER HERE to get my brain to be at peace with just having a lousy life for awhile (or maybe forever) til i'm totally at peace with these pricklie problems and relationships. like- i keep telling myself perhaps since i've been pretty much happy for 60 years that is all one can expect realistically- and i need to just take my turn at being all jacked up here. i don't know how people spend a lifetime going in and out of relationships. i think if i did all this stuff when i was young- it would have warped me somehow.
i'm hoping with maturity & what i know now I'll somehow rise above it all - (sometime... (soon?) we hope.
this "inability' and having patience just gets me down. top it off with my mother & wacky sister- eeeeek. i know at this moment in life i'm "in over my head" here with the stressors and i NEEEED TO somehow let some of it go - OR ALL OF IT.
WTF??? i don't seem to want to jump in and boot any one of them out of my life. can't seem to do it - for final & good. - THEY'RE all part of my whole life it seems- how the heck do you divorce your family? if i didn't have to interact with them- i guess it would just simmer a bit and fade away- instead it's still constant demands on my time and emotions (mom & sis) . well, h also in the sense that i am forced to KNOW what he's doing & when.
i mean a FIX. there just is no way i can 'CHANGE" h or his brain. (OR sis or mom for that matter). i feel like how the heck can i have been happy for allll my life and thinking it all and everyone was "just fine" and all of a sudden at this stinking point in my life- be in such a big soup of dissention?????? oh well huh? SO LIKE, HOW MANY MILLION TIMES HAVE I SAID THE EXACT SAME THING.
WILL I EVER NOT BE SURPRISED AT WHAT A MESS MY LITTLE LIFE FEELS LIKE. ???? I'M SCRATCHING my owh head and asking me what th4 heck i can be thinking to even register (still) some amazement.
HONESTLY THO- I CAN SEE THAT MY LIFE is still alot better than a whole lot of people- i am grateful to be well and sane & alive & still "afloat" here- so i'll go with that.
it was really interesting to meet the real people- it makes it too real almost. been thinking and thinking about linda and how her homecoming went and you & ur....
after nite at mom's it was incredibly depressing next day- idk why- even took a stinking tranquilizer because could see day spiraling downward if i didn't do something to quell the anxiety- mini attack- what the heck was that????? just ambushed me.
i know i'm only human being- like everyone else. i don't like how my emotions jack me around.
you'll roll your eyes when i say h will be "out of town" this weekend- why in the world he felt compelled to tell me up front instead of just disappearing as usual - idk.
i may not HATE him- but i'd like to, i think. i would like to feel something sooooo giant it overrides my plodding prudence here (maybe i'm dbing - but it feels alot like doormatting) - my inner self thinking it would be a huge mistake and "waste" for us to stop being a part of each other's lives. i still think it- believe it- BUT WHAT IF IT'S MERELY habit and i'm wrong? now i question (alot) my choices & the info i get frommy gut- always always always could bank on it- not so sure now.
idk dawn- i sure hopei'm not saying this in five years-
i'd sure hope life holds some stuff waaaay more fulfilling and 3exciting than THIS (ONLY).
okay- dreary old sad A$$ me - need to get dressed & quit wearing black. xxoo glad you feel better in general about "it all"
forgot to say- it occurs to me - what you're saying -
it's that same old thing of when they're there in your face - 0r gone (or you're gone) . it just gives a different perspective- it's pitiful (or a good thing - idk) that then you can be more objective kind of- or tend to acknowledge the good stuff as well as the bad.
BUT - it's such a stinking "snaggle" too- i mean- it modifies the big ole insane urge to act- and then you fiddle and diddle (like me) and dangle til you're half dead (maybe.)
i'm here because my life still feels too much a shambles to walk out and "go it alone". fear? convenience? revenge? who the heck can call it. "waffle" central - me.
too giant a jumble in head these-a-days with all this mom-animosity, etc. to even know what i want to do or think.
am disgusted with self for still being in his life- still knowing him - today.
how he can "go about his life (other life) " tra la - with no apparent problem. indifferent to me it seems.
