Need advice and friends

[RSmiles]

Hi everyone!

I'm not new here, however I haven't been on the boards for several years. I remembered that DB was such a wonderful place, so I feel good to be coming back and hope to make new friends.

My story in a nutshell:
I came here during a separation in my first M, and ended up reconciling after DB. I worked so hard! However, ultimately my exH did not want a relationship or to "be tied down" and I went through a D in 2007. I see now it was to my benefit, because he lost his love for me and I deserve better than that.

Fast-forward a couple years and I moved 2,000 miles across the country to start a new life. I love my new city, and I have family here too. I met a new man, we dated 3 yrs and then we eloped 6 months ago.

Things were going fairly well at first, but now we have communication troubles and lots of criticism, blame and misunderstandings keep ensuing. I feel scared that it is getting like this so soon in our relationship. I feel stuck about what to do. His words and actions make me feel unsupported and unloved. Our communication level is low and somewhat superficial. For example, he falls asleep when I am talking. He's not very interested in the things I am doing anymore. He turns a deaf ear when I am talking half the time and doesn't respond. He often forgets to tell me things until the last second or after the fact. He yells at me that he thinks there is no problem, why do I have any problems? Actually, he thinks I'm the one who has all the problems. Neither of us is talking about a D, but I want to prevent a downspiral and that's why I'm here. To remember DB and take some of those steps again.

Basically, I have tried many times to talk to him and connect but he gets angry and shuts down. On my worst days, I fear I chose the wrong person so that I would not be lonely forever. But then I wonder maybe that there is no such "right" person that really understands my feelings or that maybe I should just expect to solve my martial problems by talking to girlfriends? Is it so wrong of me to want emotional intimacy and real conversations? My H gets angry if I talk about my feelings and ignores me.

I need to re-read the book

[adinva]

Hi, sorry you're experiencing this, but it's good you're on top of it early on. Was he not bad at connecting with you during the three years dating? Only now, after marrying you?

With any bad pattern it takes both of you to continue it and only one of you to change it. If you havent read Dance of Anger and other Harriet Lerner books that might be helpful to you.

Are you looking for any bad habits you might need to 180? Are you GAL?

[AnotherStander]

but now we have communication troubles

That's not really surprising, men and women communicate in completely different ways and we get really frustrated because the other doesn't seem to understand OUR way of communicating! I would suggest you read The 5 Love Languages, it'll help a lot. Also check into Retrouvaille, if you can get your H to go I promise it will transform your communication skills. I think you're in a good spot right now because you're being proactive instead of reactive. You're in a position to change things before they get worse.

Basically, I have tried many times to talk to him and connect but he gets angry and shuts down.

Then quit doing what you're doing. Remember cheeseless tunnels from DR? MWD also talks about in DR how this woman kept trying to communicate to her H and he would shut down. She tried different methods, even went to a communication workshop. But her approach didn't work, he kept shutting down. Finally she gave up saying she had "tried everything". But to her H, it was ALL nagging. That was his perception. She hadn't "tried everything" at all, she kept doing the same thing, just putting different names on it! I think you're doing the same (trying the same approach over and over), and it's clearly not working. So stop, and do something REALLY different (5LL will help you there).

I need to re-read the book

Yup, that too

[Breakdown]

welcome back, and while I'm sorry you are here, I commend you for trying to get out in front of it!

I had the same question as advina....how did you two interact prior? What has changed?

I agree with AS's recommendation on 5LL...great book. On retrouvaille, I also agree it's a great program, but you'll only get out of it what each of you puts into it. If your H doesn't think he can grow as a person, or doesn't see the need to work on the M, I think it'll be difficult to really get a great bang for the buck.

[RSmiles]

Thanks for the replies, and nice to meet you.

I had read Love Languages several yrs ago during my first M, thanks for reminding me about that one. It is a really good book. I am definitely words of affirmation and quality time and I think my H is acts of service.

We had been having some communication issues before M. Also, I think when I first met him, I was still feeling some pain from the D and I wasn't as emotionally talkative. I think he did listen more when we first met, but now that we're past the "romance" stage he tunes out. Unfortunately it's gotten to the point where he doesn't hear or communicate important things either such as that he invited a friend over or that he's working late. He has trouble remembering things I tell him like when my doctor appointment is or what project I'm working on at work. Basically, it's like he's not paying attention.

I started re-reading some of the main concepts from DB last night. Yes- I am doing cheeseless tunnels by trying to talk about my feelings (whether it is work or our R or other topics) At best, H is visibly uncomfortable and at worst he gets very angry. And I have to stop acting disappointed, I know that's not helping.

In a recent fight, H told me he didn't feel appreciated for the things he does and at first I said I didn't feel loved or appreciated either. Later I tried a 180 and apologized. I told him thank you for getting the car tires(act of service). He seemed slightly responsive and said "thank you" and "I'm sorry for our fight". While it wasn't exactly the ideal conversation, at least I think I see the beginnings of the new road I must take. I'm not sure where this leaves my need to talk (friends? boards? journal?) I think about a lot and care about a lot. My H is somewhat opposite.

