called to work to day - so good for that or i'd just be kicking around. hard to get out of bed this morning-knew i'd have to be there at 8:30 rather than 7:00 ta da.
hit the snooze three times- FIRST TIME ever in life i did that. woo hoo huh? IS THIS GAL????
KIDDING- was thinking of implications of getting up at 5 a.. m in winter- eeeeek. and i wonder why the hell i keep hanging in there- there's THAT for one. the ability to say no if i felt like it. ( i haven't so far- but who knows)
GOD - TI'S THAT DOPEY aquarian thing- the neeeeed to have "freedom" even tho i have nothing in particular to do with it.
as far as H - i sure wish i had your certainty... no kidding. i do believe my h may just remain whateverthehell he is til the day he dies. i don't know if i am going to be this jerk in the box in nj (hey- new toy - "jerk in the box" for rest of my life. i'm workin on the whole gal- i do in fact keep pretty busy and have some good friends & of course, working.
honestly it doesn't feel like "enough" to me. perhaps i'm spoiled from being the other half of a pair for my entire adult life- it sounds greedy to just want that to continue. it does happen to be more "fulfilling" feeling. i know EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE SAYS FIND HAPPINESS WITHIN. YEAH- i get it. BUT - there's also the living conditions of your life to be dealt with. it's more like that.
i could get used to an outhouse if i had no options- would i prefer it? i don't think so. i'd miss that darn bathroom for the rest of my life. I ALSO HATE COLD SHOWERS OR TEPID BATHS. COULD I exist with them, yeah. would i EVER EMBRACE IT- i DON'T THINK SO. it's like that for me i believe.
in life- i just miss having someone there in my home with me. i know in a sense it's my own fault because of the nj house being my big idea. at the time it seemed like a good one. allllllllll everything aside- i'd rather have a companion in life AND INDOOR PLUMBING toboot.
ya know what i mean???
i'm going about my life- i'm functioning - am i having FUN - I DON'T THINK SO. do i wake up and look forward to the day- well, i don't dread it like i used to. tht's got to be worth something.
will it EVER GO AWAY????? feeling like this- dull & just a bit not so happy in the background of my life all the time- idk. what the heck will happen- who knows.??
OY YEAH- here's wht i actually came to say- dumb as it all sounds (even to me) when ifound out about H - is wear it was the "hand of God" - turned on computer something blipped into my face- BY ITSELF - NO KIDDING..... th4e phone message i heard when i was there unplanned, etc.- same deal.
SO - THIS DARN ALARM ON RADIO_ IT'S ON h's side- he's not religious in any way shape or form. anyway- it turns on and whattyathink????? it's this christian radio station- i wake up other day to guy talking about r's and men & women's roles & outlooks, etc. i swear- i got listening laying in bed and this morning- hearing it again- same sort of stuff- life's trials, etc.- i'm TRULY WONDERING- another "message" from the great beyond?????
it's just pretty coincidental that i'm losing my faith in this man here- losin my faitn in general here- and ta da- in my head by accident i guess- i've never heart that radio on in my life- i just went to turn off alarm & pushed it accidentally to the radio on button.
i'm just sayin..... and ya wonder how the heck i go thru life waiting for something to "bonk me on the head" and show me the way. it's true. for 62 years things have just unfolded and "lead me" this way or that. if my ex h didn't drag my butt to FL because he was tired of working outside in winter (carpenter) in nj- i'd never have met this man. karma???
and so on- somehow things just seemed to fall in place. saying this kind of thing out loud - i know i must sound like a wacko- but i'm finding i still have one tiny kernel of faith inside that somehow whatever happens will be the right things and they will somehow become apparent and i will somehow do whatever it is that is "correct" and so on.
i can't even believe i lived my life like this. i've had a great life- i suppose last few years aside , if i croaked today i wouldn't have any giant regrets or feel i've missed a heck of alot. (tho it would stress out my neices who i'm petty darn sure love me- so wouldn't relaly WANT to.)
the more and more he's away from me- the more i feel my heart drifting away from him. don't know what i feel- don't almost (mostly) care anymore what he feels. last nite- knew he was with ow- didn't feel like my HEART was being cut out of my body- did homework with my neice til 9 - late for me- took a stinking sleeping pill. slept okay- no mind spinning around being "pissed". maybe i've gone over some giant HUMP and am coming down the other side.
of course- whatever that darn hump is, idk.
i think i've almost given up on the trying to sleeep thing- have taken a little over-the-counter sleeping pill last two nites- just need to sleep to function all day.
won't tonite-
SO HEY & I'M GLAD YOU'RE in yoru little holding pattern and sounding okay. i never expect anything GOOD anymore. if he's nice- i merely think he's going off the cheat like mad and it's making him happy to think about it. honestly- how pitiful sounding is that???? enjoy it all lllllll buddy. i honestly wonder if his brain can extend far enough to imagine his life without me in it? i don't think so- and i don't think he ever ever really thinks i'll be GONE someday.
oh well- neither did my ex h. EVERYONE arund here is always saying to me - "you'd never _______" , you'd never ____ boy, what goobers. like any of them truly khnow how i will act or react. i'm soooooooooooooo accomodating in life - to a point- and when it's crossed, there's no return for me.
don't get THERE OFTEN, but know inside about that ole line thing.
OH WELL- SORRY FOR RANT - NO EXTRA CHARGE. HOPe your eyes get calmed down and on the mend. you pooor kid. at least we're alive and healthy (mostly) and sane today-
we got that going for us. glad for the "horror" stories - what the heck HE IS DOING with rt I cannot fathom. h and ow either- this business of SAVING SOMEONE - WTF??? I'VE been criticized now or then with the ole THreat of not being "needy". wtf - how un needy can a girl be - me. no kidding.
soooooo- he admires my strength of character and throws me under the bus in favor of needy old cow ??????
yeah- makes sense to me- oh well - mlc (really?) one wonders.
off to see the wizard - kindergarten today- so should be entertaining i'd guess. bettter than those varmits at middle school anyway-