he's a selfish and sick guy- BUT MAYBE that is who he is- not something crazy or get-0ver-able (or db-worthy?) . as usual- he does stuff db describes exactly and i'm sure he really is nuts - but then, ....
on the other hand- he sure doesn't look or sound nuts most of the time- just like a stinking selfish guy "havin "it all".
i'm stil havin trouble figuring out what the heck i want to or need to do to get a better social life while having my ancient mother nailed to my back here. idk- it's a stumper.
school okay tho today- good to have worked - wish they'd call for tomorrow too- keep me out of the house and not thinking (at all) about my life.
what a terrible thing huh? to be avoiding thinking about your life in general. well, maybe it's a waaaay better thing than sitting around thinking about it- i take it back- it's a ghood thing i guess in this sitch rather than obsessing aobut it all the time.
eeeee3k- wacky-girl today. better go clip more rose of sharon- kill those stinking seed pods before they can open- hack hack, wack wack
grrrrr.
xxoo (what? displaced frustration & anger? who me???)
[quote=nero] i'm here because my life still feels too much a shambles to walk out and "go it alone". fear? convenience? revenge? who the heck can call it. "waffle" central - me.
Nero, You are so hard on yourself, my friend. You get to where you need to be when you get there. If you are not ready to do something different and it is not hurting your soul, it's ok.
I so get feeling like you have a lot on your plate. And you are trying to sort out substancial relationships in your life. Maybe you might want to think about sorting out one at a time. Just a thought.
As far as your h, I know it seems like he is going on with his life, but, trust me, you wouldnt want to be up in that head. As far as this being who he really is, you know the truth of that. You dont spend years and years with someone and not know that they are crazy. And no, they dont look and sound crazy sometimes. But they are.....People dont all do this stuff if they arent. They just dont.
If you are having trouble figuring out what you want, dont worry - you will in time. In the meantime, I am just 30 minutes away, if you ever want to meet for a bite to eat or a movie. I am easy and flexible. Just sayin......
If what you need to get through is keeping busy, then that's what you need. When you want more, you will get more. When the pain of not moving forward outweighs the need to not deal, you will seek more.
Nero, you just do the best you can. That's all you really can do.
thanks - i was thinking you're closeby too. it was fun to meet you- i'm world's worst at makng plans. no kidding. i'm currently blaming it on the stars, btw.... for want of a better reason. that old neeed total freedom(?) alllllllll the time- tho not necessarily anhthing in particular to do with it. it's a pain in the neck, this business of making a plan and then dreading it. i always have a good time- but in advance i never like the commitment.
YA EVER WONDER HOW i cut this h soooooo much slack on the getting married thing????? i WAS married and felt trapped like a rat - two years. why? idk - kept thinking "is this allll there is) ex h had some biggish issues,
this one was just "my size" - hence my believe we're MEANT to be together. this mlc or his insanity- or whateve rit is- is driving me up the wall. if i had complete FAITH in him- still being in there- (like it this was a disease and he'd be cured for sure ) i'd be doing better.
in life- what i have is the endurance thing. i can endure pain - it's just something i know about self.
endure limbo- not so hot at that. tho, mind you, KNOWING ALL MY life with this man that there was no guarantee - no marriage- but then knowing also i WAS MARRIED and that was no guarantee either- LIFE JUST HOLDS NO GUARANTEES. that kind of pisses me off- i mean, you'd think there SHOULD BE something that is absolutely true & that we can bank on!!!
oh well huh??? i do get what you say- i think in general i'm still doing okay-
i still have hair - rite????? i know about the sorting of a mess of r simultaneously- but none of them seem to just go completely away. they're in my face- calling me up- expecting and needing this or that- and seem to keep continuing. i can't honestly wish for anyone to die- that would be the only way "out" i can see.
this family duty junk is a bunch of bs- them all i want to divorce- BUT- THAT business of the shared life for 62 years is a bummer. i'm a stinkin loyal dog. is it a good thing- i'm not so sure any more. but it is, in fact, something inside me- something.
oh well- i should find something to wear today and eat my stinking oatmeal.
