A Fresh, New Day

[Pudmuddle]

I need to process things after speaking with db coach.

I told here my whole married story, I told her how my H was ducking his head when I tried to kiss him on the cheek or quick peck on the lips and one-arm hugs with no warmth. She recommended I stop hugging and kissing him since they weren't welcome by him at all right now. I told her this felt counter-intuitive, not just in a DB way, but because the whole time during my depression I didn't hug or kiss him. Then I started to cry because I can't remember the last time we kissed, I mean really kissed. How sad is that. I told her it would be hard mentally but that I could do it because I am tired of trying to hug and kiss a statue.

I asked if there was anything I could do regarding what I think are his Love Languages, if I could appeal to him through these. His are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Acts of Service. I can remember when we used to be in good standing he was always doing things for me (AOS), even though this isn't my LL. She said there might not be much I can do for him but after I start backing off, look for him to be performing his AOS again, for me. That's a possible way to view things positively meaning he is starting to warm up again. H LOVES to do things for people so I know this means a lot to him. H also likes to be told that he has done a good job for people. He is also Physical Touch, so this would explain why at the point we are in our marriage, he is being distant with me. H used to call me when I was running late, or if I went out to see when I would be home or to see if I was ok. He has not cared to do this at all. So I have been backing off of short funny or howsurdaygoing phone calls lately.

She said to be extremely patient while trying these new small things and to start journaling daily on how he is responding and how I am doing with it. I do this anyways so it will help. Not just for me to measure him but to be able to actually see any signs of progress no matter how small. This will help with the patience level. Because we all know we want things to be fixed RIGHT NOW.

I actually did start backing off on Monday, and I have noticed a few small things. He has called me a couple times when I should be and am on my way home from work, to see when I would be home or if he had a question on logistical stuff. He also has come upstairs to our bedroom, and knocks (which is weird to knock on your own bedroom, but I think he is trying to respect me) and then talks to me about something before he leaves for work.

One night he actually came to the bedroom to talk about school stuff for our S16. It was a short convo, but then he went into the bathroom and was checking on the progress of the cabinets I'm painting. I smiled at this because he has always in the past joined in on house projects I start and then helps me finish or finishes it himself. He didn't say anything but it kind of felt like he was ITCHING to help!

This morning he came up to talk about how or S is not doing his chores. Vented to me about how to help him work on this WITH him. Interesting. He hasn't asked me to help with much lately.

So I'll be posting to my favorite journal buddies here, so you can comment as you wish.

It hurts to detach more from him, but at the same time I have not felt this happy in a LONG time. I feel like I am not being pushed down by his feelings and anger and whatever else he is going through.

Pud = Happy