Yes, I think if you can "re-frame" W as a sister, or how about best friend who is having issues, and really try to "act as if" she is just exactly that. If your best friend was going on a long trip, and you couldn't go, how would you act towards him/her? Or your sister?
That's basically what I did, "re-framed" the R in the theater of the mind to the above. It helped me a lot, wasn't perfect, lol, but it did help. I complimented her appearance "as if" my sister, or a friend I had no romantic interest in, for example.
Because of the kids, you really can't go completely dark, the vets call what you need to do, "dim"...rH coined the "aloof, but available" meme which I use, since W has been an in-house mlc'er. It's a dance, constantly adjusting the "dimmer switch" by following her lead. Brighter when appropriate, like when you are seeing "good things", or her mood is bright...and dim down when she is off in mlc mind warp, or you need some space from her. Dim is for YOU primarily, but I think it shows the mlc'er that you are "hearing" them and giving them the space that they asked for, and that YOU are okay without them...but it gives you the flexibility to "shine" brightly when appropriate and show off your new self.
As far as being manipulative with the kids R with W, really look at yourself, your thoughts, what you say regarding the sitch. Be ruthlessly honest with yourself, because your kids deserve that from you. If you can't see when/where you are, or might be, then work with an IC to get an outside perspective...this event is a huge life lesson and "modelling/molding" opportunity for your kids...make the best of it...what do you want them to take away from this? These are things I have asked myself repeatedly the past 2 years, and to a lesser extent, 4 years...
I want to double up on what CP said, get at least you and your kids in some family counseling, invite W to be part of it too, but this is where you lead, regardless whether W joins C or not, you do it for you and the kids. This may also help get that outside perspective...and to help check your premises...
Hang in there!!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