just keepin healthy & (hopefully) the cholesterol down - it was never actually "high" just getting to top edge of "normal" - so think it's worth note. wish i could really muscle up- without having to put in all that work-
oh well- have a wonderful day- glad you're out there.
i was sayin in my own thread today- wake up to the alarm clock - never used it in my life. it's on h side of bed- my neice set it for me - and it's a christian radio station. telling me all kind os little lectures and people with their "stories" - the usual spiel - was about h & w yesterday- i swear i got wondering wtf about this particular lecture at that particular moment in time. (abandon hope all ye that enter here) kind of morning-
about men are selfish and women want control - making it work- speaking up and being honest but being loyal and doing it with love -
ya gotta wonder..... i've never "spoken up" about my own wants much - or ever. not my nature to "demand" a damn thing. perhaps i need to work on somehow being more honest and straightforw4d (and demanding???) in a small way since we're immersed in this stinking mlc debacle. h is also alot like me in that respect. we avoid conflict til we almost die.
BUT - i take it on the chin- and i don't lie & cheat. he takes it on the chin- then goes bonkers. yeah-
food for thought i guess- OKAY- NEED TO GET DRESSED AND get busy- as usual.
i sure hope i make it out the other side of this journy I'M ON wth some sanity, grace and goodhumour.........
Nero it was lovely meeting you! You have a great house, thanks so much for your hospitality. It was great sitting around, crying and laughing and cursing! Sorry about that!
Nero "YA EVER WONDER HOW i cut this h soooooo much slack on the getting married thing????? i WAS married and felt trapped like a rat - two years. why? idk - kept thinking "is this allll there is) ex h had some biggish issues,
this one was just "my size" - hence my believe we're MEANT to be together. this mlc or his insanity- or whateve rit is- is driving me up the wall. if i had complete FAITH in him- still being in there- (like it this was a disease and he'd be cured for sure ) i'd be doing better."
Nero, a piece of paper does not make two people married. Living a life of devotion and love for 38 years makes two people married. Of course you had complete faith in him, that is what married people are supposed to do. I am afraid of becoming cynical, I already find myself not trusting strangers. Looking for the bad instead of the good like I used to. Then have to scold myself a bit and admonish myself that I will not let my H's MLC change me, except for the better. Except for the changes I can see that are needed. Not all the crap he told me - too short, too fat, he did not like the way I clean the house, I was around the house too much. He had nothing of substance to complain about, so he started making things up, and such heart breaking things - he had to beg me to ML and then I turned him down 75% of the time, because I have been cheating on him for the past 38 years. Whew!
Maybe it IS time for you to be more honest and straight forward with your H the next time he flies up to spend time with you. But first you have to know what it is that you want. Do you want to live a married life with him again? Would you be willing to move back to the dreaded Florida to make that happen?
It's all so hard, isn't it?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Ok, so, I sent you a card with my cell phone number on it. You can choose to do whatever you want with it. Just wanted you to know that if you ever feel like hangin, I am in. You could call me at the last minute. If I am around, great, if not, ok, too. Your call, my friend.
I so understand your endurance thing. I have it, too. Just who we are, I guess.
Oh and yea, limbo suckks. Big time. But you are right, there are no guarantees in life. Would be nice if there were, but, oh well, there's not.
I totally understand about your family. I am as loyal as they come. I was, and still am sometimes, their go to guy. The one they call up and expect to drop everything. And usually, if I can, I do. But I have learned to say no from time to time. And there isnt nothing wrong with that. And they have adjusted - begrudgingly at first, but, they kinda got there.
ya gotta wonder..... i've never "spoken up" about my own wants much - or ever. not my nature to "demand" a damn thing. perhaps i need to work on somehow being more honest and straightforw4d (and demanding???) in a small way since we're immersed in this stinking mlc debacle. h is also alot like me in that respect. we avoid conflict til we almost die.
I never spoke up either. And that is no way to have a relationship, with anyone. It doesnt have to be a demand, though. It could just be an honest feeling being shared respectfully, right? Something you might work on, I think.
Just wanted you to know that if you ever feel like hangin, I am in. You could call me at the last minute. If I am around, great, if not, ok, too. Your call, my friend.