[AnotherStander]

I had read Love Languages several yrs ago during my first M, thanks for reminding me about that one. It is a really good book. I am definitely words of affirmation and quality time and I think my H is acts of service.

Good, but read it again. It's the kind of book that should be read continuously (says the person who hasn't read it in months), because there's so much useful content that can be applied to an R.

I think he did listen more when we first met, but now that we're past the "romance" stage he tunes out.

Quit making it sound like it's all his fault!! WHY is he tuning out? YOU can do something better. YOU can communicate more effectively, in ways that he WANTS. You can't change him directly, but you CAN change him by changing yourself. Now, what can YOU change about yourself? That's what you need to explore, and that's where DR and 5LL can guide you.

He has trouble remembering things I tell him like when my doctor appointment is or what project I'm working on at work. Basically, it's like he's not paying attention.

You're blaming him again. What can YOU change about this? Maybe get a calendar for the fridge, or if he has a smartphone ask him if he'll allow you to put dates in his calendar with reminders.

In a recent fight, H told me he didn't feel appreciated for the things he does and at first I said I didn't feel loved or appreciated either.

See what happened there? He actually opened up to you about how he feels! You should have been jumping for joy! Instead you said "yeah, but what about MY feelings?????" Your response should have been validation- "I'm so sorry you feel that way, it sounds like you feel disappointed, is that how you feel?" This would encourage him to open up about his feelings, with you asking questions to encourage him to continue. Then you could complete it with "I'm sorry my actions have made you feel disappointed, I don't want you to feel that way and I'm committed to doing better in the future." Then follow through with actions to match the promise, make him feel appreciated!

I told him thank you for getting the car tires(act of service).

Read 5LL again, it'll help you do better on this. A simple "thank you" is a nice gesture, but you're not filling his LL with that. Think more along the lines of "have I ever told you what a great H you are? Taking time out of your day to get new tires for me, that is such a wonderful gesture and it really makes me feel loved!" Do you see the difference?

[AnotherStander]

In a recent fight, H told me he didn't feel appreciated for the things he does and at first I said I didn't feel loved or appreciated either.

Just to expand on this a little more, in 5LL it talks about how many couples have completely depleted "love tanks", but instead of one taking the initiative to fill the other's, they both sit around waiting and waiting and waiting for their spouse to fill theirs. So there they both sit, waiting, with nothing happening, until one of them finally says "enough" and BD's the other. The whole premise of 5LL is to quit waiting, take the initiative and fill your spouse's love tank. Set aside your pride and ego and be the one to take charge. When you fill your spouse's love tank, you will be surprised to find that they in turn will WANT to fill yours. Read the book again, stop the "nagging" (I know you don't think you are, but that's the way it looks to him) and start filling his love tank through ACTIONS rather than trying to tell him to fill yours. You can do this

[RSmiles]

Ok, thank you Another Stander. Yes, I definitely came back to the boards b/c I feel like I have fallen off track with my knowledge of DB and relationship tools. I am thankful there is a good chance for me to turn things around.

I have a lot to think about and I would like to set some initial parameters for myself. Feel free to give me feedback here.

-Love Languages
My H is acts of service. I'm not sure if he's words of affirmation- he does like to be appreciated but he doesn't want too many words. I am a little stuck on exactly what I should be adding here.

I feel there are some actions that I often take that please him, but apparently I'm not hitting all of them. For example he loves home-cooked meals and I usually make a nice dinner. I help him with some office tasks for his business (It's possible he may want more here). How else do I figure out what he wants when he is not talking to me or avoiding me?

-180s
Talking less.
Appreciating more.
Eliminating blame
Acting very happy as much as possible. (I think H picks up on my "dissapointment" too much)

GAL
Focusing on my own projects rather than talking to H. I have lots of art and crafts projects I love doing.

[RSmiles]

I have another layer to my situation- the communication problem extends to important issues such as our finances to the point where we can't seem to talk about it constructively at all.

I am frustrated that we are having difficulty having open, clear, (and I wish friendly) conversations about anything important. We can talk about TV shows and silly things, but nothing serious or meaningful. I think our communication styles are different, but there is also the lack of direct understanding. And I can admit this comes from both of us. I feel like I am straining to understand H's comments. H often gets angry and says he doesn't understand me either. Then, we can't figure out what's going on or what to do and he wants to end the conversation.

Would less talking solve this? Can I use DB to approach this or should I be looking at something different?

[Accuray]

This is a semi common thing to happen. Often while dating women will give men a lot of recreational companionship (i.e. Doing things together) and men will engage in conversation with women because they are very engaged.

After marriage women tend to pull back on the recreational companionship, and men tend to pull back on communication.

One thing to try would be to *do* activities with your H that he enjoys -- golfing, tennis, going to sporting events, whatever it is. Often men don't like sitting around talking but if they are doing something they will also talk.

For example, you will probably have more luck discussing finances if you're out for a walk versus sitting at the kitchen table.

Experiment with no heavy conversation unless there is an activity involved and see where that takes you. Even doing a puzzle together may be enough