I'm back for a while

[ClingingToHope]

Actually, I've seen Shallow Hal. I love the movie. Jack Black is great. Nacho Libre is under appreciated.

Today is the day after bombshell No. 2.

And the climb begins again. I went back and reread some of my situation back in 2012 before I went dark on here for a while. Can you guess that I couldn't sleep.

It all goes back to my basic fear. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid I'm unlovable. I'm afraid the kids who picked on me when I was younger and would come to school with uncombed hair in the same jacket for weeks at a time because I wasn't into style yet were right.

That old saying 'sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you' is crap. Bones heal. Names, and how they make you feel, linger forever.

It's not about XW. XW is just the last manifestation. When I started going out with her there was this rush because I thought she was out of my league.

I had that feeling with my first girlfriend, my girlfriend in college and the lady I dated before XW. In all cases, I fell hard and when they walked away I felt like the nerdy teenager again. And that feeling didn't totally go away until I got the rush once again.

Remember Church_31. Well she's Church_34 now and I don't see her anymore. I came to this realization last summer, if Church_34 was in my life then I wouldn't care about XW.

Part of it also is my competitiveness. I used to say the best revenge is a life well lived. And this year has gone really well. Things are at their best point in five years.

* Excellent house. Finally a home. A place to spread out and be proud to have friends and family over.

* Great neighborhood.

* Great neighbors.

* Job somewhat stable. Side jobs going well.

* A plan formulated if the newspaper continues to crumble.

* I still play basketball, softball, ride my bike, swim. I don't feel 44.

* Family coming for Thanksgiving. Savings plans in place so Christmas and summer will be taken care of.

* College savings for girls in a good place.

A lot of things I told myself in 2009 would happen if I just kept plugging away have happened. I know it's just a matter of continuing to plug away.

This is just a scab that was ripped back open and I'm going to bleed for a while. The bleeding will stop. I reread the post on the day I got divorced. I realized then that nothing in this has been as bad as imagined it would be.

Even this. I won't have to fight over custody. I get to stay where I'm at. In three years, if she doesn't come to me before, D11 will have a chance to pick me or XW. And even if she picks XW I should have the wherewithal to move closer to wherever she goes. Until D11 is safely off to college I will make sure I'm as close to an every day presence as possible.

Already my brain is readjusting itself. One post I read I've always remembered and I have to remember it especially right now. The Left Behind Spouse always imagines the Walk Away Spouse's life is way better than it actually is and imagines his or her own life is far worse.

A couple of weeks ago I ran into a friend who asked how things were going and I said, "Really, really good. I can't really complain."

Then I found out I wasn't going to work the marathon in October because they are full up. I was counting on that $350. So I'm really light on money now until December.

Then the newspaper cut pages, making us wonder if layoffs are coming.

Then pregnancy bombshell. Then marriage bombshell.

Even if I was the strongest person on this site, those two were going to hurt. It's like the scene in "When Harry Met Sally" where Meg Ryan breaks down because her ex boyfriend is getting married.

"I was supposed to get married first," she said.

The thing with the college professor is difficult because I told myself back in 2009 that I wasn't going to settle. I wouldn't get married until I had that feeling again.

That feeling stirred with Church_34 and it was intoxicating.

For whatever reason, I don't have that feeling with the professor. I don't think it has anything to do with XW, unless it's XW, First GF, College GF, all rolled into one. The ghosts of past rejections.

So I'm torn. This relationship is very comfortable. It fits my needs and apparently it fits her needs as well. I'm spending Saturday with her this week and Friday and Saturday with her next week. We're going to watch the entire final season of Breaking Bad. I got her hooked on it.

But I know deep down that if she ever wants to take it to another level I won't want to go to that level.

And I really, really, really want to get my act together to write a book. I have the outlines of how it would work and I have the pain, sadness, anger and hope that fights it out every day inside of me ready to pour out.

Had girls this morning and easily got them off to school. Another thing adding to the melancholy this week actually is D14. She is doing wonderful so far in her freshman year. 4.1 GPA. Last weekend we put together a list of 20 colleges she'd like to go to and then looked up the necessary GPA and ACT scores she'll need.

Plus, three weeks into school she started liking a boy and FINALLY it went in her favor. He asked her to homecoming and it's this weekend and it's her mom's weekend so all I'll get is a few minutes Saturday night to take pictures of her and the -- boyfriend -- it's not official.

So I was already a little wistful when the bombs started dropping this week. These are the moments I feel like are being stolen.

But I can't help that. In two weeks, I arranged for her to sing the national anthem at the high school football game. And that'll be my memory.

Last night didn't start well because I wanted to get the baby discussion out of the way and D14 didn't really want to. Once that was done I helped D14 finish her homework until the math tutor came over.

She's definitely a teenager and we have our difficult moments, but my relationship is solid with her. She knows that I've always chosen family first.