on the edge...

[sandi2]

Its probably the same old 'he treats me like you did when we were dating' scenario.

I believe she handed you an important key to see into her emotional needs. I think most women want to maintain that level of romantic and emotional intimacy she and her guy experienced before they M. Some men may find that thinking as very unpractical (especially the romantic part), but you know that's what we females like....b/c you knew what to do to get us. Even when life gets in the way, emotionally...we still wish it were the same as before M.

I have learned so much about how differently men and women think, feel, act, and respond to almost everything. Men will find the woman he desires to have a relationship with...and he will began to pursue her by doing things to inspire romantic feelings in her. She is the object of his entire focus. Then, once they get M, he will drop the romantic endeavors (b/c he sees it as no longer "necessary" since he won the girl of his dreams) and he becomes completely focused on providing the practical needs (such as food, shelter, etc., that life requires). To him, a man who gives his family enough of these practical things is being a good H. That's his job as a H. However, the woman feels differently about it. Yes, of course she expects him to hold down a job and provide for his family....but being the "emotional" creature that she is, she is looking to him to continue with the romantic side that captured her heart. After she sees he has stopped...and romance has been adjusted to just having sex, she begins to hint to him that she has certain needs that he isn't meeting. She hints b/c she's embarrassed or thinks it sounds bad to just come out and say plainly what she wants. Some women don't know how to communicate what they need or they try and it comes across as complaining and/or criticizing. His way to deal with it is not to take it seriously or else he tunes her out. So, years of unfulfilled emotional needs can lead to her being very vulnerable for the attention of another man.

Now I realize that men have emotional needs too. And if the couple doesn't have the skills to relate what they need from each other, then the MR will suffer as a result. That doesn't mean every M will have an A, it just means there will be a R breakdown whenever unmet needs continue. Many couples have lived in silent pain for years & years.

So I encourage you to do some research about the differences in men & women's needs. You may be surprised how helpful that will be. For an example, most women feel the need to talk about their problems to their H. It is like therapy for some. Talking helps her deal with it. But she isn't asking him to "fix" what's bothering her at work (or wherever/whatever the problem), she wants him to look her in the eyes and really listen to her talk about it. Most men think he is suppose to tell her what to do to fix it. So that usually leads to more frustration.

People enter into a M with certain expectations, and when those expectations are not met then they have to figure out what to do. Unfortunately, we can make some really bad decisions.

Has your W gone 24 hrs without contacting OM? Perhaps that would be very difficult with them working in the same office, but if she will not be alone with him at work and not contact him....that's a start.

I wanted to clarify something I was saying yesterday. I meant to say that she may not put a 100% effort into working on the M in the beginning. Most WAW's have to work to get to the place of putting that much into it. To the WAW, it is taking all her strength just to end the A and get through the withdrawals. Then afterwards, depression usually follows the withdrawals.

I tell you this so you will be prepared and know that you and your W will not be on the same level nor go at the same speed during the piecing. Your emotions will take a dive several times a day if you are watching her rate of effort. That's why I hope you will focus on what you are doing. Her work and your work will appear completely different from each other.

Btw, when I was speaking about how the woman becomes the complete focus of the man's attention before M and then he "wins" her? Well, I have read a lot of posts from LBH's who admit to being focused too much on the OM and wanting to win back his W from the OM. It's like he sees it as some type of challenge or competition. But let me tell ya, that is the wrong thinking. The A is a symptom of your MR failing. Don't get your mind off on that guy and loose sight of what is really important here. It's not about winning the girl. It's about becoming the best man. Sure, you can win her again, but if you aren't a better man and can't have a better MR than before...then she could have more A's until a D. The point is that she has to believe things will be much better with you. Do you see the difference in becoming a better H and in just winning her back?