1. Your dating, or at least hanging out a bit with each other. a/ if you know crappy wife shows up on weekdays, but not weekends, can you hold out for a weekend only slot?
Good point. I have been thinking it may be time to make myself a little less available. I can be more selective about the time we spend together.
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2. You think or you know theres is OM in the picture that she is texting??
I know - I just don't know the status. EA/PA/Friends... She made it clear at first that he was the provider of all happiness and she was done with me, but along the way things changed - to save a lot of searching old posts, when she came right down to filing, her attitude towards me changed pretty quickly. She likes doing stuff with me, my companionship, etc. She also turns to me to help with problems - not just $, but surely that, too. She did indicate that this could be a long haul, and she never indicated any intent to stop communicating with OM (I was calling him The Contractor, but I thing I like Handyman better. He's not really a pro contractor and if he was, he'd lost the right to be called a pro... ).
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a/ with the frustrations she has with you, especially when your driving. Do you think that helps push her TO the OM?
Not much I can do about that except keep trying to be careful, and keep my temper in check (which is goal #1 for me anyway - for me!). It's pretty rural where we live, so we have to do a lot of driving, and she's always nervous in a car. I'm sure if OM drives her anywhere, unless he's the worlds best driver, he's getting it as bad as me.
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b/ how much NC have you had with her, so she can see the affair isn't all that its cracked up to be?
I went pretty dim with her for a while, and that's where things started to change. I think it got too overwhelming for her with OM. She told me "she really needed me as a friend right now." That was when she stopped blaming me for stuff, started thanking me for things, etc. I still mostly leave initiating contact to her, and let her ask me to go out to dinner, movies, or to come over here to watch TV (and do laundry of course).
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c/ what is she doing to work on herself/issues? IC?? 3. Looking at your join date, im assuming you've been dealing with this or at least off/on with this for a while?
This is our 2nd time with BD, OM, filing and then un-filing. We fell back into old habits. I didn't keep up with DBing. She never committed to any changes for herself and outright refused any counseling and to even talk about what happened - although a couple years later after a big fight where I was going to pack a bag and leave, she hugged me and apologized for what happened with OM #1. When OM #2 came along, she echoed the same things she told me about OM #1, but said in retrospect that it was different - OM #1 had always been an idiot, it was just about the PA, and she exaggerated it so I would think she was a total loser (her words). But OM #2 was the kindest person ever how doesn't even know how to get angry... I should point out that she had a pretty rotten upbringing and it has affected her relationship skills. She has admitted to being selfish and not understanding how to be less selfish. But, she's not committed to any real changes and doesn't believe in "talking to strangers about her problems (or to me, apparently).
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a/ are things getting any better, other than the changes YOUVE made?
Things have gotten better. She treats me better. She seems to appreciate what I do for her. To be fair, she's been a lot better about complaining about my driving. She used to be really bad!
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Sounds like you've done a lot of standing, good for you. Do you feel at all like a doormat? You mentioned Plan B, do you feel like it? Is she MLC? I could go back and read some and get some answers, but looking in the past is like looking back at a different person compared to how you are now right? How have things progressed in your eyes?
About OM, I covered that a bit above, but I think she's genuinely attracted to both of us for different reasons and doesn't know what to do about it yet. So, whether I like being Plan B or not, I can't avoid being one of a set. Yuck.
I was doing really good about not even wasting my time thinking about him, until I had that week moment and looked to see that they still text every single day, many times, morning, noon, and evening.
There's only a tiny bit of MLC behavior. She seemed to be trying to change a lot of things, but quickly fell back into being herself more again. She mentioned wanting to be independent, but still relies on my way too much. I can tend toward being the doormat, but lately she's expressed thanks and appreciation for what I give her, and what I do for her. Early on she acted like she just deserved it.
So, lots of progress. Very slow, and going at the pace she sets. My biggest setback was just that moment of weakness with the text snooping. I've been doing a fairly good job of GAL and PMA - right NQ and TTD?! Not to mention avoiding the advances of those sultry temptresses in town. LOL.
